


The Death of Muckle Black Tyke

by Hell_Sunset



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Bullying, Depression, Ego, Guilt, Healing, M/M, Maturing, Mental Health Issues, Not even worth calling it an attempt, Reconnecting Friendships, Strained Friendships, Suicide Attempt, but just to be safe, getting better, like not really, past bullying
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-01
Updated: 2019-03-05
Packaged: 2019-07-21 02:44:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 61,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16150883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hell_Sunset/pseuds/Hell_Sunset
Summary: Yoo Kihyun has a black dog. A harsh, vicious and violent one. One who is always barking. One that never shuts up. When he thinks his reached the end of his rope, he finds hope and comfort in the form of a former high school bully, Lee Minhyuk.





	1. The Black Dog

**Author's Note:**

> Work has been kicking my ass but I need to get this outta my system. Bless getting inspired at the worst moments, I suppose.
> 
> TWO WARNINGS! READERS BEWARE.
> 
> 1) This could be Triggering. I've never dealt with depression as a sickness before, but I've lived close with people who have and still do. This is based on that experience, what I've learnt by listening and staying by their side. I'm by no means an expert and I'm not trying claiming to be, but if you ever need a sympathetic ear, write to me. 
> 
> 2) As the fit progresses, there's going to be descriptions of bullying and not ideal high school student-to-student relationship. That being said, I by no means am implying you should forgive not forget people who have treated you in such a way. This is me writing from my experience when someone who I hated in high school, and he was quite violent in his bullying as well, actually helped me through one of my darkest moments last year, and now can claim as one of my closest friends. But I'm aware this doesn't happen to everyone, and there's people who don't deserve forgiveness. So please don't think I'm saying everyone can change and become someone decent in your eyes. I know most of them don't. 
> 
> That being said, please enjoy! Or cry. Or do both, I don't really know!
> 
> See ya!

The Death of Muckle Black Tyke 

 

Episode 1 / The Black Dog

 

There were some truths about Yoo Kihyun that people knew as gospel: he got up at six thirty O’clock every day without delay; he did his daily routine in the same order: wake up, clean up his bed, shower, teeth, skin care, clothes, breakfast, teeth again and out he was into the world; he always cooked for himself, and actually should be praised for his cooking skills; he loved photography, and actually had started using it to win money on his first year of college; and he was openly, but not a flamboyant, gay. He had, for the past eleven year or more, stuck to that routine and only gave it up when there was no way he could follow it through - his college years were such a blur mostly because following such a routine was impossible even for the soundest of minds, but when he graduated and started working, he stuck to it like glue. His coworkers knew him to be respectful, kind, a bit on the dramatic side and very professional, a role model on work ethics despite his young age. He never declined an invitation to drinks or dinner with them twice in a row. He never spoke informally and he never showed any bad habits, and on the times his temper flared up, he knew how to rein it back down and keep the interaction pleasing enough. They all knew he had to be imperfect somewhere, and Kihyun himself admitted to that begrudgingly, but a social or a work setting was no such place. 

The only problem was that “such place” was inside of his head.

Or well, nowadays it was. 

Before, it had been out in the open. His temper flared and mellowed with the same intensity a storm carried. He was strict, sarcastic and very passionate. He was himself, or tried to be, unapologetically and free. And the results had showed Kihyun that, really, he shouldn’t show people what he really thought or felt if he wanted a quiet, peaceful existence. And oh how much he wanted that. 

Kihyun’s mother often chided and nagged him for being too skinny and tiny [he just never had a big appetite!], his father reprimanded him for being too neurotic [wanting his living quarters to be organized and clean was a sign for neurosis now?], his brother made fun of him for being so feminine [Really? Having a skin care routine was solely for women now? Jesus Christ….], his former friends had gradually stopped hanging out with him because he nagged like a mother-in-law [He just wanted them to be safe, clean and successful adults! He was nagging for their own good!], and his former high school classmates had just resumed it all by calling him a pervert [really, a pervert, because he was a bit too organized for a teenager, and had tinier built, was a church choir kid and wasn’t all that good in sports? Unbelievable]. All in all, Kihyun had learnt the hard way, that his life was going to be exponentially better if he just took his opinions and habits and shoved them deep inside his core were no one could see them in the naked eye. Hiding his true self meant peace. He needed to learn such skills.

And well had he learnt. Where before there was family issues, he quieted them down by eating two snacks more a day [at least the weeks prior to visiting his parents], never voicing out his issues with how things were done [so his father wouldn’t get annoyed with him and start going on about what had done wrong in his upbringing] and waking up before the sun rose [so his brother couldn’t see his daily routine unfold] and with strangers, or peers by association, where there had been bullying in high school, by college he was decently liked by most people in his year [because he could get them good grades by working with him], he just had to bottle his temper inside [because his attitude had always been a problem] and keep his real self restrained long enough for people not to see. 

Sadly, that brought a tiny black pup with him. 

One that grew as fast as any dog would grow. 

One that was black as the night, and just as engulfing. 

Black dogs have, in some cultures, been associated with less than happy meanings. Portents of death, crossroads, Sirius Black and his despondent attitude… all those meaning just jumbled together just meant one thing to Kihyun in the grand scheme of things: depression. It was a harsh reality he lived with every single hour of every single day, sometimes soft and whimpering, other harsh and barking. He never thought of himself as that guy who could fall into such a dark hole, and yet, at 26 years old, he faces his life with a grim outlook and shame. Shame, because he had a job that he should enjoy - as he had wanted a carrier in journalism since he graduated college and finally, after years of taking pictures at shitty baby showers and over the top weddings, he could finally say he was writing and taking pictures for a decent newspaper -, an apartment that was mostly paid off - thanks to the inheritance his beloved grandfather left for him -, food on his plate - that he once enjoyed cooking for himself - and some decent acquittances that he actually found tolerable. 

In reality, he knew being depressed was not something he should let himself BE, and should have fought harder when he felt it initially crept in the back of his mind, taking hold of every little insecurity he had ever felt. At first it was manageable, mostly because he had always prided himself in being logical and sensible, so he knew most of the thoughts he was having were largely untrue. He knew that anything his insecurities said was just, and really just, bullshit. And then came the progressive mulling. What if those thoughts were true? What if he really was such a nuisance to everyone and keeping everything inside was the best course of action? He worked hard on being cheerful, secure in his professional ideas and efficient in his work, he worked hard to be respected and well liked, unlike how his formative years had been, full of quarrels and harsh words thrown around indiscreetly. He had been himself back then, and himself had gotten ridiculed, beaten up and discarded like a dirty rag when being around him had become uncomfortable. 

Losing friends in that context was the worst part of it, if he thought about it hard enough. He thought the people he considered his friends were going to stick by him, defend him when teachers gave him the back and bullies took advantage of his smaller frame… but they never did. Or maybe they tried, but his prideful, spiteful self had pushed them away. He tried to look over everything that had happened in high school, but every mistake ate away at his self confidence, at his self love. He had learnt to blame himself for every mistake, for every misplaced scream, and couldn’t really blame them for leaving. In the end, it was his fault. Like it was his parents were annoyed and disappointed and how he had turned out, like it was with his brother that was ashamed of him. 

So he hid. It was easy, really. He discovered he could have been an actor with all the power he had over his involuntary reactions. Or a politician. Well, he still could, if it didn’t feel so fucking exhausting to even think about the future. Hell, thinking about the next day was awful. Getting by the hour was painful. Working was becoming painful too. 

He feared the day breathing could become just as painful. 

Looking out of the window on the right side of his desk, he tried hard not to let his tumultuous thoughts show on his face. He felt so drained, and hadn’t been able to concentrate for hours now; his brain went on this rollercoaster ride down every part of him that disgusted him about himself and really, it wasn’t very productive. The last few weeks had been like this one, even if he had forced himself to do stuff he actually enjoyed once, but nothing seemed to feel the void and calm down the black dog. He was vicious and angry, his barks ringing inside his ears, defeating him to the real world. 

His coworkers had noticed, of course, about his lack of productivity and slump. But his boss had been lenient enough to let him be a bit behind given his past performance, if he stayed after hours to finish his work. He was actually grateful to not be dropped on the spot, but he also felt worse, because what had he done to deserve such treatment? He had just done his work all this time, nothing worth noticing over the others. And being for the third night in a row stuck in front of his computer unable to concentrate was driving himself up the wall. 

“Yoo Kihyun-sunbaenim! Still here?” Asked one of his coworkers, Yoon Jeonghan. He actually was an intern, fresh out of college, but was the new talk of the newspaper: he was tall, slim, with luscious long hair and pleasing features; a smooth talker if you ever heard one, but his charms had everyone enamored with him by the hour. Kihyun liked him alright, like he liked anyone else nowadays, really. 

“Yoon Jeonghan- hoobae, yes. I’m still here, Where you organizing files till this hour? Thank you for the great work!” He praised, smiling tiredly at the younger man, who rewarded him with a beaming smile.

“You are too kind, sunbae. But aren’t you going home? It’s almost ten past twenty. You live close by?” He pressed, walking a bit closer to Kihyun’s desk. The older male felt himself tense from the unwanted proximity, and the black dog was barking louder inside his head. He clutched the closest pen he could reach so Jeonghan couldn’t see his hands going white from the stress he was putting on them. 

“Yeah, it’s just a twenty minute walk, give it or take. I’ll be fine hoobae, but you should go! It’s late and you take the train, do you not?” The younger nodded “then go, I’ll finish up here and close. Lee-nim trusted me with the keys.”

“Are you sure? We could walk together, sunbae. It’s lonely to walk alone in dark nights like this…” the young journalist trailed off, looking out the window, pondering. Kihyun joined him in silence, his eyes finding the same scenery he saw every day and that once filled him with pride. It only looked like a blur, now.

“I have to finish this up, but I’ll take on that offer next time, what do you say?” Asked in return Kihyun, trying to make a mental note to keep himself from denying Jeonghan the next time, even if it pained him. The dog growled.

Jeonghan smiled.

“I hope you finish early, sunbae. Have a good night and see you tomorrow!” 

With that, the man left the building, his steps slowly dissipating down the stairs and Kihyun felt he could finally breath again. He once loved to be around people and felt good when his smiles, albeit a bit faked, were returned with enthusiasm. The last few weeks, it felt like every smile gave was more of a grimace, and every once he got in return was mocking him in secret…

That train of thought had to stop.

Groaning, he looked at the document he had open in his computer and felt his soul slowly trying to get free from his body.

 

_____________

 

Yoo Kihyun actually had friends in high school. Like, good friends. 

Well, when he was in middle school, because high school was the time everything went to hell, but you get the idea.

There was Lee Hoseok. Or well… Shin, he supposed, after her mother remarried. Slightly older, so he forced Kihyun to call him hyung even if the difference in age wasn’t all that big of a deal. A kind, sensitive little boy who had been his friend since elementary school. The guy was the cry baby, the softest creature to grace the land with his presence and Kihyun absolutely adored him when they were kids. He thought of himself as Hoseok’s protector, in a way, even if the boy was a tae kwon do student and actually could crush anyone between his hands. Hoseok gentleness and good nature made it impossible for him to defend himself, and Kihyun was all trigger happy to go off on the bullies. But by the time the reached high school… well… Hoseok had become popular, in a way. He had grown into his strength, his body buffing up and his face getting handsome, more handsome that it was fair to be. He still was kind and gentle, but had learnt that playfulness actually paid off more than the aggressiveness Kihyun had always used like his armour. By their second year of high school, the distance between themselves was far too great to be filled and, honestly? Kihyun knows nothing about the guy in the present. He still hoped he was well, thought. 

Then, there was Lee Jooheon, who was a year younger. He was a church boy, just like him. He was the scaredy cat, the kid who was easy to tease and the kind of person who didn’t quite understand about social cues. Kihyun had taken upon himself to shield him when other kids in the neighborhood teased them for going to church regularly and actually enjoying partaking in choir activities. Jooheon was so sweet, his mother used to call him “Honey” and the nickname actually stuck around, much to his horror. Music was their main thing; together, they played guitar, danced around and tried - and failed - to compose music. But a year in difference was huge when they were kids, and by the time Kihyun was being left behind by his peers in high school, people had taken notice in Jooheon’s evident musical talent. So, Kihyun took distance, because who would have wanted to be associated with the weird, angry choir kid that couldn’t be liked by anyone? Certainly not Jooheon, not at all. He still saw the kid’s mother whenever he visited his own parents, and knew enough about the other’s life - was good, living in Seoul as himself, working for a record company and actually was a rapper, who would have thought - to feel confident in his decision.

And then, there was Im Changkyun, who was even younger than Jooheon. The kid was unexpressive as they came, and was admittedly, the weirdest human being Kihyun had the pleasure of ever getting to know. He was interested in the creepiest shit - insects, blood, and weird science-y stuff Kihyun never bothered really understanding - and even as a young teen, had the deepest voice he had ever heard. That, if he wasn’t creaming at the top of his lungs or trying to act cute to both Hoseok and Kihyun. He usually succeeded in his schemes, getting both food and cuddles out of them. Sadly, even if Kihyun adored the kid, and actually fantasized of being able to stay friends with him in high school, just a year before Kihyun went into that hell hole, Changkyun’s family was transferred to Boston. Between tears and hugs, they had promised to keep in touch. They never did.

So yeah, Kihyun had people he really cared about in high school, but his unpleasant self had driven everyone away. He couldn’t blame Hoseok and Jooheon, not really, when he was the one driving everyone away and not clinging to that relationship. But what hurt the most was learning both of his former friends had become chummy with his main tormentors over the course of high school life. Both Hoseok and Jooheon had become friends with Son Hyunwoo and Lee Minhyuk, source of terror and bane of his existence, respectively. But that’s a story for another time, I’m afraid.

 

___________

 

Kihyun knew his thoughts were starting to become dangerous when he found himself pondering on the concept of suicide outside of the passing observation of: “oh, yeah, it’s so sad that people go into that mental space the can’t escape”. He was at the stage of “the relief they must have felt when the pain was over must have been amazing”. 

It was scary to realize just how dark he had become in the past months. And what was scarier, he knew if he chose to end his life, the most probable person to notice was going to be his boss, because he didn’t hand in the assignment given to him the day before. His mother surely was going to be notified next, and so would his father be told, and then his brother, of course. But aside from some distant family members he couldn’t remember the faces of, and some high school hypocrites, he doubted his funeral was going to be a notorious affair. Who would, in their sound mind, go to his funeral out of real care for him, really? His boss would be obligated to do so, maybe some professors he had a semi-close relationship with in college, and maybe his most recent ex boyfriend, Min Yoongi, because his mom still had his number, and they actually still saw each other as pleasant acquaintances when meeting each other for business - the male was one of the best marketeers Kihyun had ever known. But people still relevant to his present life? He hardly had anyone that could fit that description.

And suicide seemed such a far away concept, at first. It was something he wouldn’t even dare to attempt, as a devoted christian, and something he originally told himself was never going to do to his parents. He wasn’t selfish, he told himself. He wasn’t a coward, nor was he a quitter, he stated, firmly in his head. But the looming presence of the black dog made him realize, if he let himself be a bit cynical, that those preconceptions were just bullshit. That was things people never dealt with such feelings told people who dealt with them to appear worried or involved in the process, but they didn’t know. They didn’t feel. They didn’t feel the contradictions inside his head that paralyzed him on his bed when he was supposed to be sleeping, or when he was supposed to stand up in the morning. They didn’t see the dullness in the world, that had shaded the world in such a unflattering shade of muddy brown, and had made once a beautiful world, just a thing he had to deal with because it was just… there. And they didn’t see how much he wanted NOT to be like that, how much he struggled to rationalize everything, and tell himself that all that crap was just in his head. That those thoughts weren’t real. 

But they were. Very much so.

So he kept pushing, he kept fighting a losing battle every day, just because he could, because he still could drag the strength he thought lost to move and do his routine every day as it should be done, and go to work and finish his assignments with less remark-ability, but still pretty good in quality, if his boss word’s were anything to get by. He tried to keep people ignorant of his struggles so hard, he sometimes forgot he was actually struggling with anything. In those moments he felt alive again, even if for a little while.

Yet, he knew he couldn’t keep this up. It was unsustainable in the very definition of the word. But then what? What could he do? Go to therapy?

He had actually considered… getting professional help. He had actually booked an appointment with a mental health professional twice and never actually got there because… because he panicked. Why he panicked, he couldn’t really describe it, but it was like the dog was bitting at his ankles, vicious and angry, and every step he took closer to the doctor’s office, the worst the pain got. So, in the end, he backtracked. Every time that had happened, the dog got quieter, almost pleasant in the back of his head, curled up and content. He felt such relief getting back to his apartment, just to be filled with shame and disappointment right after, as one felt when failing at something important. He was filling to be responsable. He was failing to himself because he was scared, of all things.

But when he booked a third appointment, just a few days after his last crisis, when he just had energy to keep himself from crying in front of his boss for a missed dead line, he failed to get there too.

And that’s where we are today. In that lonely road headed right to the unknown.

He was just there, in the city, the flashing light s of cars speeding right besides him in the narrow pathway he had chosen to get from one side to the city to the other. The doctor he had tried to visit that day was actually on the other side of Seoul, and he had commuted for about forty-five minutes before hiving in to the dog and scrambling away, with his breath short and head spinning. He felt like such a waste of space. Like such a failure. No wonder his parents and brother couldn’t bare him really. 

Walking was such a task, so he stopped doing so, looking down at the concrete sidewalk like it could show him the answers to his issues. Like it could get him out of that mental space and into that counselors office once and for all, so that person could help him rein the dog in and stop this spiral right into madness. He needed something, anything. But concrete was just concrete, inert, dead as stone. 

Dead as he could be if he just leaned sideways into incoming traffic.

With a start, Kihyun pinched his hand hard enough to bruise, but it was enough to get him out of that trance, in which he undoubtedly could have jumped into traffic if he didn’t have such a strong grip on himself still. He felt pain, so that meant he still was alive. And alive was good, right?

Right?

He forced him to stand closer to the wall, a mere feet away from the busy, heavily driven street, but it felt like an ocean between himself damnation and relief. He hadn’t meant that last thought. 

Trying to get a grip on himself, he tried breathing slowly. He held his breath for three seconds and the released it shakily. That actually had helped him before, when he had been contemplating such things before, and had gotten the more rational part of his brain working again. But today it seemed that even trying to breath was a chore. It was just all so tiring. All so hard to do. He didn’t know who he was anymore, nor how to get back to better times, or at least less shitty ones.

He glanced to the street, the cars speeding relentlessly down the street. It was that kind of street were they were supposed to be careful because people could cross it, but no one paid much attention because, let’s be honest, with three lanes on one side and three on the other, no one should be trying to cross it. There was an overpass, for that purpose exactly, less than half a mile away, fully covered to keep people from falling. 

Kihyun hated feeling disappointed at such a fact. 

He didn’t know why his feet had walked closer to the street, but he didn’t mind when the drift of cars passing by played with his fringe in such. Gentle way, it almost felt like a caress. It had been a while since he had felt such tenderness in a touch, even if it was because of the wind. But the wind made his skin feel cold, and he was mortifies to realize it was because of cooling tears. 

Looking up to the sky, he tried hard to suppress them, or at least to make them roll back inside his eyes, the traitors. But he couldn’t help himself. He was crying alone on a car-filled, lonely street at eight o’clock at night without anything to look out for his future. He was tired and the dog was gnawing at his heart, pushing him to get everything over with. The end the pain his sharp teeth broke into his flesh. His rational brain doubted he could ever get himself killed by a car even if he jumped at the right second, and the idea of failure in killing himself was even more mortifying. But it was perfect, in a way. If he really ended up dead, then… then…

Then…

The he heard someone shout from somewhere down the path, but couldn’t be bothered to look up.

Then…

Then he heard it again, closer.

Then…

Then he felt it right beside him. 

“Yo!! Short guy!! Hi!!” He heard that someone scream, but his brain was so hazed, that even his movements were slow and detached “Wow, are you ok? You look… hey, dude, are you crying…? What are you doing…?” The voice, once cheerful sounded concerned, and that broke the spell.

Right in front of him, there was a face he thought he should remember: it was pleasing to look at, that was for sure, with a sharp nose, gentle upturned eyes and pretty mouth. The hair was almost honey like, but not really. It shone golden under the street lights. The man was tall, well built, but skinny and sharp everything. His coat was crisp, and his shoes weren’t polished, but still looked decent enough on Kihyun’s opinion. Drying his eyes discretely, or as discretely as he could with someone looking him intensely and straight, he pushed his mask back on, in fear the man was a client. 

“Yes? How may I help you?”

The man snickered, but his eyes reminded concerned and aware. Just as aware as they were before.

Once before.

Kihyun’s brean caught in his throath and wished he had jumped straight into oncoming traffic a few minutes ago.

“Really? Four years in the same class and you forgot about me, Yoo Kihyun? I’m wounded. But your friend Lee Minhyuk here needs a beer and you are coming with me,”

Kihyun felt himself faint.


	2. A Change of Pace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kihyun is assigned to work on covering a business fair downtown, and is less than thrilled about it. 
> 
> Specially, because he clashes into Lee Minhyuk again. And now he has company. 
> 
> When the past comes to bite you in the ass, even a black dog cowers in fear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If last chapter had underwhelmed you, or had made you feel bad, please don't worry, it just goes up from there. Or at least, till it gets worse and then back up again. You know, as everything. 
> 
>  
> 
> See ya!

Episode 2/ A Change of Pace

 

Once, when he was a teenager and life had seemed a lot more intense that it actually was to become, Kihyun had learnt the hard way that being forward and intense wasn’t really the best course of action when it came to interacting with peers. More often than not, his straightforward approach and unapologetic tendencies put him in less than ideal situations, specially with people that had, in all honesty, no care for him or what he represented. It all had begun when some of his classmates were mocking a teacher whose fashion sense was… a bit outdated, even by Kihyun’s standards. The woman was kind and soft spoken, hardly fitted to teach philosophy to hormonal teenagers, and her big old brown sweaters paired up with under the knee patchwork skirts and loafers didn’t help her case. Kihyun liked her, if not for her kind disposition, for the way she taught. She made sure to go slow and tried her hardest to make students participate in her class, but her efforts were mostly lost in people who were more interested in talking to each other or sleeping with their eyes mostly open. He felt so bad for her, that he usually stood behind in her class just to ask her things he wasn’t really all that interested about, but the way her eyes lighten up usually made up for the lost minutes of recess.

But that meant that people caught on his habit of talking to her after class. That meant, of course, that assholes were going to tease him about that.

Assholes like Lee Minhyuk, whom sadly was in his class and saw his interactions with her weekly.

“So the shorty nerd is in love with the meek Phil’s teacher right?” He had asked once, crowding his personal space at lunch. Kihyun often sat alone by the emergency stairs, a book in hand and picking into his well made bentos. He didn’t want to admit he was hiding away, but to be honest, that was exactly what he was doing. If people didn’t see him around, they could mostly forget about his existence and leave him alone, and that’s exactly what he wanted if the alternative was pricks like Minhyuk asking stupid questions just to rile him up. It was even worst, because the asshole never was alone. No, he had to be around that gigantic golem that was Son Hyunwoo and his jock friends. Luckily for him, Son Hyunwoo rarely even talked, just stood around and looked like malformed piece of muscle he surely was.

“Fuck off, prick. She is a great teacher and doesn’t deserve your shit.” was the only answer Kihyun was going to give him, and Minhyuk beamed in amusement.

“Oh shit!! Is serious!!!” He exclaimed, hands going directly to his cheeks, squishing them in mock surprise. Behind him, some of the football kids snickered, clearly amused “Kihyunnie is in love~~~~ Kihyunnie is in love~~~~” he sang, trying to get his claws on Kihyuns perfectly combed hair. The shorter male swatted the the other’s hand away, with a loud smack. Minhyuk winced. He saw, from the corner of his eye, how Hyunwoo tensed slightly, probably ready to beat up his ass. Or whatever big guys like him did to angry balls of spite like Kihyun.

“Get away, Lee. I’m trying to read, something you forgot to learn in kindergarten” he answered, a sneer plastered on his face.

But Minhyuk laughed, high pitched and oh so annoying. 

“Oh my God, you look so ugly like that! Like a puffed out hamster!!” He exclaimed, and the guys behind him laughed alongside him, so amused by Kihyun’s progressively redder cheeks and ears, while the later tried to calm his never down and not sock the bully right in his ugly mug “I’m sure miss old-Loafers loves fluffy and ugly creatures like you! She looks like the type that thinks Gudetama is cute!! Omg, that could be your new nickname, shorty!”

And that was it for his patience.

Standing up, mustering all the strength he could, he gave Minhyuk a shove that left him on the stumbling back into Hyunwoo, who reacted quickly and steadied his friend before he could fall or hurt himself. But not a second’s later, even before Kihyun could give Minhyuk a piece of his mind, a big bulky football player shoved him in return and with no one to catch him, he stumbled back into his stuff, spilling his food all over the floor and ruining his book with kimchi sauce. His ass connected right with the edge of a stair step, and the pain shut up right from his hips up to his neck. He suppressed a pained moan. 

The jocks laughed out loud, giving each other high fives. Hyunwoo and Minhyuk just shared a look before another guy, a senior, clasped their backs, still amused.

“Let’s go guys. This piece of shit is not worth our time” and they left him alone, in pain, and humiliated. He refused to look up, because he knew that if he did look up, he would let them see his glassy eyes. 

 

______________

 

Kihyun had no idea on how he got back home after the night’s before fiasco. He kinda remembered passing out on his former classmate, who held his arms to keep him from falling into the ground, and when his head rang in panic, he shoved the guy into the wall and started running away and the highest speed he could manage. He was sure he could hear Minhyuk going after him for a while, but after crossing a red light in the most suicidal way he didn’t think off, he lost him right around a comercial street and could regain his breath besides some dumpsters. After that, everything is a blur. He kinda remembers hiding away for a while, and then a taxi. But more than that is just shadows in his panicked and mortified mind.

Of all people who could have seen him having a mental breakdown, it had to be motherfucking Lee Minhyuk. Eight years without even remembering the guy existed, and he had to be found by him at one of his lowest points to date. Yeah, he had actually thought about killing himself yesterday. The sole thought made him shudder in his seat, while he tried to work on a story about divorce rates in the country being at an all-time high or something. He really wasn’t paying attention, but the adrenaline running through his veins made him want to do something, anything to get away from his thoughts. He could feel himself physically cringe at the sole thought of Minhyuk seeing his tears when he had managed to keep them away when the guy bullied him in high school. 

With no one really paying attention to him as per usual, he kept on working through lunch - which he forgot to cook for himself last night - and by his three o’clock coffee. At one point he was sure Jeonghan came by to ask him if he wanted any, but he was so out of it that it took him two tries to even understand the question and giving the intern a negative. 

He felt a hand on his shoulder, and he almost jumped out of his skin. 

“Yoo-hoobae” he looked up to catch his boss looking down at him, with an amused smirk on his lips “jesus, you are really out of it, aren’t you? I need to ask something of you”

Kihyun took a few seconds to really comprehend what was being told to him and forced his best smile.

“Eh, whatever you need, Lee-ssi…” he muttered, but before he could say anything else, his boss interrupted him.

“Your article looks good. Is it for tomorrow’s issue?” He asked, looking at Kihyun’s computer. The younger male nodded, still a bit out of it “forward it to me then, before we head into my office. Come on, I’ll wait for you there.”

With that, the male incorporated himself and walked to his desk on the other side of a glass door, while Kihyun gave the article a once over and sent it. It wasn’t good enough, but if the man needed something, then it’ll have to do. Surely they’ll give it to Jeonghan to fix afterwards. 

The sole thought sent chills down his spine, but forced himself not to think about unemployment at that point. That kind of thought usually woke the black dog up, and anxiety had him sleeping since yesterday. 

Walking up the man’s office, he straightened his well ironed shirt that was already a bit rumpled because of use and went in with his best business smile.

“Yoo-hoobae, please sit down” requested the man, and Kihyun followed his orders without hesitation “thank you for coming here, I know this is really out of the blue, but I need you as a reporter from now on, or at least for a few weeks…”

Kihyun tried to suppress a frown and just let his unexpressive face do the talking instead. Or at least, his well manicured lifted brow. The man snickered, clearly amused by his employee’s face. The black dog’s ears perked up.

“The thing is, Soo Kyulkyung-ah is getting married, as you know…” Kihyun nodded “right, well. .. she is leaving by the end of next month and I need a on site reporter and you are one of our best here…” he praised, and Kihyun tried to feel pride because of it, but nothing filled his chest. His boss hesitated a bit, and the said softly “…I know you’ve been… a bit uninspired the last few months… and before you get all tense, don’t take this as a bad thing. Everyone goes down the blue road sometimes. But because you are a great worker, and I don’t want to loose you just yet, I thought it’ll be good for you to be in another area for now.”

The black dog snarled. He was ok. 

“I know you don’t want people to notice you are struggling…”

The black dog growled, ready to bark.

“…but I know you are not ok in your current position. And we need someone to do on-site reporting. Taking pictures and whatnot. And you are the only one who is a journalist and a photographer right now. So, why not giving it a go?” He asked, finally. 

Kihyun tried hard not to tremble, while the black dog paced around in the back of his mind, his hands grasping at his jeans with enough force that any wrong move would surely tear up the cloth. The man in front of him sighed and smiled at him, a bit strained.

“I know you love writing… but you need to get out. Find out what you need again. Being inside here is not going to give your inspiration back, and I need my best writer in full capacity for election time next year. You are great at political journalism. So, take this as a change of air before that, ok?”

Kihyun tried hard to smile, but he knew it looked more like a grimace. The black dog growled again, deep and rumbling.

“I’ll do it sir. No problem” he managed to get out, and the man stood up and clasped his shoulder.

“Just try and get back on your feet, kiddo. You’ve been working too hard for a long time. It was bound to catch up to you.” The man said, and squeezed Kihyun’s shoulder one last time, before retreating “You know what? Why not start tomorrow? I need someone to go down to the park near the city hall, you know, that big thing full of flowers and trees and all that lovely crap people seem to like. The one thing on the other side of the city. There’s going to be a business fair for food and restaurant entrepreneurs there, and it’ll be the perfect place for you to show me your photography skills once again.”

Kihyun nodded and stood up, still dazed by the stress and anxiety this was giving him.

“I will not disappoint, sir”

The man gave him a loop sided smile.

“You never have. Make us proud, kiddo”

Kihyun had never felt more pressure than he was feeling today and the black dog in his head was howling, almost roaring in full hunt for his weakness to gnaw on. 

God fucking damnit.

 

___________

 

Lee Minhyuk was a sucker for making people laugh. He had always been a class clown of sorts, enjoying the reactions he could take out of people just by sticking some straws up his nose and crossing his eyes. It was the thing he enjoyed the most out of all the things he was good at, and admittedly, it was the thing that endeared him the most to all of his friends. Sure, a lot of people had kept him around because he was funny and out going, but the ones who stuck around, did because they actually enjoyed his company despite being a disaster. Sadly, his improvisational abilities had a big down side: he never knew when he was being too much. He never thought before saying things, and that was both part of his charm and his greatest fault. He never knew the effect his words had on people, and things he found funny and remarkable, sometimes could be considered offensive.

Best example: his best friend since middle school and current roommate, Son Hyunwoo. 

When they first met, Minhyuk thought the boy looked weird, with his full cheeks and seal-like-smile. So he told him so. You know, that the man looked like a content baby seal. And that he smelled like one when he got out of gym class. He also told him he looked like a bear, all thick and big like one, and sometimes just as clumsy. He also asked him if he wanted to ride a monocycle with a tutu on like a circus bear.

He thought that was hilarious and fun. Not Hyunwoo thought.

It took a while before Hyunwoo understood that the comparison was good natured and meant to be funny in a positive way, and told Minhyuk that he’d rather be called by his name. The younger male never did, but the only thing he had to do when Minhyuk’s teasing went too far was to get him in a headlock and ruffle his hair a bit. That did the trick.

But most people didn’t get Minhyuk’s humor. Most people thought he was just mean 90% of the time, but people gave him a pass because he said things in a funny way, or at least in a way that made the right people in the social ladder laugh. It took a lot of introspection during college to fully understand the extent of that power, and a very shy, very drunk Shin Hoseok admitting he thought he was a bully while they were in high school to understand why people never really stuck around, besides Hyunwoo. 

Shin Hoseok had gone to high school with him but was a grade older. He always thought the boy had dumbo ears and a very contra intuitive body, with a baby’s face and a hulk’s mass. Like those dolls with swapped heads, so he joked about it constantly in high school. A real life Hulk. The jocks Minhyuk usually hanged around took the nickname and ran with it, teasing and calling him that from then on, even if that wan’t even that funny, in Minhyuk’s opinion. But the boy always laughed, and if he was offended, he didn’t show it. Yet, they never really talked outside the random get togethers at Hyunwoo’s house where the guy was around the dance and gymnastic kids, so he never really got to see if his comments had any kind of negative results. Luckily for Minhyuk, when he entered college to get his business degree, the guy was there studying nutrition and health or stuff related to that - the major title was far too complicated and boring for Minhyuk to memorize it. A familiar face was always good, because he could attach himself to him and not be alone in the huge campus. Naturally, and because Hyunwoo was still kinda friends with the big guy, they became good friends in the first few months of his first year,

And then Hoseok had tossed the bomb and Minhyuk was forced to confront his previous life choices.

[“You always bullied people dude. Like, called them names and stuff like that and yeah, now I see you are chill and everything, but you messed a lot of people up…” the man slurred, while bottoming up the last swing of soju from it’s bottle “you remember Yoo Kihyun?”

Minhyuk nodded, still a bit confused. It was hard to forget someone who looked like a fluffy hamster but barked like a Rottweiler at anyone who got in a meter radius from him. He was cute, tho… He told Hoseok so, and he sighed sadly.

“We were best friends in middle school. He always was a bit aggressive to people who teased him and never took it well. He absolutely hated when people teased me, for starters. He really got mad when you started calling me “Baby Hulk” and the other assholes you were friends with run away with it. I hated the nickname because Hulk was this aggressive violent thing and that’s the last thing I wanna be… and Kihyun, well… he was livid about that nickname and told me to fight against it, but I never did…” he trailed off, almost nostalgic “…anyways, we distanced ourselves in high school, but I still knew Kihyun was really offended and actually got really fucked up by your teasing…”

“I never knew… I just thought his reactions were hilarious… but he never asked me to stop… not really…” 

Hoseok snorted.

“I never did either, didn’t I?”

Minhyuk cringed.

“I’m sorry… I never knew…”

“It’s cool dude. I always assumed you did it in order to survive, as everyone else did. High school is a jungle. You were friends with all the strong cool kids and it was the place to be…” his chin trembled lightly, light he was fighting drunken tears “I noticed it too. Luckily I was strong and hot, so they left me alone. But Kihyun was the fire cracker. Even if Jooheon or I tried to tell him to stop taking it to heart, he just lashed out at us too. In the end he drifted away.”

“Lee Jooheon? The mixtape underclassman?”

“Yeah, he was friends with us too. We, me and Jooheon, still talk from time to time but college is kicking my ass so is harder to keep in touch with high school kids, right?” 

“And Kihyun?”

Hoseok sighed.

“Nothing. Well… I haven’t heard from him in years, even before leaving high school and starting college. The guy avoided me like the plague after a few disagreements we had. Hadn’t heard from him ever since. Jooheon’s mom hears about him because she is friends with his mom, but more than it… nothing.”

Minhyuk sighed, moving his still half full glass in his hand slowly.

“If I ever see him again, I’d like to apologize.”

Hoseok snorted, his tears still making his eyes glitter in the faint light, but never spilling from his eyes.

“Good luck dude, he is going to tear your face off.”]

The feeling persisted all through college, and now, with his new start up coming together, he felt like the only thing left for him to do was to apologize to Yoo Kihyun to his face. Sure, he had facebook stalked him [the hamster-kid was a journalist, it seemed, and there hadn’t been any activity since eight months ago] and actually looked around his instagram [the man had gorgeous pictures about mostly anything BUT his life. It was more like a work portafolio, not a personal account], but he never hit the message button to actually contact the guy. It didn’t felt right to attack him online when, if anything Hoseok and later Jooheon, who had became friends with him because of the big guy, had told him was accurate, the man was just going to ghost him and skip towns or something drastic like that. 

And then he actually found the guy, two days ago. But it wasn’t the way he wanted to find Yoo Kihyun. Oh no, it wasn’t. He was walking home from a meeting, ready to call the pizza delivery and eat his body weight in delicious pizza with Hyunwoo when he saw the man right there. On the edge of the street. Looking up, eyes glistening. It was easy to recognize his face and size, he really hadn’t changed a thing since high school, and still was the same tiny skinny thing he was back then, with lighter, almost auburn hair and well styled hair dancing around in the wind. But it was the way his shirt hung from his shoulders, almost too big even if it clearly was a XS, and the way his belt almost had to fight for it’s dear life to get the pants to stay put where they were. He already was a skinny ball of anger in high school, but this lightened up all the warning lights in his head. 

And then he saw it, the light sway forward. Like he was going to fall right into the busy street and get run over a car. He tried calling him, but the guy was just not hearing anything. So he ran up to him and tried getting his attention without touching. He got it, but the reaction he got was not what he was expecting: he expected rejection, anger, anything, but the guy had dabbed his eyes with the cuff of his shirt, and looked up at him with the most pleasant, professional mask he had ever seen in a human being. 

Something inside him was screaming that something wasn’t ok. That something was awfully wrong. But of course his mouth had to run and ruin everything, as it usually did when improvising some poor chosen joke. When realization hit the poor guy, it was like his soul had actually left his body and he fainted, falling forward and Minyuk had to stumble to catch him. In the same breath, however, Kihyun had tossed him aside into the wall and started running like a man who had the devil on his back.

Ironically, maybe for Kihyun he was the devil and running after him was the worst idea ever.

He tried calling after him, telling him to stop. But when they reached the big intersection at the end of the road they were in, Kihyun had run into the street like a mad man, red light glaring brightly in front of them, and got to the other side of the road unharmed by the love of some very, very kind god. Minhyk had to watch, in horror, as the guy got into the shopping district and get lost between the people he had been in just a few hours before, cars still honking on the street, just as confused as him. 

It was almost comical, he was about to present the project Hyunwoo, Hoseok and him had been working for months now, Monsta Nutrition, in the business faire and start up his company finally, and he was feeling like the worst kind of human being who had the disgrace of walk on earth. Hyunwoo had reassured him that he’ll have another chance to talk to Kihyun again, and had actually advised him on not telling Hoseok nor Jooheon yet about his find, because that would really make the guy flee and never come back, but Minhyuk still felt that something was wrong. Maybe it was the way the guy had been standing there on the edge of the sidewalk, preachily balancing himself, crying and almost empty. 

Minhyuk didn’t know, but boy, was he determined to find out.

 

_______________

 

Kihyun never - or really in, the lapse of two days - had wanted to go back to that side of the city again, after the whole psychologist and meeting-up-with-Lee-Minhyuk-there fiasco. His gut told him the guy was going to pop up like a undesired zyst, but his rational brain told him that he was being ridiculous. There was no way that in such a big city, and in such short amount of time, he was going to find Minhyuk again and be faced with both his teenage trauma and his current problems. 

But he had a job to do. So he put on some concealer, a bit of eye shadow and lip tint, styled his hair to perfection, and chose his clothes carefully to not stand out but to seem professional enough to vendors and organizers. He was going to put on his armor and mask and write the best article he had ever written and take the best pictures of an event he had ever taken, to prove his boss he wasn’t down. He wasn’t down the blue road. He was just a bit distracted. It was just the constant barking of the black dog. Nothing more. 

Nothing less.

He hanged his press pass on his neck and took his camera bag, slinging it over his head, so it sat on his hips, the strap dipping into his chest. He hated messenger style bags because they made him look thiner than he was, and not even the most oversized sweater he owned could hide the fact his chest was nothing to look at. But it was better to have his camera at arms length, not behind on his back, so looking tinnier it was. The fair was bustling with people and colorful stands, all filled with novelty foods and weird hipster concepts Kihyun used to adore, so taking pictures of those was going to be easy. Taking his professional camera out, he tested a few shots, to get used to the lighting and worked the buttons on the side for a while. It had been a while since he had to work on site and he was a bit nervous. He was used to call people or write emails in order to get what he wanted for an article, but asking people? Talking to them about their project? It was hard, really. 

So, he warmed up with his camera, looking around and asking people to pose. It was easier for him to approach girls, mostly because he had a soft voice and welcoming face, he had learnt over the years. So, he started at a vegan cup cake stand and took pictures and made some notes about the concept, cute and creepy. The cupcakes had cute little animal faces, but when you cut into them, the red filling spilled everywhere, like blood. Kihyun thought it was gruesome, but well, who was he to discourage them there? He just laughed around, took some more pictures, and went on his merry way, trying to free his mind of spilling blood and cute bear faces. 

The next few stands were just more about the hipster-vegan-free-range type of thing. Light colors with some industrial accents and lots of green. It was easy to take pictures of such things, because they were meant for instagram or such platforms, and even if Kihyun didn’t actually like typical-instagram type pictures, they were going to fit the article just right. There was a Chinese restaurant promoted by two Chinese immigrants that looked very young and very fresh faced, and the food actually looked pretty neat and smelt great. And the decoration was transgressive, very kitsch and modern, with pops of color here and there, and Kihyun appreciated the risk they were taking. He made a note to actually feature them when he went back to editing. 

Walking around, he found that the innovative places were far and few in between. A lot of sweets that had pastel colors. A lot of hipster and instagram things. The food, or the little amount he actually tasted, was decent mostly everywhere, and nothing to make light about at that point. Maybe it was the black gnawing at his brain and ability to appreciate people’s effort and hard work, but everything looked the same. And then a booth caught his eye. It was neon green, silver, white and black. And the music was neat, some fresh duet of rappers he had never heard before, pleasing and energetic. From his spot, he could see how the lights and shadows played with the back of the head of the chef, who was flipping some pancakes and making a show for the girls who were admiring his muscles flex. Taking out his camera, he took a few shots. 

The light was just right, and the man’s muscles glistened with the heat, making them look even bulkier and sun kissed. Pleased, he tried to get closer, camera still focused on. He noticed another man was also with his back facing him, he was also very muscular, but paler, and his black hair created such a flattering contrast, that he had to take a picture of him beside the neon green lights. The man was showing some smoothies, or something like that, to some costumers, and they looked enthralled in the way the man chopped vegetables and fruit. All the pretty colors fading into one when the machine worked it’s magic. 

Kihyun was fascinated too. 

He got closer, taking his notepad out of his pocket and wrote down the name - Monsta Health… they really needed to work on the name, maybe he could refer them to Yoongi if they were any good - and picked up a flyer on the far edge of the counter top, reading it throughly.

And then, someone grabbed his arm, startling him.

The Black Dog howled, ready to rip out his heart.

 

_________

 

Minhyuk was so pleased, even if they weren’t the most popular stand. Hyunwoo was doing his magic, and the idea of lubeing up his skin with baby oil before he started cooking was the brightest idea he ever had. Girls and gays equally got there faster than fleas to food, and even some straight guys noticed his good physique. He did the same with Hoseok, and told him to crush the almonds with the knife, so his arm veins slightly rose up when he applied force. He didn’t have to be an expert in marketing to know sex sells, and Hyunwoo and Hoseok sold better than a porno if they put their backs into it. He was not above exploiting his friends if it got them the attention they needed. 

Some people were genuinely interested on his products. Monster Health was about the nutrition you needed to fuel you body and keep an active, happy live. No processed sugars, no processed carbs and ready to cater to the needs of mostly everyone: lactose intolerant? sure, we have options; gluten allergy? yeah, there’s a lot of stuff you can eat here!; sugar issues? Don’t worry, my friend, we have everything you need to keep your blood sugar low and healthy. Sure, it was slightly hypocritical that after this, he was going to order the worst kind of Chinese food he knew in town, but he wasn’t the objective costumer, people like his two friends were. Reason, why he was the one explaining everything on the menu and their vision and actually doing people work, and his friends were being exploited on the “you can look like that if you eat like us”.

Questionable marketing ethics aside, everything was running smoothly.

He was trying to actually find more flyers and stuff under the counter, but everything was so disorganized in the chaos, that the only amount he could find weren’t nearly enough to keep the rhythm of costumers they were getting. At least Jooheon’s and Changkyun’s music was doing the trick on keeping people entertained while he fought with empty crushed boxes and crumpled flyers. Giving up for the time being he stood back up, and was greeted by a auburn colored hair and fair skin. 

Holy shit, Yoo Kihyun was in front of him. 

Almost panicking, he had a brief mental breakdown and tried to remember how to breath without laughing like a crazy hyena. From all people, Yoo Kihyun was in front of him, on his booth, reading his flyers with the same focused leer he had read just about anything in high school. He had a big professional camera around his neck and a press pass right over it. 

Without thinking, he grabbed the man’s arm and forced him to look up to him.

The terrified eyes that greeted him reminded him that he was once, and still was, the biggest idiot to face the earth and please Hoseok please don’t look this way I beg you-!  
“Minhyuk? Do you have an…. Oh my god!! Kihyun?? Is that you?????”

Well fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed this one!!!
> 
> Have a great day!


	3. Till the Break of Dawn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Minhyuk puts some pieces together, Kihyun is professionally masochistic and Hoseok wants answers he won't get.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy! I have no warning regarding this chapter! have fun!

Episode 3/ Till the Break of Dawn

 

Hyunwoo found pride in being a rather quiet, patient man. He often chose to be observant, ready to engage if needed, but mostly passive and analytical. He liked simple things: his friends and family, food, working out and food, the order may vary depending on the day and the circumstances, but the top four things never really strayed away from their position in the priorities list - even if Minhyuk insisted on jeopardizing the middle option quite frequently with his horrid living habits. Either way, he liked what he liked, and disliked what he disliked, but that didn’t meant he was going to make a huge deal about either thing. He just took what came to him in stride, most of the time.

Today wasn’t going to be one of those passive, quiet days it seems.

The first time he saw Yoo Kihyun he had decided he didn’t like the attitude the boy had with everyone who even glimpsed his way. He was arrogant, loud, despondent and never treated fellow classmates right. He knew from some younger kids in the football team that the guy was always sneering at everyone, and he learnt from Minhyuk, that the boy never took a joke right and that his reactions were “the best” because of it; he went red to the tip of his ears, his neck tendons strained with poorly concealed rage and he had the sharpest tongue in the whole grade. Surely only Minhyuk and his masochistic ass could possibly enjoy that, to be honest. But what ticked him the worst way, was the way he reacted when Minhyuk was being silly: sure, the tall jokester was a pain in the ass and never knew when to stop, but that didn’t mean the shorter one could shove him around or threaten him with physical pain just because Minhyuk was teasing him a bit. In his eyes, Kihyun was just a special snowflake that thought he was above everyone else, that had too many anger issues and that couldn’t keep friendships alive even if it killed him - if his relationship with Hoseok and Jooheon was anything to go by. 

And then Hoseok had told him his side of the story; how Kihyun had always fought against anyone who hurt Hoseok in their childhood, how he was the kindest when taking care of the people he loved, how he always helped Hoseok’s mom around the house when he came over, how his mood shifted for the worst when he entered his teens, the way he started drifting away silently, the way Hoseok also had drifted away because of fear, how Kihyun had wanted them to fight back against unrelenting teasing, how they both had thought that Minhyuk and Hyunwoo himself had been a bullies and never gave them the benefit of the doubt. How Minhyuk had given the wrong people the right material, and how it had made Kihyun’s high school experience miserable enough to graduate and ghost away as a distant memory. 

Now, he was confronted with the same little ball of anger who once disappeared into thin air and what he saw left him quite confused. For starters, he was concentrated in making food for their costumers, so he didn’t catch the start of the whole interaction. He just heard Hoseok’s exclamation, and after serving the girls in front of him their well decorated meal, looked up to see a stone faced Kihyun, whose wrist was still being held by Minhyuk’s bigger hand and Hoseok’s uncomfortable, worried face. The silence was deeper than the sea, and he knew the costumers were actually feeling the ice creeping up their backs too.

Well, not the young girl with the pretty dimples who had been ogling up at Hoseok since about an hour ago, and who looked side ways at Kihyun, asking in a purr:

“Oh! Are you a friend of Wonho-oppa?” 

That broke the spell, and with a swift, curt motion, the shorter male freed his arm from Minhyuk’s grasp, almost banging his hand against the counter, and bowed slightly, taking a card from a little box inside his jacket left pocket, handling it to her. She giggled at the display in glee.

“I’m Yoo Kihyun from the local newspaper and I’m writing an article about the fair. Would you mind having your picture taken with the food? It would be such a shame not to capture the face of happy costumers” Asked with a professional smile, taking his camera with both hands. The girl smiled, delighted and turned to talk to her friends about it. Glancing at Hoseok, he watched him grew tense and paler, if that was even possible. He couldn’t see Minhyuk expression, but knew enough about his roommate to understand he was trying to figure out what to do next. 

The girls asked for a few minutes to fix their make up, so Kihyun went to a group of boys who were drinking Hoseok’s protein smoothies and took some pictures of them. The guys looked huge near Kihyun, but looked pleased enough when the journalist showed them the pictures and laughed bout being famous.

“He is so thin…” he heard Hoseok murmur, and Minhyuk nodded. Hyunwoo had never paid attention to Kihyun as a whole, not to his weight at least, but even he could see how the bag dug into his chest like a rope.

“Will talk about it later. I’ll retain him, ok Seokkie?” Asked Minhyuk “go back to work…”

“But…-!”

“Minhyuk’s right, Hoseok” intervened Hyunwoo, drying his hands with a cloth “we don’t want to cause an scene, today from all days…”

“Kihyun-oppa! Can the picture have the Monsta-oppas too??” Asked the girl with the short hair, looking up at Kihyun with sparkling eyes. The journalist nodded, same smile frozen on his face. It looked so weird.

“If they are ok with it, sure. I’ll make for a great picture for the article” he answered, fiddling with his camera and working of the settings.

“Sure!! Come around, dear costumers!!” Exclaimed Minhyuk, his tone high pitched and obviously fake-excited. Hyunwoo knew the man had his professional smile on too, and could only sigh in return. He felt Hoseok grasp at his hand, and squeezing it reassuringly back, all three of them forced on a smile.

Kihyun picked up his camera and worked the lens, walking back a bit he worked it some more.

“Ok, now all smile big and bright! One! Two…!” He paused and Hyunwoo was sure his smile was not the best he could give, but the blame could always be put on the heat of his stove instead of the uncomfortable and awkward situation they were in “three!” He could see how the camera eye shut about seven times, before Kihyun adjusted again and shot two or three times more. 

The girls hurried to the side of the journalist to see the pictures, and the boys also crowded the man’s space. 

“Hyung, I’m going out of the booth for a bit” hissed Minhyuk to him, glancing side ways “I don’t want him slipping away, if not for Hoseok, for publicity. He said he was with the newspaper…”

Hyunwoo didn’t believe a word his friend said, but without any input to deter him from getting involved in some weird drama, he sighed and gave Minhyuk a pat on the back. The man grinned and picked some protein cacao and peanut butter cookies and one of the bottled green drinks the sold for the go and grinned up at him. Hyunwoo sighed again, defeated. 

“Don’t make him run away into traffic again, Hyuk.”

 

____________________

 

The Black Dog was howling, and digging his paws into the soft tissue of his brain. Kihyun almost found comical how he could have such a nightmare tearing inside his skull, and keep a mostly neutral face on the outside. This was punishment from thinking about killing himself, he was sure of it. This was God’s rage falling upon him, reminding him that a mere mortal couldn’t possibly understand the great plan he had for him by trying to jeopardize it with stupid thoughts or whatever. He really had some issues regarding God nowadays, but this was clearly him being a dick, that was for fucking sure. 

Why, of all people, had he to be confronted with those three? Specially Hoseok. Sure, he could run, and had ran away, from Minhyuk and the silent brick wall that was Hyunwoo, but Hoseok? Even if ten years had gone between them, he was sure the older male could still pick up certain things about Kihyun, and he was not ready to get a crack in his façade just because of silly sentimentality. He surely would pick on the Black Dog, who was angrily pacing from one side of his brain to the other in an anxiety-driven rage.

He took notes of the girl’s and boy’s instagram accounts and promised to tag them in the article if the pictures ended up being used. He was so pissed the pictures actually looked great and surely will have to use them afterwards, specially because the owners had smiled like the models they surely were. How in the world were people allowed to be that handsome while standing in a cramped, stuffy booth, seriously..-!

“Hey! Won’t I get any of your presentations card, shorty?”

Kihyun made his best efforts at concealing the sneer he had prepared for the tall man, but people were still watching and he was a professional. He couldn’t possibly sock someone in the face, even if he hated them with passion, in broad day light with his identification pass still on. Maybe later. Or maybe never, because that would mean not seeing the man again. That would be great. 

Probably sensing his bad mood, his high school bully holder both of his hands up, one with a plate with some weird smelling cookies and the other with a very suspicious green drink.

“Come one, let’s talk business! Wanna know about Monsta Health? Or Monsta Nutrition. We still are on the fence about the name…” the man said pointing at a table to the side. Kihyun hesitated.

The Black Dog barked, vicious. Kihyun tightened the grip on his camera and forced something on his face; he tried for a smile, but he wasn’t really sure if he accomplished the desired result.

The both sat down, facing each other, and while Kihyun slowly went for his presentation card, his hands shivering, probably from the panicked tremor the Black Dog was causing on the back of his mind while tearing at his skull with his paws. He refused to look Minhyuk in the eye, not even when he gave him his presentation card and Minhyuk offered him the same courtesy. 

Uh, so the man was a entrepreneur and was the CEO - if one could call it so in a start up with three people involved - of Monsta Nutrition. It actually fitted the him, he thought somberly.

“You know, your job suits you. You always were very careful with details” commented Minhyuk, and Kihyun tried so hard to fight the scoff that escaped from his lips, whether it was because of the similar train of thought the both of them were heading, or because the comment came from someone he abhorred, he couldn’t tell. What he could tell, was Minhyuk grinning in front of him, even if he was looking just pass the man’s neck, not actually glancing up at his face.

“You said you wanted to talk business. So, talk business” cut the journalist, notepad in hand. 

“Well, I can’t do so if you don’t taste the products. Here, try one of these” he pushed the plate slightly. 

“I’m not hungry, Lee-ssi” he felt bile riding up his throat just by referring to the man by his surname, the Black Dog pacing again. Oh, right. Professional… “I’ve been eating all morning” he corrected “I couldn’t possibly fit anything else for now… but talk about them, please.”

Minhyuk hummed, and his face betrayed no emotion.

“Well, as you may have seen, our project is mainly focused in highly nutritious food for people who want to live a healthy life. Both Hoseok and Hyunwoo developed the menu and concept for the brand, focusing on catering to people who would want a healthier, less chemically induced protein intake into their diet. You know, food for pretentious gym rats who wouldn’t want break outs or anything most protein shakes can give you because of chemicals and stuff…”

Kihyun arched a brow, unimpressed.

“Do you want me to quote you on that?” He asked carefully, his pen on the notepad.

Minhyuk snorted, and had the decency to sound bashful.

“Ok no, maybe not. Not wanting to offend potential costumers here!” He said, laughing, and the Black Dog teared at Kihyun’s head for noticing how his eyes crinkled charmingly. He nodded, courtly.

“Anything else?”

“Come on, try the juice. It’s very healthy and designed to give you all the nutrients you’ll need. It’s not really sweet, but it’s healthy…”

Kihyun eyed the juice suspiciously. The last time he tried any sort of health juice or whatever, he ended up drinking it out of spite, because the crappy drink actually was very expensive and he was going to get his fill even if the taste made him cringe for hours afterwards. He felt very affronted, but he had been trying one thing from every stand and even if this was a stand owned by some of the people he hated the most, he had to be professional and keep up the good work. 

The Black Dog sneered when he couldn’t help the grimace that broke into his features and he could swear the blasted thing laughed alongside Minhyuk. 

“It’s a taste one has to get accustomed to, I admit” said the man in front of him, smiling softly.

Kihyun wrote down some more noted, trying not to think about the slimy feeling of raw vegetables in his tongue, when Minhyuk talked again, in a subdued tone.

“I didn’t tell Hoseok about our encounter the other day, by the way. Would you be kind enough to hang around for a bit longer and talk to him? He really, really wants to greet you, shorty.”

Kihyun’s blood froze inside his veins and the dog howled, reading to pounce.

 

___________________

 

Hoseok was a anxious. He couldn’t possibly concentrate on being pleasant when on the other side fo the booth, Minhyuk was talking to Kihyun and that was a recipe for disaster, not counting the last time they tried to make a decent caffeine protein bar with Hyunwoo and Hyungwon had spat all over his beige rug. But Hyunwoo wouldn’t let him go away and had been adamant on letting Minhyuk handle everything, even if that meant losing track of the man once again. He wasn’t ready to do that.

“Please Hyung. I really want to talk to him again…” he begged “Changkyun was really sad when he learnt he wasn’t around anymore… and I know Jooheon would also want to see him again… and… and… and just please let me go talk to him. Five minutes…”

But Hyunwoo shook his head once again.

“Look, Hoseok… I don’t know the guy, I really don’t. But… he is very nervous. I don’t think he wanted to see either of us. So if you approach him right now, I’m pretty sure anyone in his situation would feel cornered. Let Minhyuk entertain and soften him up with business and brand stuff for the time being. We surely have his business card now, and there’s bound to be a phone there. You can’t contact him when we are not working and promoting, ok?”

Hoseok deflated, and tried hard not to pout. 

 

______________

 

Kihyun seethed, his knuckles white while his already short nails dug into his palms. 

“I thought this was business related, Lee-ssi. So, keep it professional”

“Don’t act like we haven’t known each other for a long time…!” Whined Minhyuk, his hands up, signaling he didn’t want to fight “but I also want a good review. Are you going to give us a good review?”

“… It’s highly unprofessional to give that sort of information before the article is written. You will see my appreciation of this event alongside other vendors… That, if you purchase the issue in which this article is going to be possibly published. In any case, I can’t assure you a good review if you keep trying to push yourself into my personal life.”

Minhyuk sighed, almost sad, looking down. Kihyun felt the Black Dog growling, .

“I just wanna… I mean…” the man glanced up at Kihyun, looking bashful “I don’t want you to run away again, ok? But… I really want you to talk to Hoseok too. And to me. I want you to talk to me. But that can come later. Don’t be a prissy dick, and stay.”

Kihyun and the Black Dog, both for the first time in a while, were utterly confused. He looked at Minhyuk with fixed eyes, trying to make light around his motivations. He didn’t get why this… this… this former classmate of his was trying to keep him around. It was baffling to him. The Black Dog sneered, and a deep fear filled his brain; what if Minhyuk was trying to keep him around to do something to him? What if he was trying to take advantage of Kihyun BECAUSE he could give him something? What is that was what Hoseok wanted? He pinched his left thigh, trying to keep himself from glancing at Hoseok and he felt his jaw clench painfully. It took him a lot of will not to grind down his teeth. The Black Dog snarled again, growling loudly and he felt himself loose some control over his breathing. He had to calm down or he was going to show something deeply embarrassing to people he didn’t even want to see him at his best

“I… I want to be left alone” he rasped, finally, and stood up.

 

____________

 

Minhyuk slightly panicked when he saw Kihyun stand up abruptly and followed suit. Reading people, he had learnt, had to be a second nature if you want to be good at business. This was the philosophy of a professor Minhyuk held in high regard while he was in college, and a man he truly saw as his mentor when it came to his professional and life values. He polished his abilities to understand his surroundings and the people moving themselves in it, and if you asked him, he was damn good at it. But with Kihyun… he never knew what to say and it wasn’t the first time when he couldn’t find the place where he went wrong in the whole conversation. 

“H-hey! Wait!” He exclaimed, lounging forward to grab Kihyun’s arm. For the first time in their whole conversation, he saw a flash of panic run across the shorter man’s face and had to actually tighten his grip in order to keep him there. The glare he received was worth keeping the guy there, but dread pooled inside his stomach… the arm he was holding was far too thin, and he had held Chae Hyungwon’s arm multiple times. 

“Let. Me. Go.” Seethed the journalist.

“No, no! Please… please calm down. I didn’t mean to push…! Ok, that’s not true but…! I just… Please stay?” He begged, relenting on his grip for a bit longer “if you don’t wanna talk to me, that’s alright, but please talk to Hoseok”

Minhyuk looked at Kihyun, really looked at him, and the puzzle pieces began to fall into place. Kihyun was annoyed, he was livid, he was terrified. His neck tendons were so stiff they might snap if more pressure was put into them, and the way he clutched at his camera bag made his knuckles look white and bony. His jaw was clenched shut, and the way his face muscles spasmed slightly, and the way his eyes moved showed him that he was close to an anxiety attack. His chest raised slowly, like he was trying to get a grip on his breathing, and Minhyuk followed suit, even if he didn’t understand the reasons behind the whole ordeal, the least he could do was to provide visual stimulation and help Kihyun follow along his plan. The both of them stood there, breathing slowly, looking at each other. 

Finally, Kihyun jerked his arm away, slowly, less aggressive than before and Minhyuk let him go, wary. 

“I do not wish to reconnect with any former acquittance from high school, Lee-ssi” the man started, his voice hoarse with heavy breathing still caught inside his throat “… Please forward in an email, whatever more information about the brand you wish to share, and anything you didn’t remember to address in our prior conversation…” Kihyun voice was monotonous, eyes clouded in a thin layer of unshed liquid, bright and tired. Minhyuk could see the bags and fine lines under the journalist’s eyes, covered by one hell of a concealer and some powder, surely “have a good afternoon, sir” he added, bowing his face slowly.

“Kihyun…-“

“I HAVEN’T given you permission to use my first name, Lee-ssi” barked the man back and Minhyuk had to will himself not to cringe away and give the shorter male the satisfaction of knowing his words had such an effect on him “just… just stop” he murmured softly and began walking to the next booth, his movements controlled and stiff. 

 

______________

 

Hoseok watched as Kihyun went away with dread, and almost jumped over the counter and straight into Minhyuk, but he tried to keep his cool and wait for his friend to come back. Lunch rush hour was almost over them, so people were starting to hang around more frequently and they couldn’t really talk. Even when Minhyuk approached them, brows furrowed and looking at his hand, he sighed and shook his head, the promise of talking about everything after hanging between them. 

Sadly… “after” was almost at five, and Kihyun positively wasn’t around anymore. Hoseok felt his heart clench painfully, aware of how unusual that opportunity had been, and how disappointed both Jooheon and Changkyun would be when he told them about the faithful encounter. Hyunwoo kept it strict, either way, and no conversation was to be had before counting money and making and inventory of everything they had left and what they had sold. Minhyuk was all too happy to follow their oldest coworker’s orders, even if he would have been clearly to slack off in any normal situation. That miffed Hoseok slightly, so he sent his boyfriend a message and asked him to bring both Jooheon and Changkyun with him. Something was wrong in all this situation, starting by Minhyuk being the one going to talk with Kihyun, when in reality it should have been Hoseok all along.

By the time everything was all cleaned up, Minhyuk was talking about numbers, and feedback they got, and how many flyers were given away and, really? Hoseok was done with such talk before it even started. But he waited, patiently, till Hyungwon and his two childhood friends came around and greeted both Minhyuk, and Hyunwoo unaware of the whole situation. He let the younger males have their fun by teasing their cooking - even if they ate any leftovers on sight even before the first five minutes of arrival - and their chose of attire. He swore Changkyun bit into Hyunwoo’s arm at one point, but he was focused on Minhyuk and his incessant tirade of this and that. He interrupted, voice laced with the sternest tone he could muster.

“Minhyuk, I need to know what happened with Kihyun today” asked Hoseok, finally. Both Jooheon and Changkyun froze, the former stuffing his face with some leftover chicken pasta and the later still holding into the bigger man’s arm, trying to win a praise of some sorts. Hyungwon looked around, somewhat confused, because the whole situation surely made no sense from an outsiders stand point.

“Kihyun was here? Like, Yoo Kihyun?” Asked Changkyun, eyes lightening up when Hoseok nodded “whoa! really??”

“Yes, but Minhyuk chased him away…” said Hoseok, slightly bitter. Jooheon looked from him to Minhyuk, his little eyes worried.

“I didn’t meant to…! I really tried to get him to talk to you, truly!” he defended, and Hoseok relaxed slightly… even if Minhyuk was an idiot sometimes, he was not purposefully mean, nor was he a liar without a proper reason “I’m sorry, I couldn’t keep him around…” he murmured, defeated, before smiling “but I have his business card! That has to count as something…”

Hoseok sighed in return, and felt the big, manly hand of Hyunwoo patting him on the back, rhytmically. Hyungwon looked around and asked finally:

“Who is Yoo Kihyun?”

Jooheon answered that, beating Hoseok to it.

“He was a good friend of Hoseok-hyung’s and mine’s in middle school. We lost contact with him years ago, but we have tried to contact him since eons ago… and well… he didn’t get along with either Hyunwoo-hyung nor Minhyuk-hyung…”

Minhyuk winced slightly and Hyunwoo sighed. Changkyun pouted softly.

“I was friends with him too, before I moved to America. He was a funny guy. Hot tempered and very passionate, but I liked him a lot…” he added, shyly. Hyungwon nodded along, piecing everything together inside his head.

“He is a journalist now, for a local newspaper…. came to the fair to take pictures and write about it. That’s how we met…” quickly supplied Hyunwoo, and Jooheon nodded in awe. Minhyuk took out the journalist’s card and gave it to Jooheon.

“He works under the the Hankyoreh… Whoa… I knew he was smart, but this is big!” Exclaimed the man, smiling. He showed the card to Changkyun, who also smiled in awe. Just Hoseok kept his eyes trained in Minhyuk.

“Why… why did you go?” Interrupted Hoseok, finally looking up at Minhyuk “you know he hates you… why didn’t you guys let me go to him?”

Hyunwoo and Minhyuk shared a look. The oldest pursed his lips, trying hard to come up with a good, diplomatic answer, but Minhyuk sighed deeply, and just dropped the bomb.

“Ok, I haven’t been all too truthful with you guys… I… I actually met him a couple days ago after work… he was standing by the side of the road… and I approached him. He ran away before I could talk to him, really. I truly wanted to have a meaningful conversation with the shorty today and make him talk to you too, Hoseok… I know how important is to you… I really know but…”

“Well, you could start by calling him by his name, you know?” Grunted Jooheon “he hates that. He wasn’t even that short!”

Minhyuk winced again, and held his hands up.

“I know! I know… but…” and he closed his mouth, frowning. Hoseok watched as the man tried to form a sentence, and failed at doing so for long moments. And before Minhyuk could say anything, Changkyun interrupted.

“Why does Seokkie-hyung say Kihyun-hyung hated Min-hyung and Hyun-hyung?”

Minhyuk sighed.

“Because I used to bully him in high school”

____________

 

Remembering high school was something Kihyun didn’t enjoy. That much had to be an understatement. All of his memories of the time were not filled with fondness nor were they laced with the nostalgia of better times. They were filled with loneliness and anger, sadness and fear. The Black Dog usually dug his paws harder into his brain when he thought about the old days, scratching deeply into the ridges of his brain, and leaving permanent marks inside his skull. So, he didn’t think about them. 

But couldn’t avoid doing so when high school came crashing back into him in the form of his childhood trauma.

He still could feel Minhyuk’s hand burning into his arm, his grip still very present on his arm, no matter how much he washed it long after returning home. His skin, irritated and raw tingled even as the cold air of the night hit it, attempting to sooth it. That was a comfort he didn’t deserve, and the Black Dog agreed in a low growl.

It wasn’t even the first time he had felt so trapped by Minhyuk’s grip. The man’s big hands used to be slightly softer and tinnier, but not by much, and not by Kihyun’s own ugly standard of pudgy, short fingers. But they had gripped and sub-sequentially tossed him around before.

Kihyun remembered the last time it had happened like it was yesterday. [Minhyuk’s bigger hand on his bony shoulder, gripping hard while Kihyun winced in well concealed pain.] He remembered every word the teenager Minhyuk had said to him. [“Even your shoulders have to be unpleasant! They are so bony and square, like some ugly, sad stump. Really, how are you going to repay me for the pain the had caused me? You should look around while you walk! These have to be considered a weapon!”]. And he remembered the hand had let go roughly, sending him straight to the wall, as Minhyuk kept talking and walking away without a care in the world [“At least I won’t crash into your sharp edges anymore! We are going to be free from this prison tomorrow, won’t that be just great?”]. 

What hurt the most was the blinding smile the son of a bitch had sent his way, like he was being playful with a friend, like he hadn’t called Kihyun ugly and unpleasant. Like he hand’t treated him worst than dirt for four years straight. Like he hadn’t got everything Kihyun had wished for himself in life.

Like he smiled at him today.

Kihyun shuddered, trying to suppress the memory and backed off the railing, gripping his pained arm forcefully. He didn’t trust himself anymore, nor with his memories and feelings, nor with his judgement close to potentially dangerous situations like standing close to what could be a very painful, very deathly fall from the seventh floor. 

The Black Dog barked loudly, and kept doing so for hours till the break of dawn. 

Kihyun, admitedly, didn’t sleep that night.


	4. Water and Coffee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Minhyuk is persistent. Kihyun is stubborn. But both know their history together. They both understand.
> 
> Or do they?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was hell to write, I'll tell you that dear readers.
> 
> Anyways, this conversation, artistic license aside, took place in my life some time ago, but my former bully didn't stalk me at my work, he just got my phone from a colleague and spammed my WhatsApp for days. Equally charming, if you ask (and that's, of course, sarcasm).
> 
> Please, enjoy this lighter chapter because the next one ain't going to be *nervous evil chuckle*

Episode 4 / Water and Coffee

 

“You, Yoo Kihyun-sunbae, look like death itself” deadpanned Jeonghan as he sat right besides Kihyun, watching the man working on his editing program on his computer. He wasn’t wrong in his observation: Kihyun was too tired to even put on his contacts, so between that, his disheveled hair, the impossible-to-conceal-under-eye-bags and his black ironed shirt, he truly looked like a very accurate representation of a modern grim reaper, or at least one of the real grim reaper’s sad, unflattering victims. The journalist tried to chuckle, but the sound felt more like a sob when it escaped his lips. 

“Tell me something I’m not aware of, Yoon Jeonghan-hoobae” he grunted right back, his voice heavy with sleep, and he had to suppress a yawn with a tremble “I feel like I teletransported here right out of my first finals week in college. I surely feel the same…” Jeonghan snorted.

“Well, I could, but it’ll be a terrible loss for me to tell you your collarbones and chest are getting exposed by the way to crouch. Your third button is undone, but don’t mind it! You look hot like that” supplied Jeonghan, eyebrows wiggling teasingly. 

Kihyun looked down at his chest and sighed. The shirt was a bit too big on him and the buttons tended to get undone easily by the way his body doubled itself in front of the computer. A bit red on the ears, he did them back and straightened his back, joints popping with a sickeningly satisfying sounds. 

“Don’t you have a boyfriend whose chest you could stare at?” Kihyun asked, finally.

“Yes, but he isn’t here and you have a nice chest, albeit slightly bonier, but hey, a body is a body and I like bodies” retorted the intern, flipping his hair. 

“I sometimes don’t get the youth, I really don’t” lamented the journalist “Make yourself useful and tell me, what do you think about this picture?” He asked, changing the topic. Jeonghan, thankfully, bit into it.

“I like the colors. They are vey bright. Quite the eye catcher” answered him, earnestly “What is it? Doesn’t look like the hipster stuff that usually dominates this kind of thing…”

“A food supplier for gym rats. The owner words, not mine” answered Kihyun, and the Black Dog startled him with a rumbling growl. Yeah, right, remembering that reminded him of Minhyuk and Hoseok and… yeah. About that whole fiasco. 

The Black Dog barked.

“Looks exactly like that. Like one of those cool new industrial-themed gyms. But the name is terrible.”

“Yeah, it is” he answered, trying to leave the conversations there, to rot itself into dust, but by the way Jeonghan looked at him, expectantly, he knew he had to add something else. Sighing deeply, the supplied: “but the people looked happy there” and he clicked into the groups photos he took of his former school acquittances and their costumers. 

“Maybe the food is good. I’ll tell Seungcheol, my boyfriend, about it. He is crazy about gym stuff nowadays.”

“How is he attracted to a couch potato like you? That’s beyond me”

“Says the one who has been single since, like, forever. Since I’ve met you, at least.” 

Kihyun had nothing to say about that, so he just snorted and went back into editing, dismissing Jeonghan, who hanged around for a few minutes before walking away into another’s poor over worked journalist cubicle. The young journalist sighed and looked at his article again, pasting one last picture from Monsta Health - the one with everyone smiling blindingly - to it, and he stopped, looking over at it trying to figure out if something was missing from the template or if he had any issues with the composition, but he couldn’t figure out what was missing from the whole thing. It was just… normal. Not bad, but not passionate enough to feel like he actually enjoyed the fair.

He didn’t, that’s the issue.

Forwarding it to his boss, knowing it was as good as it was going to be he looked to the pictures again, specially to the one with the three owners with their costumers, smiling. Hoseok’s smile looked just the same from their childhood, cheeks full and nose scrunching slightly. Kihyun used to love that smile, because it usually meant that Hoseok would laugh right after, and that used to be one of his favorite sounds. The Black Dog snarled, his snout revealing vicious teeth, bloodied with Kihyun’s self esteem.

He turned the computer off.

It wasn’t usual he ended his work right on time, or that he wanted the free time to be honest, but he had to do some interviews for an article about the Chamber of Commerce and some new projects they wanted to push for the city, so his boss insisted he had to take at least the evening off to do anything of his liking. The problem was that he didn’t have anything he enjoyed doing, not that moment at least. Everything was so terribly bland to him, that working was the only source of some excitement for him. That’s how sad his life was.

That’s why the Black Dog barked so much, he told himself. Because he had too much free time to do so, instead of filling the silence with activity. Yet… the barking made everything harder; harder to concentrate, harder to enjoy, so even if he tried doing anything he just… he just listened the Black Dog barking in the background. At least his job was something he had to do in order to survive. That’s how empty his life was. 

He got out of the elevator, his messenger bag filled with documents he wanted to go through in his apartment, in order to be prepared for tomorrows interviews. It should have felt heavy on his shoulders, but the weight actually kept him from giving thoughtless steps, steps that could mean a fall, a crack in the façade. He greeted the doorman, and bid him a good evening, before opening the glass door and stepping out into the brown, dull world around him. That how his life was. All in all. 

And then, a record scratched and the Black Dog flinched, growling in fiery aggression. 

“Hey! Yoo Kihyun! Nice to meet you again! ” 

Kihyun missed a step and fell to the ground, hands first. 

______________

 

Minhyuk truly never thought things through. He was a doer, not a thinker, and that reflected in the areas he excelled at: he was a great mood maker, a decent dancer and a great negotiator, also was a great troublemaker and the best match maker. Right now, thought, he was starting to contemplate the possibility of actually thinking before heading down the worst roads he could really choose for himself. He really was an expert on making things that already were shitty, shitier, and if someone thought something was bad, Minhyuk was going to reach a whole new level of abysmal just before dinner if he put his back bone into it.

Case in point: standing outside Yoo Kihyun’s job and waiting for the man to go out.

Really? Did you expect anything else? Well, he knew Hoseok, Jooheon and Changkyun did. They really wanted to be the ones to corner Kihyun on Friday, so they could talk things through, or at least use Changkyun’s presence as a triumph card and get the journalist to at least look at them. But Minhyuk just couldn’t forget. 

He couldn’t possibly forget the light sway forward. 

The light sway forward that could have pushed him into incoming traffic.

The light sway forward Kihyun was going to conceal from everyone else.

The light sway forward Minhyuk was determined to find the reasons for.

The light sway forward Minhyuk knew still was there.

So he waited. It wasn’t hard to find out Kihyun’s office hours - really, one good google search and that was it, everything was public nowadays if you tried hard enough - and if the man was doing some extra hours, he could always sweet talk the door man and get up to the journal’s floor; maybe even endear himself to some of Kihyun’s coworkers. He was good at that stuff. 

But he hadn’t actually thought about what he was going to say to the shorter male once he saw him again, and that’s the bigger issue, he realized once Kihyun’s hands hit the floor. Scrambling to get closer to the man and help him up, he also realized he was in for another defeat if he didn’t figure out how to make the man actually stay with him without running away, again. He didn’t want the third time to be a charm a for Kihyun to disappear from the face of the earth, again.

“Dude, are you ok?” He asked, truly concerned for the skinnier male. Kihyun looked up at him with a flash of panic crossing his eyes, before rage settled in. Well, that was a look he was used to from him, at least.

“What the fuck are you doing here, Lee” spatted the man, standing up so fast Minhyuk feared he was going to fall again flor whiplash, but he didn’t. His hand, probably raw and dirty, clung to the strap of his messenger bag firmly, and the tip of his ears started becoming red.

Cute.

“There’s no need to be so aggressive! I just wanted to invite you to grab a coffee. I was in the neighbourhood” 

He watched as Kihyun’s face mutated from unrelenting rage to dread just in a few seconds, and then the cool, professional smile settled in his features. To Minhyuk, that smile felt like a stab.

“Have you been stalking me? Wait, don’t answer that. The answer is still no. Have a good night, Lee-ssi” he said, plainly, and turned on his heels.

Minhyuk just walked alongside him, ready to run if needed. And to tackle. He wore his oldest pair of jeans, the kind he wouldn’t miss if they got ruined by the pavement if worst came to worst and he had stop Kihyun from running into traffic. Again.

“I’m not accepting a no as an answer sh-… Kihyun. Come one, it’s just a cup of coffee! Or maybe a beer, I think we both could use a beer, the night’s just perfect for it… come ooooon!! Say yes, please?” He whined, trying his best to sound like a kicked puppy. The man stared at him, unimpressed.

“Are you seriously begging ME to go out for a drink with YOU?” Kihyun asked, poison dripping from his voice, even if the words themselves weren’t poison “Do you realize I actually loathe your guts and never want to see you again, right?”

Well, never mind about them not being poison.

Minhyuk sighed and tried to look as apologetic as possible. Looking Kihyun straight in the eye, both halted their advance and kept holding each other’s stare for a few seconds, before he could even form a proper sentence, or his version of a proper sentence at least: 

“I know” he answered, softly “I know, and I deserve it… but… please? I won’t bother you anymore… ok no, I will, but… but I promise that if things go to bad now, I won’t, ok? Just… just please…”

Kihyun frowned deeply, his brows sharp and jaw square. Minhyuk always thought he looked very angular, specially when he was angry. It was like all the softness was drained from his otherwise pleasant features and they morphed into a very nasty, very edged snarl. When he was young, he used to call that expression “ugly”, but years had done their job into giving him new perspective. He didn’t think that snarl was ugly now. He thought it was sad. 

“Ok. But I chose the place. One cup and we are done, Lee” Kihyun finally said, jaw tense and hands still gripping the strap close to his chest. His knuckles were white, and Minhyuk was far too aware at how thin his profile looked, even in that dark Houndstooth patterned blazer. 

Resisting the urge to whoop in glee, he followed suit, hands on his pockets and smile grazing his features 

__________

 

The Black Dog was having a field trip in the back of his head, that was for damn sure. How did Lee Minhyuk, of all people, found him? Ok yeah, he gave him his business card, but between that and showing up at his job unannounced was such a deep trench, the Pacific Ocean could be jealous of it. He was truly going to believe God was plotting something against him at this rate, because he there was no way Minhyuk was stalking him without a nefarious purpose. There was no way in hell he didn’t have a hidden agenda of some sorts, and there was no way Kihyun was going to fall into it. No way in hell.

They entered the first cafeteria they saw had available seats. It wasn’t the best place, if you asked Kihyun, but at that point he just wanted everything to be done and go back home, even if home was a lonely dark place he didn’t enjoy anymore.

He watched Minhyuk carefully, how he hanged his jacket on the back of his chair without much care, letting it drape sloppily and hanging for dear life to the wood, and sat down, playing with his hands in poorly concealed nervousness. Or maybe he didn’t want to conceal it and that’s why he was being so open with his feelings, Kihyun really didn’t know better and in all honesty he didn’t know why he cared. The waiter came and took their order without much delay, given the short supply of options they actually had on the menu. 

They looked at each other, carefully, and Minhyuk opened his mouth, hesitating.

“I’m… I’m glad you are willing to listen to me, Yoo Kihyun…” he rasped, coughing awkwardly “uh, sorry. I’m nervous”

Kihyun raised an eyebrow and Minhyuk laughed.

“You still look the same you know…?” The taller male followed, tone almost nostalgic “That’s why I recognized you. Even if you hair is different and lighter and fluffier… your profile isn’t You still have that… edge? Anyways… that’s not why we are here, isn’t it? Ahm…”

“Just spit it out. You’ve never had issues with that before” cut Kihyun, tone icy. Minhyuk sighed, and looked up, somewhat hopeful, somewhat .

“I’m sorry”

Time seemed to stop and Kihyun held his breath, quietly. Minhyuk’s eyes held meaning, and power. They were vulnerable and deep, and the journalist was struggling with what he could read behind them.

“For what?”

Minhyuk didn’t miss a heartbeat.

“Everything”

The waiter came with their order and silence could be felt, heavier by the second. A cynical part of the shorter male wanted to laugh because to any stranger, they well could be lovers breaking up, given the chilly atmosphere. And, in reality, he was frozen from it too. In all his years, he never thought an apology could be something he’ll get. In reality, he knew he should have felt angry at the full on shamelessness of this… this… this asshole.

But his brain was quiet, throbbing and mushy.

The Black Dog was quiet too.

Minhyuk wiggled on his seat, hands rubbing and rustling nervously against each other, before continuing.

“I… I don’t want to make excuses, and this is not the time to apologize for… what happened when we were younger. But… I honestly I’m sorry for all of it. And I’m sorry for our past two meetings, but I really had to talk to you. I… if not for our history… for the guys. It’s fine by me if you never forgive me, it is… but please give the guys a chance… Hoseok… Jooheon… they really, really truly miss you. In that sense I also came to warn you…” he trailed off, somewhat pensive.

“Warn me?” Asked Kihyun in a soft whisper, and it was a wonder Minhyuk heard him at all.  
“They want to corner you on Friday. The same way I did. And… let’s be honest. If I do it, I’m just an asshole but I don’t want you to feel attacked then. They mean well…” 

Kihyun looked down at his untouched cup of coffee and tried hard to piece the puzzle together. He tried to recap all the events that brought them here, to this shop at eight in the evening, all the past events that collided together in a supernova clash and made Minhyuk and himself share this moment. It was quiet; cold, but sizzling with emotion and it was the most Kihyun had felt in the last few months and even then he could not react. He just tried to fit the colorful Minhyuk in the dull narrative that it was his life, and in all truth, it was like trying to fit an sphere in the place of a square. 

“I want… to be left alone. Did you tell them that?” The journalist urged, repeating words he had used before with the other.

“Do you really…?” Retorted Minhyuk, without missing a beat 

“Are you in a position to question that?” Was the answer Kihyun could give, forcing himself to dig deep down for that anger he felt for the other, but the confusion made quite difficult to reach for such feelings. 

“I saw you Kihyun. That night, I saw. You know what I saw.”

Kihyun froze, and regarded Minhyuk with a panicked stare. 

Minhyuk welcomed his panic with a pained smile.

“I think in this situation I have the right to wonder if you are ok” he added.

 

___________

 

Minhyuk could see the effect he had on the other male instantly. Had he slapped the journalist, the reaction wouldn’t have been as physical, as deep and as harsh. He didn’t want to go there in that conversation, but it was clear to him that Kihyun was struggling, and struggling hard. It was not only the weight thing - which was deeply concerning, not going to deny that -, but it was the fake mask he wore every time they had met, it was the unwillingness to accept the advances from people he clearly was still affected by, it was the dullness behind his eyes.

It was the hopelessness reflected in them.

He was aware that this whole thing could end very bad. He was unexperienced in everything regarding mental health, and he was unexperienced in everything that was interacting with Yoo Kihyun in a positive light, but he had to try. He had to try because he was not going to forgive himself if this man actually fell into traffic and he was had have this one chance to prevent it, or at least try to. He watched Kihyun take a shaky sip of his coffee, and wondered what was going inside the man’s head. Was he angry? Was he trying to find a way to deny his advances again? Was he considering his options and actually accept his truthful attempt at helping?

“Funny. That you think this is something you have the right to dig your nose into…” rasped Kihyun, finally “it’s so funny…” he muttered pensively “I don’t know if I wanna burn your face off with this coffee or if I wanna beat your ass to the next year. Anyways, I do not fancy the idea of entertaining your whims.” 

Well, that’s an imaginative answer.

“I’d rather have you accept my friendly approach, thank you very much. My face and ass are great as they are” replied Minhyuk, cheekily. 

Kihyun trembled before him, and something told him that it was because he suppressed a snort.

“‘Friendly’? With you? Please, I’d rather color my hair green, than to have to spend more time with you”

“Green ain’t your color, but you’d look hot in pink. Just sayin’” 

Kihyun gave him a nasty eye. 

“Did you stalk my social media? I thought I had deleted it all!”

“Eh? What does that have to do with the current conversation?”

Kihyun flushed in horror, and Minhyuk’s instinct for teasing flared up.

“Oh my God. You've had pink hair??? And there’s receipts of it on line???” 

He felt a kick to his shin and had to muster all his self control not to curl up against the table. But when he looked up, he saw Kihyun’s pained eyes looking down to the table, in something like remorse, but Minhyuk didn’t know if it was due to actual remorse for the attack, or something else. He had his money on something else, though.

“That’s besides the point. The point is I don’t like you and don’t wanna spend time with you OR your friends. I had enough of that in High School”

“Well, that’s why I want to make amends. That’s why I told you I’m sorry.”

“People don’t change. I still think you are a prick.”

Minhyuk sighed, aggravated. There was no way he could keep his kind, vulnerable approach when this tiny asshole was going to be this stubborn. This was the end of the rope for that strategy, and he needed a new one as soon as he could think of one. Kihyun was so deep in his own head that even if Minhyuk tried to get him to open up, it was just going to end with disaster. So, maybe if he…

“Well, that I may be, but I’m a prick that wants you in his life. Are you really that scared of liking me?”

He saw Kihyun frown and held his breath, waiting for the reaction.

“Afraid of liking you? Please, you are as unlikable as they come”

Bingo.

“That sounds like you are afraid” Minhyuk countered, sipping his coffee, carefree “like you know you will enjoy hanging out with us, and you want to keep this… whatever thing you are doing alive for as long as you can”

“What thing? What are you talking about?”

“I don’t know, what am I talking about, Yoo Kihyun?”

They stared at each other, and Minhyuk could feel the tension, the defiance. But he also gained something, he gained Kihyun’s attention, and something he had missed in their previous interactions: sincerity. There it was the same Kihyun he had met all those years ago, the kind of guy whose fierceness could be felt in waves, who was ready to jump to every challenge presented. The kind of guy Minhyuk used to make fun of because he thought those were silly traits, uncool traits. Past Minhyuk was really a prick.

But as complicated as their relationship was, Minhyuk could physically feel the others interest in his proposition, even if the motivations weren’t actually the best ones. It was a starting point. 

“You really make no sense, Lee” grunted the shorter male after a few seconds, gulping down his coffee.

“Excuse you, I make perfect sense. You are the one who is weird” he replied, smirking “admit it. You are afraid of liking me. You just don’t want to admit I’m the most likable human being in existence, and that even your sorry ass can enjoy my presence, shorty!”

The way Kihyun’s mandible snapped shut brought Minhyuk back to reality, and immediately regretted his word choice. All that progress and it went down the drain because his stupid mouth couldn’t keep itself from spewing bullshit all around. Now Kihyun was going to leave and move towns and Hoseok was going to stop being friends with him and Changkyun and Jooheon were going to write a diss track about him-…!

“What do you want from me?”

Uh?

 

____________________

 

Kihyun wanted to be furious, he wanted to stand up and leave this motherfucker there, maybe break a cup on his head, but his body refused to move. There was something in the way Minhyuk kept insisting after every rejection he had thrown his way, that ignited light he had not seen in a long while. Minhyuk brought something about him out, brought his resentment, brought his frustrations and all the loathing he felt agains himself outside and forced it to be redirected to the tall entrepreneur. He wasn’t done clinging to that feeling. 

And, somewhere deep inside, he was afraid of it.

“I don’t think I get your question…” asked Minhyuk, confused. It was a good look on him, if the petty side of Kihyun was asked; that pest had been in control of their conversation from the very beginning, so it was refreshing to change the tables and focus the interrogation on him. 

“But it’s a very simple one, Lee-ssi” he purred, the professional journalist in him cringing at the theatrical display, but he couldn’t help himself “What. Do. You. Want. From. Me? Do I have to spell it down for you to understand?”

“I just want you to meet Hoseok and Jooheon and…”

“Cut the bullshit. You approached me on your own accord. That night you came to me because you saw me at a low point. Is it pity for your old victim, Lee? Is this your ego wanting to be the hero?” He sneered.

“No! God, no! Kihyun, what the-!”

“Answer the damn question, Lee Minhyuk”

Minhyuk stilled, eyes frantic. Kihyun bathed himself in this small victory, but he wasn’t done attacking.

“Do you want to keep me alive so your conscience can be clean?”

The tall, honey-haired man deflected on his chair, running a hand over his hair, absolutely appalled. Kihyun kept his eyes trained on Minhyuk, looking for any indication the man was going to retaliate and actually harm him, but he only found the desperation of someone who was a loss for words. The journalist actually felt bad, he wasn’t malicious in nature, he hated that part of him that was mean and poisonous, and to damn unpleasant to everyone else… but right now he didn’t have it in him to hide it away. He was so tired, and Minhyuk brought old feelings back to the surface. He brought the scared, angry teenager that Kihyun so desperately hid away in the back of his mind. Guarded by the Black Dog…

The Black Dog who was silent. So silent it scared Kihyun.

“I… I just want to help…” Minhyuk laughed, still dazed “I… I admit this has to do with guilt. I feel guilty. Of what I did to… to the kids back in High School. I never thought I was harming anyone… “ he stopped himself, lips furrowing in deep thought, before proceeding “…but I know I did. I thought… I thought that if I reached out I could make amends. But… but you are Hoseok’s and Jooheon’s friend. And they miss you. They really do. And if… if I can make amends by helping them and you out… fuck, I’ll do it…”

Kihyun sighed, running a hand over his face, trying to make everything that wasn’t making any sense on his head, fit into the pieces. But as more pieces came to him, the puzzle grew bigger, and more detailed, and some pieces looked so similar between them, that even in his organized, compartmentalized brain, the limits between one piece and the other were blurring on a foggy mess. He didn’t believe Minhyuk. No one is that stupidity kind. No one is so self aware, he told himself. No one could accept his remorse so openly and look to make amends in such a honest way. It wasn’t possible, but… but then what? What could possibly Minhyuk win out off all of this? He wanted to refuse his advances once again, but the words died in the back of his throat, and the familiar pin prick of tears stung his eyes. He looked down at his coffee cup, which held one last, cold sip. 

One sip and this situation could be over.

He looked up at Minhyuk again, and found the man with both hands on his face, massaging his temples insistently. He was in clear distress, but the reason escaped him. Because his stated motivations couldn’t be truth. They couldn’t be.

If they were, Kihyun feared the Black Dog could actually kill him.

Softly, he lifted the cup and swirled the liquid around, trying hard to come up with a reasonable answer, but all reason was off the table. It never arrived to it, as sitting down with the person who made his High School experience hell was the last thing reason would have supported. 

[It was cold, early spring creeping every corner, ready to fetch any unaware victim to his clutches, even if the snow thawed days ago and the sun was making his first attempts at warming up the people down on earth. Kihyun always made sure to wear many layers, all well thought and purposeful in their mission to keep him warm but mobile. In his seventeen years of life, he regarded clothing as he regarded everything: with the conviction that everything had a place, an order.

But no well thought clothing order could safe him from bullies. 

Not when they had bottles filled with water and an evil grin on their faces.

“Come one Kihyun-ah!!! Live a little!!!” Taunted Minhyuk, his hair damp and pretty, while he blocked the way out of the school. His white shirt clung to his skin like a second layer of it, and Kihyun had to fight with himself to not stare at the toned chest more than it was socially accepted. So, no staring at all. Near them, a group of sweaty soccer players were playing with their water bottles, ignoring the cold and the uncomfortable feeling of damp clothing in favor of playing around and terrorizing everyone in the vicinity.

“For fuck’s sake, Lee. Let me through, I have to go to choir practice!” the shorter rasped, his panicked heart doing summersaults inside his ribcage. He didn’t have any dry clothes to change into if that son of a bitch got him wet and he had somewhat of a twenty to thirty minute commute to his house.

“Awww!! Are you afraid of water?? You ain’t a chick, so don’t worry! Your bra’s not going to show through!!! Or it will, don’t know what you gays are into these days!” The man argued, throwing a bit of water into Kihyun’s direction. He jumped back, and prepared a very offensive speech in his head, ready to attack Minhyuk if needed.

“Hey!! Get him!!” Someone shouted behind him and Kihyun felt himself being cornered by two very big, very wet soccer players. He had no time of reaction before one water bottle was dumped over his hair, and Minhyuk’s attack drenched his front. The water felt like ice against the fabric of his slacks, and he was sure his shoes were just as wet as the rest of him. 

The guys laughed, cheering and shoved him around, in a stupid display on macho-on-macho-acceptable-friendly-displays and Kihyun couldn’t react. The cold had him paralyzed, and he was afraid that if he reacted, this gorillas were going to kick him, in addition to his wet, miserable self.

“Wet is a great look on you, Kihyun-ah!!” Praised Minhyuk, before shrieking when another guy dumped a whole bucket load of water on him.

Kihyun was so sick the next few days, he had to miss his last Spring presentation at church, all because that prick Lee Minhyuk thought it was funny to drench him in ice cold water.]

Looking at Minhyuk right before him, Kihyun took one last gulp from his coffee cup and snapped his fingers. The man startled, and looked at him with shocked eyes.

“Look, Lee. I dislike you, very much. But I also want to see where is this whole thing going. I don’t, for a second, believe your “good intentions” or whatever you are trying to sell here, but at the same time know you are still a persistent son of a bitch. So this is what we are going to do: you are going to tell your friends we are meeting on saturday, on a place of your liking. You are going to forward me an email with the address, we are going to have this stupid meeting you are so insistent on having, and you are going to leave me alone for once and for all. Is it clear?”

Minhyuk nodded, petrified, and Kihyun used his astonishment and an opening for leaving. He dropped cash on the table, took his jacket and his bag, and left the cafe without any other word.

The Black Dog was silent the whole walk home, and even hours after that.

 

___________

 

Minhyuk, still dazed, just grabbed his phone and dialed Hoseok’s number.

“Dude, put a hold on that Friday thing. I have something to tell you…"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey! I have a twitter! join me @HellSunset


	5. The Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kihyun feels overwhelmed.
> 
> But the sound of a welcoming heart makes his judgement go haywire.
> 
> He just hopes...
> 
> And hope is everything he has left

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is not as dark as I first wrote it as, mostly because I don't want to cripple Kihyun's ability to interact at this point, nor do I want to go into in depth detail of what the Black Dog's actions mean inside of his head. I want you to be able to draw conclusions on your own! 
> 
> Also, fun fact: the footsie thing is something my group of friends do with each other when we are in uncomfortable situations. We use it both as a code and a support mechanism. The friend who invented it told us once that looks gave much away, but feet were always concealed, so we could use that as communication when talking was difficult. 
> 
> I hope you like it and enjoy this. Soon enough we are going to face a change of pace in the story!

Episode 5/ The Storm

 

 

Kihyun had many regrets, some of which were based on pretty stupid, rash decision he had taken due to his pride,. He regretted doing that solo during high school during Christmas week because he had been teased and mocked relentlessly even if everyone agreed his rendition of “All I want for Christmas is you” was amazingly performed. He also regretted that time he took bet and forced himself to make out with three guys on a club, one being a very shitty TA the next semester. Agreeing to get dinner with Minhyuk and his friends had to top them all, because the emotional distress he was in right now had to be illegal.

He hadn’t been able to keep food down for hours, and that counted soup. He just felt like every time he wanted to even put something in his mouth, the Black Dog threatened to get out clawing up his esophagus, ripping it while he climbed up. There wasn’t a doubt in his mind that this turn of events was pure masochism at this point, driven by his problematic competitive spirit; at the moment he proposed this arrangement, he was high with anger and curiosity, but as it simmered down to an unappetizing sludge, the reality of it all had hit him with the stench of rotten memories and forgotten friendships.

The only upside of this whole mess was the state of his apartment: so clean it was almost sad to stain it with his undeserving presence. He was prone to clean when he was stressed, both due to his preference of organization and order, and his anxiety kicking in and forcing him to do something it knew he was good at. If you asked Kihyun, it was the best unhealthy mechanism he could have developed, even if his hands were raw from chlorine and his nose and eyes stung. He purposefully dismissed the fact that corrosive components could also be a factor in his current indisposition, mostly because he was not going to leave his toilet unclean just because his stomach was acting up.

Either way, it was past six O’clock and he had to go now if he wanted to be on time for this reunion. Yet, the feeling of dread kept him there, on his bathroom floor hugging his torso and holding his anxiety down with deep breaths and soft rocking motions. The Black Dog was being intense, and Kihyun could almost feel sorry for the state of his mind, because he was being empathetic to a very fake, self-made, manifestation of his own issues. The Black Dog reminded him of how unworthy he was of a “good” outcome, but he was just that: the constant reminder of all his short comings. 

Dinner was going to be a bitch if the Black Dog kept barking, honestly.

It was conflicting, really. The main issue was that even if a part of him desired a reconciliation of the sorts, another part of him was afraid of the possible ramifications of that: both Hoseok and Jooheon had been so important for him, that tainting his beloved memories with the sourness of adulthood was almost unbearable. On the other hand, said memories already had been tainted long ago, by the knowledge of his own undeserving presence. Meeting with both of them made the reality of his bad choices and struggles with self worth all the more scandalous. On the other hand, there was Minhyuk, who had become apparent friends with both of them, and he couldn’t help but to feel replaced by the charming entrepreneur. But, how can you feel replaced when the fundamental role that man played in the equation was so abysmal distant from his own? Minhyuk was lighthearted mean jokes, he was heavy, dark comments. Minhyuk was fun, and had always been for everyone but Kihyun.

It just presented Kihyun with a reality he didn’t want to face for a long time. That he couldn’t control the perception people had of him when faced with his complete opposite. Even if he faked politeness and agreeableness, he couldn’t compete with someone who was naturally charismatic, and that was even more noticeable when the people he was interacting with were familiar with the person in him he wanted to destroy.

The Black Dog sneered.

He wanted to curl up in a ball and not go. But doing so was harder than to go, in reality. If he didn’t go, then it was true, what Minhyuk thought of him, what his boss, Jeonghan, hell, even what Yoongi thought of him. In that sense, not going was just the culmination of a process he didn’t want to face, the reality of the Black Dog winning. 

Taking a deep breath, he hurled again and cursed the high heavens for eleventh time that afternoon.

 

_______________

 

Jooheon was so nervous, he felt his sweaty hands curl and uncurl over his jeans, and he felt Changkyun watching him from the side, while Hyungwon rubbed Hoseok’s back up and down and Minhyuk inspected his phone obsessively. Hyunwoo was actually the only one who was acting like a sane, proper human being. Jooheon wanted to actually be a sane human being and joke around, but he just couldn’t. He couldn’t just forget all the things that brought them to this point, of Kihyun rejecting any advance in fixing their friendship for years, of Kihyun’s explosive anger and quiet smiles.

“Stop doing that or your jeans are going to go from fashion choice to fashion disaster” pointed Changkyun with a crooked smile. Hoseok snorted.

“Just like yours?” The nutritionist pointed in retaliation and Changkyun shrugged. 

“At least I bought them this way, he is ripping his right now”

“I’m nervous ok? What if he doesn’t come? It wouldn’t be out of character…” Jooheon mumbled.

To their surprise, Hyungwon sighed in annoyance.

“You give this guy so little credit, no wonder he hesitates to meet up with you”

“Baby, that was uncalled for” retorted Hoseok, curling up on himself. The tallest male just rolled his eyes. 

“I’m being truthful. Between Minhyuk being a creep and you guys acting like a dumb, dumber and dumbest, even I would have run away. He is going to come, and if he doesn’t, he isn’t worth your worry.”

Minhyuk grimaced. Jooheon didn’t know what to think about this whole ordeal, to be honest. None of them did. It was as hopeful as opening old wounds could be, and Jooheon didn’t understand what interest Minhyuk had in all of this, and it was honestly very suspicious of his motivations. Maybe Hoseok had less of an issue given they went to the same university and had the chance to talk about this issues, but to Jooheon, forgetting about Minhyuk’s relentless teasing of everyone was hard. Even harder if he thought about his former friend. 

[Jooheon didn’t understand why people didn’t like Kihyun. The guy was a bit overbearing, true, but he had always been kind and protective of him. Like an older brother. 

Church was their respite, in a way. Even if in school Kihyun tried to hide away and avoid human contact, at least from what he could see as an underclassman, in church they could interact and talk like normal people, or as normal as two teenagers could be singing in the choir. But even then, he could feel the distance Kihyun was systematically putting between himself and the rest of the world.

But church would always be their safe haven away from pricks. Or well. It had been. 

You see, for Jooheon, there’s never a problem when talented people show off his skills, specially people as talented in singing as Kihyun. The man had a VOICE, and it shone even in the most simple, most uninteresting songs and gave them color, presence. But, it was disappointing to realize other people didn’t quite see it that way; at first, Kihyun came and sang loud and proud, and even if his intensity was funny to a degree, the shy kids forced by their moms to attend church choir never made a fuss.

And then, one kid who had a brother in high school called Kihyun “the weirdo”. The “show off”. He talked about how he was mean to everyone, and acted all superior and grown up just so adults like him. That he probably did something to the choir director for him to give him the solos. 

Jooheon was terrified at how fast those rumors were taken as truth. 

At first, it was just whispers in the dark. Then, the other kids started to get annoyed, specially if the choir director chose Kihyun to do the solo In Christ Alone, again. Sure, that pissed him off too, but he let it slide because the guy could really sing - and he saw just how much practice and passion he put on it in their guitar sessions back home - and all the old ladies loved the show whenever he belted his high notes. Anyways, it took him a while to realize Kihyun didn’t have friends in choir either, but when he did, he felt just how much envy could do to a person.

It was a normal day, really. Kihyun had been sick for a while and his voice was raspy and a bit out of tune, as voices could be after long periods of time, so he held back a lot. The choir director was disappointed but understanding, so he assigned the solo to another singer for the time being. Everything was smooth and coming together, and Kihyun could rest his throat all the while giving the new main singer pointers. These, Jooheon learnt afterwards, weren’t welcomed, not at all.

He was drinking his water while the group disseminated into their cliques, and Kihyun excused himself for a bathroom trip, leaving Jooheon alone to listen.

And oh boy he did listen.

“Maybe we should toss him into the river more often… my brother told me Minhyukkie-hyung did a number on him the other day!” he heard someone sneer.

“That will teach him not to show off!” he heard another.

Jooheon was paralyzed. He didn’t know what to make of it all and felt quite lost in between his anger and shame, because, in a way, he also thought Kihyun was annoying. Annoying because he was good and he wanted to be as good. Annoying because people treated him weird because he was friends with him. Annoying because Kihyun could get aggressive.

“Shhh! His friend can hear you!”

“He should. That way he’ll know who will benefit him the most.”

Fourteen year old Jooheon wanted to cry.

And that was the beginning of the end.]

“He is going to come. I know he is”

Changkyun sighed, and let his head fall into Jooheon’s shoulder. That brought him back to the present conversation and watched Minhyuk attentively. Yes, he still remembered every time the man’s name was tossed around in his teens. He was the queen of high school, despite being a man. The funny jester who had everyone on the back of his hand… and then he actually met the guy and talked to him. He was a regular person, insecure as anyone, not malicious in nature, but very unaware of his surroundings. Very unaware on the effect of his actions. That made everything all the more confusing for him… why would Kihyun follow Minhyuk but not answer their messages for years? Why was Minhyuk so invested? Did Kihyun have anything over Monsta Health? Or did Minhyuk have something over Kihyun? 

“Well, either way I’m hungry. Can we order?”

“Kihyun will hit you” warned Hoseok “he is very proper. He’s like us to wait for him.”

“Social rules are for noobs!” Complained the youngest and Minhyuk laughed.

“I think we should order something big, like… to share… for everyone. That way he can join in and chose what to eat.” Proposed Hyunwoo and Minhyuk nodded.

“Yeah, that sounds good! Everyone liked Samgyeopsal!”

Hoseol shrugged.

“Kihyun liked chicken when we were kids”

“Well fuck, fried chicken on the side too”

“Do they sell fried chicken here?”

“I mean, they have too? Is Korean food…”

“Let’s ask the ahjumm-“

“Sorry I’m late”

Six heads looked up in unison, as the newcomer bowed his head slightly and looked at them. Jooheon had just a second to take in Kihyun’s aspect before Changkyun jumped out of the booth and crushed the man into his arms. Kihyun was about the same height as their youngest, but his frame was all too tiny in comparison, and he looked pale. His hair was still damp enough to be seen as such, probably from a shower he took not long ago, and his hands clung to Changkyun’s sides. If they were pushing him away or against him, Jooheon couldn’t tell.

He exchanged a look with Hoseok, both paralyzed in fear, and it took a nudge from Minhyuk to make Jooheon actually get out of the booth to greet the older male. He could hear Changkyun talking, excited, hands still on Kihyun’s shoulders, and the man himself was smiling, tiny and shocked, but smiling nonetheless. He bowed and Kihyun gave him the same respects, before giving each other a curt handshake. 

“Did you like the surprise?” Asked Jooheon, finally. Kihyun looked at him and for a second, he forgot how to breath. 

“I… I’m still a bit baffled, to be honest” the man answered, eyes darting round in confusion.

“Do you see why I was so insistent?? You have to listen to me!” Exclaimed Minhyuk, trying his hardest to sound offended. Kihyun gave him an empty look, and rolled his eyes, after a few seconds of deadpan staring.

“I’m happy to see you well, Changkyun” said the journalist, finally, and the rapper smiled fully.

“Me too!”

Jooheon stepped aside, to let Hoseok go out of the booth. The bulky male stared Kihyun for a bit, and the smile on the shorter male wavered a bit, still frozen in place. Hyungwon groaned from behind them and nudged his boyfriend away.

“Nice to meet you, I’m Chae Hyungwon, part time model, part time student and the useless lump of muscle’s boyfriend” he introduced himself, offering his hand. Kihyun took it, almost robotically and Jooheon just could suppress a snort so well. The height difference was just too striking to miss it. He could see Minhyuk biting his lip, trying not to laugh as well.

“Yoo Kihyun. Journalist. You were in a summer campaign for Charm, weren’t you?” 

“That’s me, yeah” 

“We covered that issue. I was the replacement editor for that article”

Minhyuk snorted loudly before Hyungwon could answer.

“Can you bring the conversation to the table? We are feeling lonely here!!”

Jooheon looked at Hoseok, whose hands were nervously clasped behind his back. He looked so vulnerable and tiny, even if he could, arguably, wrestle the six of them into the ground without much trouble - and arguably, because they had Hyunwoon in the team. Kihyun grimaced slightly and with the same stiff motions he had been giving them, he offered his hand to Hoseok. The poor giant looked to spooked, he could be mistaken for a wandering spirit and not a full grown man.

“Kihyun… eh… nice to meet you… again?” He greeted clumsily.

“Likewise” 

Jooheon was no expert in body language, nor was he an expert in reading the atmosphere, but even he could tell it was so awkward, any of them could drown in their own nervousness. He opted for going inside the booth, and Hoseok followed suit. Hyungwon was the next, still annoyed by the whole situation and his boyfriend attitude, most likely. Changkyun was the next, and Kihyun seated next to him, and right in front of Minhyuk, who was smiling like a hyena.

Oh boy, this was going to end badly, he just could tell.

 

____________

 

“So, I hope you like Samgyeopsal. We were going to order that and fried chicken. Anything else?” Asked Minhyuk, analyzing Kihyun in front of him. Besides the obvious amount of make up and the gauntly look in his eyes, he couldn’t tell how the male was feeling, and he had the idea neither could him. Maybe it was a dick move, but Changkyun had been their triumph card in all this scheme. Even if things got awkward with the rest, they could count on the young rapper to keep the male from running away. As far as Minhyuk knew, Changkyun didn’t have any uncomfortable history with Kihyun, so he could be counted as a reason not to go and leave them. It could be seen as plotting, but Minhyuk was all for this meeting to be a success, and if he had to use Changkyun and his charms to lure Kihyun in, well, he was going to exploit it.

“I’m fine. I think I came down with something yesterday, so I’m not eating much today…” the male answered, his gaze unwavering even if Hoseok was still drilling holes into the side of his head and Jooheon was hiding his on the phone. 

Minhyuk tried not to frown, and covered it with a smirk as well as he could.

“You won’t be able to say that once you smell ahjumma’s food. She is a blessing in the flesh. Well, her dished are!” 

“She is great” agreed Hyungwon, elbowing Hoseok wight on the shoulder “Hoseok learned a lot from her”

“Ah? Ah! yeah, I did. She taught me how to cook…” he supplied, still fidgety and soft spoken.

Kihyun nodded.

“Well, that explains your business choices…” conceded the man. Minhyuk nodded enthusiastically. 

“Yup! And Hyunwoo here is a chef.” He said, signaling at his friend, who bowed his head at Kihyun, who in turn returned the gesture “So, between the both of them, we have a very interesting array of food! You should write an article just on us and how great we are going to be! Food is just the beginning anyways, we want to have a wellness empire!”

Kihyun snorted, and Minhyuk could count that as a win. Talking about business apparently kept the journalist comfortable enough. Yeah, not. The ahjumma came around to take their order, and cooed over Kihyun for a minute too long, pointing out his bony shoulders and slim wrists, and assured them she was going to bring over a feast. Changkyun cheered, and Hyunwoo smiled thankfully, but Kihyun had all but frozen. And, how could he not if Hoseok was being a creep and Jooheon was sulking? Honestly, subtlety was neither’s strong point. 

The silence that followed was soft, but telling. How could they go on with the conversation without making it weird? Minhyuk had many subjects he could bring up, but in the end they couldn’t avoid the elephant in the room. Or the mouse, given Kihyun’s former nickname. Or well, the nickname… agh, you know what? You get the point. 

Then, Kihyun coughed, raspy and low. All six heads looked at him, startled.

“I’d like to address the subject that’s making this whole ordeal so uncomfortable, if you let me.” He requested, voice straight and face void of any strong emotion. It wasn’t quite his professional mask, but it was close. Minhyuk felt Hyunwoo cringe besides him, but he couldn’t take his eyes away from Kihyun, given the case the shorter male made a run for it. 

Hyungwon was the one to speak next.

“Are you sure you want to spoil dinner that hasn’t even arrived?” He asked, sarcasm dripping from his lips and Minhyuk wanted to bang his head against the table. He didn’t need Hyungwon’s snark at that moment, thank you very much, bean pole.

“Well, you’ll enjoy your food if we settle this matter in a respectful way” the shorter male answered, matter of factly. 

“Are you talking like you are not going to enjoy dinner with us?”

Kihyun kept silent and that was more telling than any answer he could have provided. Minhyuk prayed to every god he rejected things didn’t go out of hand.

“Why didn’t you answer our facebook messages?” Asked Hoseok, his voice strained, dripping with emotion.

“Because I’m against reconnecting with former acquittances. I’m here to make that part clear. I’ve made that clear to him” Kihyun pointed his fingers at Minhyuk, and the male just could feel Jooheon’s eyes burning his head off “but he is far too stubborn and far too annoying to even understand proper requests” he added, and he fixed his eyes on the entrepreneur. 

Minhyuk forced a smile and stretched his right leg to rub the side of Kihyun’s left. The man tensed underneath the movement, but didn’t pull away, so Minhyuk kept his foot there. 

“Mah, it’s takes one to meet one, I’d say!” He provoked, and could see how the shorter’s ears got slightly pink. He felt Hyunwoo’s hand on his thigh, squeezing it in warning.

“You are annoying and I despise you” the man said, deadpan. Hyungwon snorted.

But it was Changkyun who followed.

“Well, you don’t have to keep contact, but we can still enjoy this dinner together and talk about stuff. Did you know I’m a music producer now? I work with Jooheon at Starship, so I’m staying for good in Seoul.”

Kihyun looked somewhat taken aback. It was like his whole façade broke down and rebuilt itself in a matter of seconds, and Minhyuk was thankful for Changkyun’s intervention, because Hoseok and Jooheon couldn’t be trusted with proper conversation and Hyungwon was a dick. Ah! And Hyunwoo was awkward as fuck when he wasn’t comfortable. 

Kihyun nodded, and pushed Minhyuk’s leg away. 

“Oh? What kind of music are you producing? Would you grant us an interview?” Asked Kihyun, a professional cheeky smile on his lips.

Minhyuk pressed back.

“Ah, mostly I help rappers write lyrics and the such, and keep Jooheonnie on going too alternative with his music. This guy can make some tripp-y shit! And I don’t know if the company would like that, but give me your card and I’ll give you mine and we can talk business” Minhyuk wanted to cry in pride. That kid was so fucking smooth.

Kihyun shoved him away.

“Hey! My music is good! You are the tone deaf one that can’t appreciate my vision!” Protested the other rapper, giving Changkyun a light shove. The youngest blowed him a kiss in return and Hyunwoo snorted.

Minhyuk pressed back, and ran his foot along the side of Kihyun’s calf. 

“Was the music at the event produced by you?” asked the man, his voice strained. Changkyun smiled.

“Yup. We made a whole set for this guys”

Kihyun shoved his leg with more force. Minhyuk knew his leg would be bruised tomorrow, but he pressed on.

“It was good. I liked how chill they were. And the rap in the… one that said ‘rhythm’ a lot. I liked it”

Kihyun kicked him.

“Did you really? Like it?” Asked Jooheon, sheepishly, hopeful.

Minhyuk put his foot over Kihyun’s shoes.

“Yes. I did. Your voice has matured a lot, Jooheon-ah. I take the other rapper was you Changkyun-ah?”

Kihyun put his foot over Minhyuk’s and pressed.

“Yup! I’m happy you liked it! Do you still sing?”

Minhyuk felt Kihyun freeze, so he kept his foot were it was.

“……. No, not anymore. That was just a passing hobby”

And the atmosphere dropped again. Goddamnit, why couldn’t good things last? Kihyun curled his legs inward into the booth, cutting the whole footsie thing and he felt like the good start they had was slipping away and he needed a new plan.

“Well, if you ever want to do dumb shit with your voice, this guy’s have a full studio in their apartment. You could give it a try” proposed Hyunwoo, out of nowhere and Minhyuk had to whip his head to the side to gape at him in shocked stupor “I mean, they have footage of Hoseok singing while on a pineapple costume. I’m sure they can record you in a semi respectable situation”

“It was ONE time!!” Protested Hoseok, and Hyngwon doubled over, laughing. 

“And one time is enough to enough to make it iconic”

Kihyun bit his lower lip softly and Minhyuk watched him intently, trying to read what was going on, but he was still suffering from whiplash due to Hyunwoo’s unexpected intervention. Was he trying to suppress a grin? Was he trying to suppress a grimace? He needed answers to this important questions!!

“And we have video games. We have a whole Sim Town full of sociopaths, courtesy of Minhyuk there” added Changkyun “every time he comes over, the city gets a bit more fucked up”

Minhyuk actually felt offended. But before he could retort, the food arrived. The whole table was covered in food in less than a minute and Hyunwoo just picked one strip o pork and went at it, without a care in the world. Hoseok followed suit, picking at the food with much enthusiasm. 

Kihyun, however, kept to himself, in silence. He picked his chopsticks, and made a move to pick some pickled cucumbers, slowly and pensively. Minhyuk was utterly disgusted. 

“Do you like that stuff?” 

Kihyun looked taken aback, and very confused. Hoseok snorted.

“Everyone but you do, Hyukkie”

“You don’t like cucumbers?” Asked the shortest male, looking straight at him.

“That thing is a replica of the devil’s dick. And I don’t say no to dick, but that one is evil” he answered, deadpan. To his surprise, Kihyun snorted and began laughing quietly. 

He exchanged a look with Hoseok, and both smiled.

 

____________

 

That was the most ridiculous situation he was ever in, Kihyun thought to himself while he put some pickled cucumbers inside his mouth. Minhyuk actually started rambling about evil penises and how cucumber was the culmination of everything that was wrong with the world. Hoseok in turn, countered that Minhyuk WAS the devil, so he couldn’t possibly hate his own creation. It was a very weird, very asinine turn in the conversation, but Kihyun found himself entertained by the whole silliness of it all. But he knew that the awkwardness was still present, and he feared it’s possible dissipation. That would mean he still craved their contact, he still wanted them near. And Kihyun didn’t want anyone around to hear his Black Dog’s howls in the death of night. But, between his own issues and the atmosphere, he felt peace. It almost felt comfortable. 

Almost.

The Black Dog was sneering on the back of his mind, clawing down at the flesh of his brain with restrained force. It was like he was holding back, waiting for the moment to pounce, and that made him anxious. More anxious that he already felt by being there. But he got distracted quite often, and couldn’t analyze the Black Dog’s actions with the thoroughness he was accustomed to. It could be a question from Hoseok’s boyfriend about his job, a nudge from Changkyun asking to pass him some side dish or another, or some remark from the stoic Hyunwoo about the nutritional benefits of actually forgetting the diet from time to time. The stimuli were many and erratic, and he couldn’t keep up with everything that was going on if not directly addressed.

And then, Jooheon got sauce on the side of his mouth and Kihyun’s brain went into overdrive.

“Ahh… Jooheon-ah, watch out or you are going to spill that all over you shirt” he chastised, like he would, a lifetime ago.

Without much thought, he took a napkin and folded it carefully, before leaning over Changkyun, his right hand squeezing the youngest’s shoulder and, with careful, caring motions, he cleaned the side of the blond’s rapper mouth. It felt so natural - he had done so many times in his lifetime, when they were kids - that he didn’t actually process the whole situation for a few seconds. He heard Minhyuk drop his chopsticks and felt how his neck grew warm fast enough to make him dizzy. 

The Black Dog roared inside his mind, and he felt sick to his heart.

“Excuse me for a second” he rasped, and stood up, going straight for the next bathroom.

 

________________

 

Minhyuk watched as Kihyun stood up, his face blank and neck flushed, and almost made an attempt to follow the guy to the bathroom. Hyunwoo, however, kept him still with a hand on his arm.

“Let him go sort himself out. He is already overtaken enough.” He said, and Minhyuk tried his best not to pout. 

The table got eerily silent for a few seconds, before Changkyun broke it with his deep, melodic voice.

“You were right, Minhyukkie-hyung. Kihyun-hyung is not ok”

“He is too thin” added Hoseok, but Changkyun shook his head, softly.

“That’s not the most worrisome part”

Minhyuk pursed his lips, and answered:

“I know” 

Hoseok drew a breath, very confused, and Jooheon furrowed his brows deeply, trying to make sense of the whole situation.

“But… he still cares. I still remember how he used to say the same thing to me when I was a brat! He still cares”

Changkyun sighed, but Hyungwon beat him to it when he wanted to reply.

“He is very, very withdrawn. He looks like a very scared mouse”

“Watch out, he could cut you in your sleep” mumbled Hoseok, nudging his boyfriend, who in return rolled his eyes.

“Rats can be very aggressive and protective” said Changkyun “they are actually very gregarious, just like humans, and have akin reactions to stimuli”

“I’m thankful for your science knowledge, Kkukung, I really am, but what’s your point?” Asked Jooheon, still baffled.

“My point is Kihyun-hyung has issues he is trying hard to hide. This whole time his brain was not just “here” with us. He is afraid of us, guys. He only was distracted enough to interact because Minhyuk-hyung kept playing footsie with him the whole time.”

Minhyuk blushed when he felt six pairs of eyes on him, judging hard.

“Really, Minhyukkie? Footsie?” Asked Hyunwoo, slapping his forehead.

“What?? It helped! He could attack me AND talk!”

“Footsie is like, third date shit. Oh, wait. This IS your third date. Well, follow through then” snickered Hyungwon.

“This aren’t dates and I’m just trying to help the guy, please keep your poison right were it belongs, snake”

Hyungwon just flipped his imaginary hair. Hoseok sighed.

“Go to him, Minhyukkie”

That took him off guard.

“What?”

“The Kihyun I knew disliked being alone when he was feeling down. If he is freaking out, he needs someone with courage enough to face his wrath. You have always been the one that could take it without getting offended or discouraged. If me or Jooheon go, than he is going to reject us again. And I’m sure he doesn’t want Kkukunggie to see him like that…” 

Minhyuk looked over at Hyunwoo, who scratched his head in confusion, but made no move to hold him back. Grimacing, he stood up and went slowly in the direction of the bathroom.

 

_______________

 

The Black Dog was so loud he could think or see. It was like the only thing he could put effort on was focusing in his blood curling howls, and he felt like prey for his own mind. The Black Dog was violently trashing around, viciously ripping at the lining of his skull, and no cold water over his head or pressure on his eyes could make him stop.

How much he wished he could make him stop.

This whole thing was a mistake. He knew that. They were better off without him, they had lives they enjoyed and meaningful history together. They had memories and shared them without the veil of shame or darkness; the kind of veil he put over everything. That sickening brown veil of dullness and pain he ruined everything with. The same veil Yoongi couldn’t compete against and forced him to leave, the same veil he had covered his family with and forced so much pain and tension in the core of what it should have been his safe place. The same veil he buried his teenager memories with. 

The same veil Minhyuk insisted on rising to shreds with his insisting touching and humor.

He felt himself hurl. 

His breaths were short and fast and was afraid that if anyone came in, they would see him. What if they end u being potential business partners? What if his boss was there in that restaurant? What if any other colleague was just enjoying his time there and his presence was going to ruin everything for them? No one deserved the howl’s of the Black Dog interrupting their leisure time like it crushed his on a daily basis. 

The Black Dog was making so much noise, So much of a mess. It had to stop. It had to stop. It had to stop of he was going to go mad.

And then he felt the presence of a person beside him. He tried to listen to what they were saying, but the overbearing noise of the Black Dog made it an imposible task. He clung to his hair, trying hard to force the blasted thing to stop howling so he could listen. And then, he felt a hand on his shoulder and the whole thing just halted. The silence was deafening. 

“Can I touch you? Please let me touch you Kihyun-ah. Please” he heard someone say as the hand on his shoulder hovered over it, almost delicate. Almost afraid.

Kihyun looked up.

Minhyuk was there, his face the image of concern and worry. He was there, freaking out in front of the person he hated the most, and that just added to the whole turmoil inside his head. But there was no noise, no overly powerful howls that drove him into early insanity. It was just Minhyuk’s soft cooing noises and his ragged breath. 

“Breath with me. Here…” he took his smaller hand into his and pressed it to his chest. He struggled weakly to get it away, but Minhyuk kept him there with delicate force “please Kihyun-ah, breath with me. Just like this… one…”

The Black Dog tried to bark, but the feel of Minhyuk’s heart thumping inside his ribcage made it imposible to concentrate on his tantrum. Slowly and steady were the breaths Minhyuk was taking, one at a time, holding it for a few second before releasing them with a soft whisper. With a promise of tranquility.

“Do you want me to take you home, Kihyun-ah? Do you want to get out of here?” The man asked softly, and Kihyun could not look away from his deep dark eyes filled with concern. But he could not see, he could not trust. It was ill advised to do so, more with people like Minhyuk who use everyone for their own entertainment. He could not trust Minhyuk. He shouldn’t trust Minhyuk.

“Please. Take me home”


	6. Vulnerability

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Minhyuk and Kihyun talk in earnest for the first time. 
> 
> Vulnerability had never tasted so stale and sweet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was already halfway done and part of the previous one, but I didn't want to post a monster of a chapter, so two it is, even if this one is slightly shorter and basically pure dialog. I think it was needed before jumping into actually work on Kihyun's issues and Minhyuk involvement in his life. 
> 
> You could say that this is the end of the Introduction arc of this fic, and now we are going into the serious development of their relationships. 
> 
> Expect a lot of interactions between the characters. And rest assured, expect other kind of developments too *wink wink*
> 
> Not joking tho... I don't know if I should keep this PG or actually incur into more intimate aspects of how a relationship develops, tell me what you think :)
> 
> See ya and hope you enjoy!!

Episode 6 / Vulnerability 

 

[Minhyuk prided himself in being cheerful and positive. He enjoyed making people laugh, sunny days and the sounds of the world around him. But he wasn’t gullible, and sure as hell wasn’t he easy to impress. His simple enjoyments in life were only a tiny manifestation of how he wanted to live it, and how he wanted to navigate situations, specially regarding human interaction and his desire to have friends and enjoy every moment. Of course, he never quite verbalized his thought process, mostly because it was silly: he wanted immediate joy and entertainment, so what was the point of questioning the reason he did the stuff he did? Most people had fun with him around, and most people wanted him to keep going on making silly jokes and instigating dumb competitions. 

High School was actually a fun place to be, if you didn’t count actually attending to class - not that he paid attention anyways - and the occasional unbearable teacher. He had classmates, he had company, his friends and lot’s of stuff to do aside from assignments and homework, and he had the potential opportunity of inviting someone over to his house and spend the afternoon playing video games or watching tv. All in all, it was a good life.

That’s why he couldn’t comprehend how people didn’t find joy in that life.

Case in point: Yoo Kihyun. They were only nine days apart, so that should have made them instant friends, but the short male was so boring and distant, that no matter what he did, every effort in befriending him had gone to waste. The guy was just too antipathetic and sour, not even Minhyuk in all his positive outlook could find a redeeming quality in his angry disposition. Sure, he was perfectly pleasant to teachers and administrative staff, and did amazing in class most of the time, even gym, but there was something about the way he interacted with the rest of them that ticked him the wrong way. He was so snarky and prone to nag about everything! It was like having another mom in the classroom, minus the kind lovable disposition moms inherently had in Minhyuk’s eyes. 

Where Minhyuk was positive, Kihyun was negative. Where Minhyuk could make any situation flow with rhytmical entertainment, Kihyun dampened the conversation with a cynic outlook and harsh words. Even so, Minhyuk was fascinated.

Why, you may ask? Because the guy was also charming in his own way. He always made a valid point, even if it was boring to take his advice, he always was through with the planing of any class activity and his insults were actually funny once you stopped taking them to heart. And Minhyuk hardly took anything to heart, and found a source of unplanned comedy in the short male: his reactions were precious and oh so interesting! He got red all over, he sputtered indignant and actually tried to punch people with his tiny fists like he actually could damage anyone with them. 

So, if he could steal a book from his hands and use his height as leverage, or if he could make fun of the seriousness he looked everything from, Minhyuk was going to do it. Because it wasn’t something serious. It was harvesting fun. Everyone had fun by making fun of each other, even Yoo Kihyun!

Right?]

 

_______________

 

Kihyun’s apartment was spotless and smelt of industrial cleaner. Both things were very noticeable for Minyuk once they got inside after a very awkward cab ride, even if his nose suffered from the disagreeable smell from the taxi. Surely the driver made all he could to keep the poor thing clean, but there’s just so much you can do when you have passengers coming in and going off your car for hours a day in various states of cleanliness. Kihyun’s apartment had none of it. Just a row of very organized shoes, a coat rack that almost looked fake from the state of the clothes hanged there - really, did the guy iron his jackets too?? - and shiny floors that would have made his sneakers squeak if he had gone inside with them. 

But there were some telling stuff from the way the apartment was set: Kihyun had no spare slippers, so it was probable he had no one over regularly, if ever; he had no pets, if the lack of fur and noise were anything to get by; even if it was tiny, there wasn’t much furniture or decoration to fill the space, so it would have looked brand new if it weren’t for the fact that Kihyun looked so comfortable navigating every nook and cranny, looking for spare mugs and setting the kettle to boil. Minhyuk stood in the center of it all, taking in anything that could signal him anyone lived there, but it just looked like a slightly bigger standard college dorm you just moved into and had yet to decorate. 

“How long have you lived here?” He asked nonchalantly, and he heard Kihyun startle, it the rattling of metal spoons was telling enough.

“For… about a year and a half? Yeah, something like that…” answered the man, absentmindedly “Why do you ask?”

“It looks as empty as your sense of humor, dude” 

Kihyun had no reply for that, so Minhyuk was faced with the silence once again. The apartment was so cold, too. Like the central heating system had never been activated, and even if the kitchen looked livelier that the rest of the apartment - hell, there was a dish rack that had some used plates and chopsticks drying on the side, and a well used kitchen rag hanging on the side wall - it gave away no heat. 

“You need, like… pillows, and blankets… oh! And a rug. Rugs are pretty!” 

Kihyun snorted.

“Rugs are messy, and a hell to clean”

“‘Rugs… are messy’… seriously? That’s your apprehension? That they are hard to clean? Why would you anyways?”

Kihyun’s disgusted face gave him all the answer he needed, but the man chose to answer verbally as well. 

“Mites. And dust. And, god forbid, stains. All of those are reason enough to clean rugs, man”

Minhyuk had the decency to blush and scratched the bak of his head.

“The rug in my room is going to give you nightmares then… it has-!”

“I don’t wanna know. I’ve already thrown up enough for a day” the journalist warned, and Minhyuk’s jaw shut down with a loud clack. He didn’t want to be the one to bring up the topic once again, but as Kihyun was the one introducing the topic, he took a chance:

“Does that happen often?”

Kihyun shook his head, slowly.

“Just when I’m stressed”

“We stress you?”

“Didn’t I make that clear many times before, Lee Minhyuk?” The shorter male retorted, fixing each a cup of tea. Minhyuk grabbed his mug, pensively, but was interrupted by Kihyun again: “Go back. Your friends are going to miss you”

Minhyuk pursed his lips.

“Nah, they understand”

“Understand what?”

“That I want to be here with you right now”

The face Kihyun pulled was straight painful, and Minhyuk had to work a nerve for everything that was to come. 

“I don’t want you here with me. Finish your tea and go” he muttered, taking a sip of his tea, even if it clearly was hotter than hell at the moment. 

“Well, I want to be here, so tough luck, shorty” replied Minhyuk, blowing the top layer of water softly, careful not to spill anything.

“Stop calling me that!”

“I thought it was endearing”

“It’s not!”

“No… not now…” said the man, looking at Kihyun in the eye “I thought it was a funny, cute nickname. Just like ‘Hamster’… I thought it was cute, not… malicious. Sorry if it was.”

Kihyun seethed.

“You are so shameless. Are you trying to fish for forgiveness when I can’t even process what’s going on??”

“If you are okay enough to be angry, then you know what’s going on… just saying…” mumbled Minhyuk. Kihyun let his mug collide forcefully with the table, and Minhyuk feared it would break, but it didn’t.

“Finish your tea, and go. Preferably to a place I’m never seeing you again.”

“I don’t wanna do that. I wanna stay” 

“Why the fuck are you so pushy????”

“Because right now, you need someone to be that’s not afraid to face your unabashed wrath. And that’s me. Though you could have had Hoseok, Jooheon or even Changkyun to do this, but no. You chose me in the end.”

Kihyun watched him emptily and Minhyuk watched in horror as he collapsed into the kitchen’s floor, sliding down. Going round the small kitchen counter, he found the guy sitting on the floor, his head softly hitting the built in cabinet doors. Minhyuk crouched besides him, softly sighing.

“Please just go. I just wanna live in peace” the journalist begged softly. 

“Talk to me, Kihyun. I can… I can try to understand. To help you. I’m not doing this because of redemption or anything like that… you… you scare me. I don’t wanna get a message… and… and know I could have helped…”

Kihyun looked him straight in the eye with a void stare, his whole body sagging against the door. His brown eyes were the reflection of pure desperation, even if the reflected no real emotion. 

“Can you make it stop? The howling?”

 

__________

 

That was the stupidest question he had ever asked. Specially because it was an invitation to talk about something very personal, very hard to put into words, and very shameful. He was so afraid of actually leaping into Minhyuk’s apparent disposition at helping out, that he regretted asking the question from the moment they crossed paths days ago, even if at the time he didn’t know thing were going to be like this. Hell, he regretted it since birth, probably.

But Minhyuk just frowned slightly, in confusion, and didn’t ask any questions.

“Do you think I can?” He asked, and that was the first time anyone - honorable mention to the last person he had introduced the issue to, Yoongi, who had said the metaphor of “Black Dog” was the emo-eest thing he had heard since 2005 - had given him anything other that incredulity. And Yoongi had been very kind, don’t get him wrong, but he had his own demons to fight off. But Minhyuk just sat there and asked him if he thought he could do it. He was willing to try, at least. Or that’s what Kihyun got from the exchange.

“No one had ever been able to” he answered, truthful.

Minhyuk seated right in front of him, his long legs on either side of him, giving the crowded space, and pondered.

“I’ve always been good with dogs. I trained and loved mine quite well, mind you. She is the most perfect poodle you would ever see and… point is, I’m good with dogs”

Kihyun looked at him like he had grown two heads and gotten a sudden green rash or something, because that was, arguably, the worst answer anyone could have given him. But it also was the best, because it was just so innocent and bashful. Kihyun believed Minhyuk truly thought he could help, even from a position so contradictory as his was. 

“Why are you like this?”

“Like what?”

“Like you truly care about me”

Minhyuk sighed, and he too thumped his head against the opposite kitchen cabinet door.

“Do you listen to people when they talk? I already told you. I care. You can be a dick and care about people who struggle too, you know? They are not mutually exclusive”

“Eh, I’m not sure about that to be honest” answered Kihyun.

“Okay, maybe they are. That would mean I’m not that big of an asshole thought. Are you okay with that? Because I’m not”

Kihyun was confused,

“Why not?”

“Because I was. Or am, in your eyes. I’ve done a lot of work on myself, ok? But when I see you looking at me, it’s like High School all over again. You looking at me with disdain and me trying hard to get you to react”

Kihyun fell silent for a few moments and tried hard to process the information he was faced with at the moment. The Black Dog was eerily silent, or as he usually was when Minhyuk was involved, and that made him fear he had developed an unhealthy dependence on the man. He was more afraid of that, that living the rest of his days with a vicious dog inside his head.

“That was what it was? You trying to get me to react”

“I was a dumb kid, Kihyun. That’s not an excuse, mind you, just facts. I thought the seriousness you had for everything was funny because only stuffy math teachers were like that. Or history teachers, those were worst and couldn’t get any joke, seriously… you remember miss…? Sorry, side track… eh.. Point is, yes… I wanted to see you react because it was entertaining. Like a cartoon, but it was real life. I never thought I could harm anyone with my dumb shit before Hoseok laid it to me loud and clear in college. I’ve been meaning to contact you and apologize ever since, but you got all your social media dead as fuck, or impersonal as fuck. Fuck is always involved anyways… argh, sorry, side track again…”

Kihyun snorted.

“You were always like that in presentations too. You could only focus in drama class…” he mumbled, sheepish. 

Minhyuk grinned, nudging him with his foot.

“Because drama was fun. I like fun”

Kihyun sighed, not knowing what to make of it all. Should he cling to such and ephemeral hope? Should he trust this guy and accept his help, knowing he would most likely fail like anyone else he had trusted with his deepest demons? Had he another chance to give in him? And to him, nonetheless? 

“There’s… something. Always in the back of my head. It… it… I call it the ‘Black Dog’… I know most people call it a voice reminding them they are worthless or something like that… I’m… I’m not like that. I just have this thing making it impossible for me to enjoy anything. I… after everything that happened in High School I made the conscious choice of… being less intense… but the less intense I am outside, the more intense this thing is inside. I’ve been meaning to get help but if I ever try, this thing just rips my head open and fucks up any motivation I could muster… in the end I learnt to live with it… but it’s been getting to me. It’s worst. Today has been a nightmare.”

Minhyuk just listened as he opened his heart, without uttering a word, his feet still as death besides him, and the sound of the night bathing them in the warm atmosphere of the apartment. The Black Dog was growling, but Kihyun needed to get it out. He needed Minhyuk to listen.

“When… when we met that night I was going back from yet another failure at going to a therapist. I felt hopeless. I don’t wanna die. I don’t think I want to, not consciously at least… but the desire to make it stop gets to me sometimes. And then… And then you came around and I’m sure it is as confused as I am with this whole thing. So it has two reactions: either ripping my skull open and clawing at my throat or staying quiet. Sometimes it growls, that’s most days. Just a friendly reminder he is still there. That he has control over me. I’m… I’m just tired…”

Minhyuk opened his mouth to say something, but the closed it and resorted on caressing Kihyun’s arm with his socked foot. It should have been disgusting, but given the fact the man had done the same thing before at the restaurant, he supposed he could stand it a bit longer. The Black Dog didn’t agree, but he chose to suck it up.

“And… Hoseok and Jooheon… I… it’s my fault we aren’t friends anymore. Hoseok got other friends and I was pissed he accepted their taunting but not my advice because he just wanted to fit in… and Jooheon was growing his musical career even then. People talked about how much of a prick I was and he was scared too, of the outcome of it all. So I just… avoided them. It was easy. But avoiding them meant you always found me alone with your gorillas. Maybe you didn’t see it, but there wasn’t a day I wasn’t bruised when I was in High School. I just can’t let that go. That shaped me…”

“They also didn’t fight, you know?” Interrupted Minhyuk, softly “A friendship is a two way deal, even I knew that back then”

“That doesn’t make it better…” complained Kihyun, equally as soft.

“Sorry… but… Kihyun… can I call you that? You still haven’t given me permission… eh… well, fuck it. Point is… they know. And I don’t want to talk about them anymore, I think I’ve said enough for now… but… thank you? For sharing. It… it bring everything into perspective…”

Kihyun sighed softly, and the Black Dog barked, insistently… The rubbed his temple, trying to soothe it, to no avail.

“So, what now?”

 

_______________

 

That was a question Minhyuk was trying to answer since Kihyun had started talking, almost half an hour ago, and he still hadn’t found anything that made sense. Sure, he had information now, everything was laid out in the open and he could work with that. He just had to find what to give Kihyun, a need he could cling to and cater to it as he catered to costumers, because that’s what he knew how to do well. But this was different. He was dealing with someone so deeply hurt by his own brain, that he knew what he had to do, but the way to get there and making it bearable was the issue they would have to sort out first.

They, huh?

“We can… I mean, Can I come over? Like… once a week maybe? Let’s… let’s truly get to know each other. Let me gain your trust. At least I think that’s what I want to do now. You and me, or whoever you want at the moment. Just hanging out like normal folks. And if… if the dog acts up, at least you will have me here…”

“I can’t ask that of you…”

“You are not asking. I’m offering it for free. Or well, maybe not that free… do you have food? I’m hungry as fuck…”

Kihyun was confused, and then he lowered his head, apologetically,

“I’m sorry”

Minhyuk dismissed it and stood up, offering his hand to Kihyun.

“Don’t be”

Kihyun rejected the offer and incorporated himself easily. Minhyuk moved his hands, and snickered softly. 

“You are independent as fuck”

“Can you make a sentence that doesn’t incorporate the word “Fuck” every five lines, at least?” Snorted Kihyun, opening his fridge. Minhyuk noted it was decently stocked, even if the amount of food was little, far too little for Kihyun’s size. 

“Part of my charm. Cursing makes me approachable”

“No, it makes you sound like a douchebag”

Minhyuk snorted, and watched as Kihyun rinsed so vegetables and took out brown rice.

“No cucumber, right?”

Yeah, Minhyuk could get used to this. 

 

______________

 

Hoseok was sitting on the floor of Hyunwoo’s apartment and it was getting on his nerves. The man was guarding the door like Minhyuk was his long lost owner that was just about to get through it. Or something. Jooheon, on the side, was pacing in circles like a jailed lion, fidgety and angry. Changkyun and Hyungwon, on the other side, were playing with Minhyuk’s playstation, like the normal kids their were. 

“Man, please stand up. There’s a couch literally two feet away from the door. You are going to catch him as he enters.” Argued Hyunwoo, signaling the couch.

“I’m fine” grunted the nutritionist, pouting.

Hyunwoo sighed, and gave up for the moment, choosing to press Jooheon instead. 

“Cursing high heavens Minhyuk took Yoo Kihyun home is not going to make him come back faster. Trust him a little.”

“I’ve trusted him enough, and look where it got us! I love Minhyukkie-hyung, I really do, but this is crossing the line” complained Jooheon, crossing his arms “I should have gone to him alone. I should have…”

“And do what?” Asked Changkyun from the couch “Cry like a baby because he was going to send you away?”

Jooheon glared at him.

“You are supposed to be on my side!!”

“I’m in the side of rationality, Honey-hyung. And right now, neither you or Hoseokkie-hyung are making much sense. Do you want to be friends with him again or not? Because from what I saw today, you guys were acting like spoiled brats”

Hoseok wanted to protest, but Hyungwon interrupted them.

“May I say something? Yes? Cool. The dude is a mess. Sorry, but he is. But you want that mess in your lives, so you have to actually do something to ensure he is not going to go back to the rock he was hiding under. Hoseok did well I sending Minhyuk-hyung, because he actually isn’t afraid of that hamster-boy”

Jooheon glared at him, but Changkyun got his attention.

“Honey-hyung. Kihyun-hyung is thin, he is pale, he looks like he doesn’t get much social interaction and he has panic attacks when he does something innate. What does it tell you?”

Jooheon stilled, trying to process the information.

Hyungwon sighed, annoyed. 

“It means that guy is kinda depressed, and it means you’ll have to be patient as fuck if you want him back into your lives. And before you question me, remember I’m a model, I work in media and I see high functioning depression at work every day. You should know, Hoseok. I’m disappointed you don’t get it”

Hyunwoo nodded, crossing his arms and leaning into the wall.

“Maybe you guys are too invested in getting back the friend you HAD. But… as much as you have changed, he has too. You can’t just demand someone back into your life because you miss them. He doesn’t owe you shit, kids.”

“You are months older than me, don’t play the “hyung” card that earnestly” complained Hoseok, grumbling. Jooheon looked sincerely apologetic. 

“Sometimes I think I’m surrounded by children when I’m with you guys. Always jumping into trouble without thinking and then cowering. Trust Minhyuk… even given the history the two of them share together, Kihyun seems comfortable enough with him.”

“Wise words, daddy” praised Changkyun, smirking, and Hyunwoo sighed, defeated.

“You kids need therapy. All of you”


	7. Soft Thuds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Minhyuk and Kihyun grow closer, so does the realization that the Black Dog has been playing with his head.
> 
> Kihyun meets an old friend.
> 
> Hyunwoo takes a step forward in helping Minhyuk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So....
> 
> I defended my masters thesis...
> 
> AND I MOTHERFUCKING PASSED! I'M OFFICIALLY HAVE MY MASTERS DEGREE!!
> 
> So yeah, that's the explanation for the delay, also. I wanted to finish this but I just couldn't with work and classes and my thesis... but now I'm ready to keep writing!
> 
> Thank you for the love you are showing this, really.
> 
> please enjoy! This chapter introduces one character that's going to be central to the plot moving forward, even if he doesn't appear as often as others!!
> 
> Bye bye!

Episode 7/ Soft Thuds

 

 

Minhyuk never thought that spending time at Kihyun’s was going to become part of his weekly routine, but he actually found himself enjoying the quiet times he sat on the light grey couch with a cup of coffee and listened to the owner of said space go around his evening routine. He had soon learnt that Kihyun was methodic in about everything he did, and even the slightest change in that had a great impact on his mental state: one night Minhyuk had ordered pizza beforehand, without consulting with the guy, and the fight that had erupted had been nothing short of crazy. It all boiled down to Kihyun going into a neurotic break down because he had bought extra food and chicken couldn’t be frozen again after thawing it, and cooking it and leaving it as left over was going to bring disgusting smells out and… well, you get the drill. Minhyuk had learnt a lot, and had tested his own patience in the process - hell, he actually found out he was more patient he had given himself credit for -, and in return, tested Kihyun’s boundaries and supplied alternatives to a very rigid and unsustainable system. 

At first Minhyuk just bothered the journalist by phone, and went to his house just once a week, or that was what he intended. After two weeks, Minhyuk had started to go twice to thrice a week, just to watch Kihyun cook and go about his daily routine. It was soothing in a way spending time with Hyunwoo wasn’t, just because the shorter male fused around and made a lot of noise, even if he didn’t really paid any mind to it. When spending time with Hyunwoo, it usually meant a lot of silence if Minhyuk wasn’t the one filling it with noise. It was relaxing to listen to another human being’s noise. 

And not, almost two months in, Minhyuk had forgotten what was like not to be around the hamster man anymore.

Yet, it wasn’t like there was friendship in there, not yet, but soon he learnt that for Kihyun to let him enter his life, he had made a big break into the unapproachable shell he had hidden himself in. A break that not his own family had been able to breach - if the short, late night conversations with his mom where anything to get by -, hiding his true feelings in a polite, impersonal exchange, much like anyone would have with a costumer in a retail shop. It was a breach, Minhyuk doubted Kihyun was really aware of, if he was being completely honest. It seemed that the need of having anyone care enough to stay and not judge, was enough to make Kihyun press his own boundaries beyond what he was accustomed to. 

Minhyuk had the privilege to witness Kihyun’s interactions with his coworkers, once when he had gone and picked up the guy at the door. He was talking to a handsome, younger guy and a tall, black haired woman, about what, he wasn’t able to tell, but the way Kihyun’s face kept his cool and the well rehearsed pleasantries rolled off his tongue when Minhyuk approached them was enough to confirm to him that the poor guy never put his guard down, and didn’t allow himself to be unpleasant even if he was tired and done for the day. Minhyuk found pride in being the only guy Kihyun let himself be unpleasant with, because he could be a pressure regulator of the sorts, on the boiling pot that was his former classmate. 

Not every evening had been tranquil little respites, however. Minhyuk had also been a witness to many off-moments to feel comfortable with everything that was going on. Sometimes it was Kihyun’s rage, loud and unpredictable, much like the rabid “dog” he had described previously, lashing out at nothing and everything altogether. Sometimes, it was mellow and sad, a sort of gloom that shaded his eyes and dampened the banter they had going, and Minhyuk had to pay close attention to every little detail to find what had been the catalyst to that reactions.

Sometimes, it was worrisome on a level Minhyuk had never wanted to witness. Kihyun would just… stop. Like a toy running out of battery. One moment he was engaging, even if his answers were short and sarcastic, and the next he just fixed his eyes on one spot in the nothingness of space and just… just quieted down to a level Minhyuk worried he just might stop breathing. Those moments were actually scary, because he knew they were the moments the “dog thing” was just too overbearing, and in order to protect himself, Kihyun just shut down and let himself drown in all that noise inside his head. One night, that had actually happened on the balcony and Kihyun had just… stood there, looking at the horizon, fixated on a point far away, and Minhyuk had feared he would just jump down in order to reach it. He had that light sway in the way he stood, like he would just collapse if given the chance to do so, and that day Minhyuk just clung to his shoulders like a leech, like a grounding weight over him. 

Those nights Minhyuk didn’t want to leave, but always did.

And tonight was one of those nights, and Minhyuk was terrified beyond believe, because he just couldn’t wrap his head at the idea of having something so powerful inside his own head that just made the whole system go into a preventive shut down.

They had been sitting on the sofa, Kihyun going over some interviews and writing down some notes, while Minhyuk played some game on his phone. At one point, they both had agreed that Kihyun needed to work for a bit in order to sleep, so Minhyuk had came with a schedule of the sorts: two levels, and then he would press Kihyun for a conversation again. Sometimes he could be stuck for an hour or two on a level, sometimes it was just twenty minutes, but the irregularity of it gave Kihyun a controlled taste at losing control over things, and just having to deal with it to the best of his abilities. Minhyuk actually liked the system, even if it was a bit weird, but he liked weird, so he thought he was right on brand. 

That night, Kihyun just stopped writing, at one point, and had clutched the side of his head with his left hand, clawing at his skull with piercing force. It took Minhyuk a solid five minutes to notice the ragged breathing and the fixed stare, and proceded to push his foot against Kihyun’s for support, rubbing the side of his leg softly, but the man paid him no heed, staying there, just as paralyzed.

“Kihyun, what’s wrong?” Minhyuk asked, even if he knew he would get no answer. Kihyun was breathing hard and shallow, and the way his nails pressed into his skin could even be seen from where Minhyuk sat “Kihyun” he called again, but the answer remained the same.

The entrepreneur got up and fell to his knees in front of the journalist, moving the coffee table aside and hesitated his next move. Should he touch the guy? Should he talk to him? He was by no means qualifies to deal with this kind of stuff, goddamnit. 

“Minhyuk…” rasped the slightly youngest male “go home…”

“Are you nuts? I’m not leaving you like this, dude…” he answered, looking up at the man in front of him. Kihyun glanced back, his eyes unfocused and pained. Minhyuk felt something in his chest clench painfully.

“Then make it stop” he begged, eyes moist and heavy. 

Minhyuk pondered for a second how he could challenge an incorporeal being roaming around his former classmate’s head. It was a very painful realization to have, that even if he had promised to try, he was at loss of what or how to do it. Maybe he could start with something he enjoyed, but at the same time, he was positive Kihyun was going to abhor everything he liked just out of principle…

“Hey… do you… do you remember that time in high school when Miss Kim got so pissed at us because we were arguing the whole class and we got both detention?” He asked, suddenly. Kihyun seemed to freeze “yeah, I remember that was your first time on detention… sorry about it dude. Anyways… I always look back to that day and I feel fond, but I don’t really remember what happened? What were we arguing about anyways?”

Kihyun took a shaky breath in, and if the way his brows furrowed, he was concentrated in pulling together an answer. Minhyuk was actually very proud of himself at the moment.

“You were telling me I had an ‘ugly walnut chin’, and that I had to be a squirrel because humans don’t get that kind of features” he murmured, frowning. 

Ah fuck, goddamnit and every curse in his repertoire.

“A-ah? Really? Ugh, past me was such an asshole… eh… sorry about that too…”

Kihyun snorted and Minhyuk at least felt a little less guilty, if the man could find some type of humor in that whole situation.

“You really hated me, didn’t you?” Asked Kihyun, smile lopsided. 

 

________________________________

 

Kihyun didn’t really like the way Minhyuk’s frown deepened, he really didn’t, but at the same time, he couldn’t have said anything else. In reality, it was such a plain reality, that even a toddler could see it with their eyes closed and little underdeveloped brains. And yet, it felt wrong stating the obvious. The Black Dog growled, his paws stomping on the cortex of his brain, almost like a very heavy drum. 

“I’ve never hated you, tho….” Murmured Minhyuk “shit, maybe that makes everything worse, but I didn’t. I just was a dick. I wanted you to react…”

“Yeah” he sighed back.

Yeah, Kihyun had gathered as much. That’s why it felt wrong. Because being hated would have given his pain a reason, but it didn’t. He was so worthless in teenage Minhyuk’s mind, that he didn’t get even the most basics of respects. 

“I…” choked the tallest male, sounding as tongue tided and Kihyun felt brain-wrapped “for all it’s worth I… I thought you were cool. That day. What did you do? I don’t remember, but I know you did something amazing…”

Kihyun frowned slightly, trying to remember.

[Kihyun felt appalled and mortified. He wasn’t a delinquent! He wasn’t the kind of student you gave detention to! That was Lee Minhyuk, for fuck’s sake! But not him, even if he had fought back!

He was so angry with the world, with the teacher who couldn’t possibly have listened to him and understood the whole thing wasn’t his fault, at Lee Minhyuk and his nonchalant attitude at being given detention once again and actually had laughed and given him a violent pat on the back…! But, being honest, he was more angry at himself. Angry because he wasn’t able to control his temper once again, angry because he couldn’t control how people perceived him even if he tried so hard to be at least respectful to everyone.

Angry because he wasn’t someone else people could like.

Sighing deeply, he rubbed his face in annoyance, trying to focus in the assignment in front of him. They had to write an essay to each other, stating the reasons why the other was a good classmate to have, so, just writing an essay to force themselves to find redeeming qualities in each other. Their korean teacher was such a hippie sometimes, Kihyun didn’t really enjoy his classes, but this assignment took the cake at the most annoying one. 

They were seated far away from each other, and forced to look at the three sheets of paper in front of them in deep silence. Kihyun knew he didn’t want to write that paper, he knew he was going to be made fun because of it, and Minhyuk was just going to half-ass one bull-crap or another. But not giving his all and actually work hard on finding something likable about the other teen was hard.

Even so, he started writing.]

“I just wrote that blasted essay we had to write on each other. That thing where we had to find something not awful about…”

Minhyuk lightened up and smiled.

It was blinding.

The Black Dog growled low. 

“Yeah!! That thing! It was so embarrassing!” 

“You half-assed the thing, it shouldn’t have been embarrassing for you…”

“But you didn’t…” mumbled Minhyuk, bashful “I… I was so touched? I mean, you disliked my guts to mars and back and even then you wrote something good! I felt so ashamed afterwards because I couldn’t… I thought it was uncool to give my all. But… you didn’t and wrote something very pretty… ”

“I just wrote you could make anyone happy if you tried with your jokes. And it wasn’t a lie… even I found myself laughing at your stupidity sometimes… or how you lifted that girl… Song Sumi was it? Yeah, Song Sumi-ssi’s spirit after she got that bad grade in math even if you had gotten one so good and offered her to study… That you weren’t kind to me didn’t mean you weren’t kind…”

The Black Dog snarled, and he was surprised to find himself focusing on him again after minutes of radio silence. He almost wanted to cry, but Minhyuk interrupted his spiral down.

“Yeah, how do you remember all that stuff? It’s so weird that you remember those details! I haven’t thought about Sumi-yah in years!”

Kihyun thought about it for a bit, and sighed.

“When you dislike yourself as much as I do… you tend to get stuck on stuff. I never forget things I feel ashamed about. I actually feel shame about that day because I thought she deserved to fail that class because she just focused on idols and that stuff. That she didn’t deserve to pass if she didn’t use every waking hour on being a good student… I was such a dick to everyone”

Minhyuk frowned.

“See! That’s were that thing roots itself!”

“Huh? What do you mean?”

“When you talk about yourself like that! You weren’t a bad person, Kihyun, for fuck’s sake…! You just… were in a bad environment. Hey, you nasty dog, shut the fuck up. I’m trying to make him listen to me!”

Kihyun was baffled… was this grown, smelly and surely, hairy man really trying to talk to a figment of his imagination like in was a corporeal being? 

“The dog’s quiet now…” he murmured, still confused.

“Well fuck, he was barking for a while before, wasn’t he? He needs to shut his pretty snout up and let me tell you how cool you were and are”

“Are you really going to talk to “it” directly? Seriously?” Asked Kihyun, trying to keep himself from growing amused at the tallest male antics

“Of course I am. He needs to learn proper manners. Surely you spoiled him rotten and that’s why he is so nasty. But do not worry, my dear, I’m here to be the stern daddy that dog needs!” He stated proudly, a cheeky smile on his cheeks.

Kihyun just broke and started laughing out loud, free and high pitched for the first time in a long, long time.

 

__________________

 

“Fancy seeing you home for two days in a row, who do I owe this pleasure to?” Teased Hyunwoo, amused, when he saw Minhyuk cross the front door before 7 pm for a change. The past weeks Hyunwoo had grown accustomed to seeing less and less from his roommate in a non-working setting, even if the man never failed to get back home before 10 pm and made sure to go to his room and talk to him about what he had eaten at Kihyun’s, or anything weird the male did. 

He was starting to get a second hand experience of the man in a level he didn’t know he was comfortable with, yet.

Minhyuk snorted. 

“Kihyunnie has a business trip tomorrow and he wants to try and sleep earlier, he’ll be back on Friday. What? Are you jealous? Awwww my Hyunwoonnie-hyung, don’t worry. You are my ultimate bear!!” Answered Minhyuk, smiling brightly.

Hyunwoo hummed in response, poking at the tv remote mindlessly.

“How’s that going by the way? Any progress with Yoo Kihyun?” 

Minhyuk sighed and collapsed on the couch besides him, pondering an answer slowly.

“I don’t know? I mean… I think he is comfortable enough with me, and he’s been laughing progressively more at my jokes… but… I don’t know… I don’t know if the progress I see is real progress. Sometimes I think I’m just distracting him and not really addressing any real issues. I don’t know if I’m like a placebo drug or anything, you know? And knowing that…”

“You’ve been using the word “know” or any of it’s variants an awful lot. Calm down, Minhyuk”

They looked at each other and snickered. Minhyuk released a big sigh and let his head hang on the back of the couch loosely. Hyunwoo bit his lower lip, and scratched the side of his head.

“Give him more time. It’s just been two months and as far as I can see, you’ve been doing a great work. He is just difficult to deal with”

“That’s the thing. He isn’t. Sure, he nags a lot and is always running around doing something in the house, and I can’t leave my shoes unorganized or any water cups on the counters or… agh, you get the point. But is easy being with him. Like background noise. Yeah sure, I have to mind how I toss my shoes, but the nagging is just like… endearing? Like he cares a lot for stuff most people don’t notice. The other day he was trying to write down some questions for an interview he was going to do, and he even cared about the way he was going to word the questions just so they weren’t invasive or tendentious. He gave it a lot of thought and actually cared for his interviewed feelings…! I don’t know. He just cares too much. That’s his problem. He has a lot of shits to give”

Hyunwoo snorted and smiled.

“You are whipped”

“What? No! Dude-hyung, what the fuck!?”

“You haven’t gone in a tangent talking about him. Usually you just drift off to a far away land when talking too long about the same topic, but you are kinda obsessed with this kid. So, whipped”

“Shut it. I’m not” complained Minhyuk, having the decency to blush a soothing shade of pink “I just don’t want him to go down the drain when he is such a good dude. That’s all”

“Sure, denial ain’t just a river in Egypt”

“You’ve been hanging with Kkukkunggie far too much!”

Hyunwoo sighed and tried to focus back on the tv screen, but failed. He still had a lot he wanted to tell Minhyuk about Kihyun; about how he didn’t think the guy was really as thoughtful as he thought he was, or how he didn’t think Kihyun gave a fuck about Minhyuk, or how he thought he was a dick to Hoseok, Changkyun and Jooheon. But then he saw his friend’s profile. The determination in his eyes. He was so uncharacteristically invested in the man, that in a way, Hyunwoo wanted to believe Yoo Kihyun was worth it. Worth Minhyuk’s time, worth his friend’s heartache, worth the wait. 

“I… why don’t you bring him here for a change? Just the three of us…” proposed the man, feeling very awkward.

“Eh? You sure? I thought you didn’t care about that”

Hyunwoo pouted.

“Yeah, I don’t care about ‘him’, but I care about you and Hoseok and all of them. And you all love him more or less. I think I have to give the guy a chance and actually get to meet him. My only experiences with him were back in High School when I saw him trying to hit you or the face Hoseok made when anyone teased him about being friends with someone who was openly LGBT. I don’t know Kihyun, but I want to, for you guys…”

Minhyuk smiled and cuddled up to Hyunwoo and sighed, content.

“Thanks, hyung. It means a lot…”

 

_____________________

 

Spending time on business trips was always something that Kihyun dreaded. He slept horrible in hotels, hated the greasy buffet food and missed the comfort of his routine the most. The Black Dog was always more active when he was restless, and that meant even less sleep and a harder time at concentrating in his duties. But business trips always brought him at least some bit of inspiration for photographs and writing material outside his work and usual sources. Daegu, the destination of this business trip, was a beautiful city surrounded by mountain ranges and green vegetation, and Kihyun actually tried to enjoy walking around without a proper destination, taking in the novelty of a city he wasn’t as comfortable with. 

Visiting Daegu also meant meeting up with Yoongi. 

Surely some people thought it was weird he still had such a deep fondness for his ex boyfriend - mostly his mother, or well, only his mother because he didn’t have any other friends, really - and that they met up every time they were in town. Yoongi flew from and to Seoul often enough due to his job, but the times they actually had time to meet up in Daegu and stroll around places not charged with negative energy were rare and welcome. 

Kihyun had no hard feelings for his ex, because in reality they were very much the same. Where Kihyun had hidden and closed the door with a fake professional smile, Min Yoongi had used his unpleasant demeanor and sass as a defense mechanism, but deep down inside both of them struggled equally, just bellow surface, struggling for air and a release from the iron grip their demons had on them. 

“How’s your emo dog doing? Still a bitch?” Asked the man with his deep, raspy voice, stirring his iced coffee absentmindedly, a smirk present on his face.

“The bitchiest, and you? How are you?” Asked in return Kihyun, struggling to keep his hands warm, even with the hot coffee between them. Surely, just Yoongi could drink that blasted iced americano even in the middle of winter.

“Meh, could be worst” answered the man, sighing softly “tho, living with Namjoon AND Jin has made my schedule something akin to a Michael Bay movie. They don’t give me peace, seriously. And they have the kids over ALL the time. But you know, other than that…”

Kihyun snorted.

“Aren’t you loved, Yoon-ah”

“Still your hyung, even for a few months”

“Not going to call you hyung just because you were born in March. Give it up”

“Never” snickered Yoongi. 

They fell into comfortable silence. That was something Kihyun missed from his previous relationship with the man; neither was good at conversation, and neither were good with crowds and noise, so they stayed quiet most of the time. They could think, they could breath with each other. But, as much as it was welcome, when the relationship faced issues, things grew even quieter. And, therefore, the Black Dog grew louder.

Yoongi sighed softly, and took a sip of his coffee.

“You look better. Pinkish and… I don’t know. Less like you are waiting for the sweet release of death and more like you are just not going to turn away if it finds you being a fucking idiot”

Kihyun wanted to laugh, because that was such a Yoongi thing to say, but he kept silent, mussing on the observation he made. The Black Dog growled low inside his head, but he remembered big hands against his chest and idle feet rubbing against his on grey couches and just, sighed back. 

“Yeah I…”

“There’s a new man, I see…” teased Yoongi “scandalous”

Kihyun snorted, kicking Yoongi under the table, but the fucker was quick to dodge. 

It was so sad to grow to predict each other movements. Kihyun almost missed kicking him in the shin.

“Not a man in that way, you prick. But… I’ve… met someone again, from High School and…”

“Disgusting, High School sweetheart? Or just the kind of guy you looked at and wanted to suck his dick because he was available? Wait, wasn’t your school filled with assholes?”

Kihyun gave him a deadpan look.

“No, you creep. Why does everything have to go back to that with you??”

“You are the conservative one, Kiki”

“Shut it. Anyways… yes, my School was full of jerks and no… he… we weren’t friends…” mumbled Kihyun “we aren’t friends now? I think…?”

“Spill it, Yoo. What’s going on?”

“He was a former bully… of mine…”

Yoongi frowned, and gave Kihyun a nod ton encourage him to go on. Kihyun gulped.

“Ahm… well. Yeah. He is a former bully but he saw me struggle and… he just… wants to help now, for some reason. I don’t really know Yoon-ah…” Kihyun took a sip, his coffee lukewarm at best by then “but he… he quiets the Black Dog down…”

“You know that’s dangerous territory, Ki-ah…” chastised Yoongi, his left hand going to clasp at Kihyun’s right “Don’t let yourself make him the reason you are like this, because when he is not, the downfall is going to be ugly” he admonished, with his paternal tone sipping through the cracks in his nonchalant demeanor “And I don’t want ugly”

Kihyun smiled softly, almost sad for a moment, given how much he thought Yoongi doesn’t care. He still thought that way, sometimes, but this little coffee moments, in which they just… stood together, it brought back the reason why Yoongi was the only person who knew about Kihyun’s struggles, and why Kihyun was that person for him in return. 

“I… thank you. I’m trying to… to not go that way? I just… he…”

Yoongi cooed, shushing him softly.

“Too much babbling, Ki-ah. Tell me when you know exactly what to say.”

So back to silence it was, pondered Kihyun, looking at his cup of coffee while Yoongi’s feline eyes watched the road to the side, where people, cars and everything in between passed through nothingness. Kihyun knew Yoongi wasn’t a people’s watcher, but when the fell into those silent moments, the underground-rapper-made-bussines-man couldn’t help himself and just, took time to watch life go. Kihyun was so fond, but in a platonic way. Fond of seeing him being able to do so, to go outside, to enjoy even things he didn’t quite did before. 

“Can you help me with something? I know this Seoul brand who is having issues with the name and I think you are the man for the job”

Yoongi eyes drifted slowly from the people to him and gave him a lazy smile.

“Talk dirty to me, baby”

 

________________

 

Minhyuk screwed up. He really did. Hyunwoo didn’t know why the man bothered planning stuff when the universe usually just sent his ideas straight to voicemail and deleted the message without processing it. 

So yeah, this is how things went down: Minhyuk took Hyunwoo’s offer and ran with it, straight to Kihyun on Friday. Surprisingly, the man had said yes to the invitation. Everything was relatively fine to that point, Hyunwoo had even went to get his hair cut that week so he didn’t look like a “imposing brute” as Kihyun used to call him in High School - Minhyuk still thought it was a hilarious nickname, but Hyunwoo begged to differ. Anyways, everything was okay till Minhyuk had called him, fifteen minutes to the little guy’s arrival to tell him he was running late from a business meeting and please Hyunwoo entertain him and do not intimidate him this means a lot please Hyunwoo I’m going to make laundry for a week. Yeah, the kind of nonsense you spew when nervous and full of shit. 

Hyunwoo wasn’t one to panic, but facing Yoo Kihyun alone was weird. So weird, he didn’t know what he could possibly talk about with the man. They had literally nothing in common, and even one little unintentional fling could send the guy flying away. It was a life or death situation - death mostly because Minhyuk was going to be prissy and annoying if Kihyun just went away because he was an awkward fuck.

Hyunwoo wanted to sob the moment the door bell rang, and trying hard to keep his cool, went and opened it up for his guest. Kihyun stood there, a bottle of wine on a hand and a gift box on the other. He was wearing a full on padded jacket and a beanie, and looked very cozy under all his layers.

“Good Evening…” greeted the younger male.

“Yoo Kihyun, please, come in… Minhyuk is running a bit late, but he is going to be here soon” for your sanity and mine, he wanted to add, but restrained himself. He saw Kihyun freeze for a second, before taking off his coat and beanie. He looked around, a bit confused “Is something wrong?”

“Eh… no, no! Just… where do I put this…?” He asked, softly.

“Eh… wherever? On the couch maybe…? Sorry, Minhyuk and I don’t really have that kind of stuff here, so people just leave their coats on the loveseat there, or… yeah…”

Hyunwoo cringed internally, and he saw Kihyun’s tiny frown taking form, but soon enough he schooled his features and folded his other layers on the couch, crisp and neat. He was wearing a cream colored knitted sweater underneath, but it wasn’t as big on him as any of the clothes he had seen the man in, so maybe it was a recent purchase, because even if he looked less pale and grey as he did before, he hadn’t increased in size much, or not enough to be noticeable. 

“Thanks… ehm… Well, this are for you” said Kihyun, handling Hyunwoo the gifts “is nothing much but…”

Hyunwoo smiled, slightly touched by the courtesy.

“Thank you, it’s very appreciated” 

Kihyun nodded and stood there, in place while Hyunwoo put both things on the table. The bigger male signaled the couch and Kihyun lowered his head a bit in an awkward bow and went to sit down, his eyes running around the apartment, very unsettled.

“Sorry for the mess. Well, it’s not messy for us, but… yeah. Minhyukkie told me you were very neat? We tried… I swear”

Kihyun shook his head and brought both hands up.

“It’s ok! Sorry. Minhyuk told me… that his carpet was… you know…” he cringed softly, and Hyunwoo wanted to give him a break, but didn’t know how.

“Ah, yeah… The carpet. I clean this one, don’t worry. Minhyuk’s room? That’s a vortex I do not venture into. I don’t if he has one there to be honest…”

Kihyun trembled from his head to the tip of his toes, bringing his shoulders up slightly. He was very narrow. Hyungwon was a thin man too, but he had a build that had width to it, broad shoulders and chest; Kihyun had none of it, so when he folded himself, he looked tinier. Maybe that was why, even if he wasn’t a petite man, Minhyuk and everyone really used to tease him for his height… he was average in that department, but was slim and narrow. 

“Well, for the sake on higiene, he is better off not having one, that’s for sure…”

Hyunwoo nodded slightly, and silence befell them. Kihyun played with his hands for a bit, folding his fingers into each other and making soft rustling noises with his skin, and Hyunwoo tried hard to find something to talk about, but nothing came to mind. They were too different. Too different and Hyunwoo didn’t really connect with people so dramatic and he felt uncomfortable often when it came to those things.

“Hey, eh… Son Hyunwoo-ssi?” The man stuttered a bit, and took a tiny breath in “Do you still have issues with the name of your brand?”

Hyunwoo blinked once.

“Issues? Well, we haven’t decided anything yet but…”

Kihyun nodded, a bit too fast and jerky.

“Would you mind if I say something about it? Or well, not me but…?”

Hyunwoo blinked twice and nodded back.

“Sure, do you have something in mind?”

“No, not me but… I have a… friend I guess. He works in marketing. He is good with brands and building brands and stuff. He sells those. Thing is, I told him a bit about Monsta Health or Nutrition or whatever and… he agreed to give you guys a hand if you liked the next time he comes to Seoul… but only if you want! I don’t want to press any boundaries! I just… The concept is good, people talk about you in social media and all. You just need a better name… I think…”

Hyunwoo smiled softly, nodding along. 

“Thanks, and we would appreciate it a lot. Even if Hoseok and Minhyuk are creative, we have struggled with the name quite a bit. Thank you, Yoo Kihyun-ssi.”

“Please, just Kihyun… It’s a tad awkward to hear you say “ssi”, in all honesty”

“Back to you. Call me Hyunwoo… I do not really care, to be honest”

Kihyun nodded, and they fell silent once again. Hyunwoo wanted to start something himself, but… what could he talk about? He wasn’t good at conversation and he wasn’t good with Yoo Kihyun. But he had to try.

“I know this is weird, but I glad you accepted the invitation. The food is in the oven, by the way… I might not be the greatest of cooks, but I know a lot about food and how to make it edible” he joked, and Kihyun smiled back softly.

“Minhyuk talks about your food a lot…”

“Yeah…” Hyunwoo nodded “I like healthy stuff, even if Minhyuk is all about fast convenient food because he can’t cook… but he owes his skin condition to me at this point, even if he has a skin care routine, everything comes from the inside, you know?”

“Yeah, I get it. That’s one of the reasons I learnt how to cook… but I mostly do simple stuff at home. Minhyuk is always comparing dishes… even so, he speaks highly of your abilities”

They smiled at each other awkwardly, and then the door gave way to a very flustered, disheveled Minhyuk, who was smiling brightly at them.

“The life of the party is here!! Hey, Kihyun-ah! Hyunwoo-hyung! Let me tell you guys about the crazy ride I had home, the driver was nuts, I tell you…!”

Hyunwoo watched as Kihyun’s smile grew a bit less forced, a bit more amused, and grinned to himself.

Maybe things weren’t going to be so awkward afterwards.


	8. Breaking Through

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a new person irrupting into Kihyun's routine and Minhyuk is faced with a short lived issue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YEAH I'M BACK!
> 
> Took a while, and this might not be my best chapter, but that's because the last few weeks have been a work nightmare. The end of the year always is.
> 
> Also, as much as I love ChangKi and enjoy reading about it, I'm not too confident in my portrayal of Changkyun. It feels too forced for me, but in order to advance the plot, I need him to be there. 
> 
> I know this chapter has a distinct lack of Minhyuk, but fret not, because the next one is going to explore him and his memories once again!
> 
> See ya and have a good day!!

Chapter 7/ Breaking Through

 

 

 

Kihyun had come to expect a lot since Minhyuk had entered his life a few months ago. It was like the slightly older male was predictable in nature, and most of the time the things he said or did escaped every real of possibility for him. It wasn’t a bad thing per se, not anymore. Even with the Black Dog, Kihyun had learnt that Minhyuk’s whims drove the thing mad, never knowing how to react. One thing was true, thought… the Black Dog grew less loud, and sometimes completely silent if the man was around, and in the rare instance it didn’t, the entrepreneur knew exactly how to shut the thing up, or baffle it enough. Yet, he took Yoongi’s words to heart: he couldn’t keep Minhyuk around just to make the Black Dog calm down, and he couldn’t put the weight of his better mood on the man. What if they fought? Wat if Minhyuk grew tired of him? 

Those thoughts, the Black Dog fed on. He clawed his lonely skull at nights were Minhyuk wasn’t around and filled his head with noise. He knew it was the start of a very dangerous road, but the prospect of tossing the man away was frightening… and more frightening was to be truthful. But Minhyuk, with his little smile and unbelievable stories, made him want to think he actually could overcome it. That’s how high his expectations were since he found a respite in him.

What he didn’t expect was Changkyun waiting for him a cold winter noon outside of his building. 

The young man had headphones on, and looked very comfortable in surrounded by dirty snow and the cold haze before snowflakes started falling from the sky again. Kihyun, on the other hand, was contemplating never leaving his office, because freezing to death wasn’t a good perspective - hell, in that economy, his parents would have to pay a hefty price for the trouble his body was going to give the state. So no, no death by freezing for him.

“Hyung! Good Afternoon!” The man exclaimed, his warm, pleasant voice rumbling over the noise on the streets. 

“Changkyun…? What are you…?” 

“Wanna go grab a coffee?” He interrupted, his cheeky smile making his inexpressive face glow in mirth. Kihyun, dumbstruck, nodded “Great! I’ve never been to this side of town, show me around”

“Watch it, I’m still older than you” warned Kihyun, without the edge a stern tone would have brought along, but Kihyun felt the softness of Changkyun’s demeanor warm his insides. 

“Sorry, Kihyun-hyung. Hey! That sounds weird! ‘Hyun-hyung’. Quite the tongue twister, what if I call you Ki-hyung? Ah, it sounds like your name but slightly different”

Kihyun snorted, trying not to appear amused and failing.

“Keep it simple, kid. ‘Kihyun-hyung’ it’s alright. It’s not, not even close, to a tongue twister”

“For me it is! I’ve been talking in english for years, and back home I had no one to refer as “hyung” to! Korean still sounds weird to me…”

Kihyun nodded, still slightly taken aback by the sudden appereance of his childhood friend. He wanted to ask why the young man was there, but he knew it wasn’t the place nor the situation to be asking such questions, specially because he didn’t really know Changkyun. Sure, they spent a good chunk of their childhood together, but who was he now? What was his life like after he left Korea? Who were his friends, Hoseok, Jooheon and Minhyuk aside? He knew nothing about the boy and that knowledge sat heavy on his stomach, where the Black Dog was digging his big paws into, growling in a low rumbling tone. 

It was just as loud as the street’s noise was.

“Korean Starbucks is so weird too” Changkyun commented, nodding towards one on the other end of the street “Like, I know different countries have different menus, but the concept is still so foreign to me. Like, why don’t we have the whole menu of breakfast sandwiches here? Or… like, what the fuck is ‘Jeju Honey Peanut Latte’?”

“Cultural differences, Changkyun-ah”

“But it is weird!!! And the sizes too!”

“Kid, it’s not that complicated. Do you want to go to Starbucks for coffee? Is that what this is about?” Asked Kihyun, feeling slightly cheeky.

“Weeeeell, if you are paying, hyung~?” Was Changkyun’s answer. Kihyun suppressed a grin in return, because the youngest male was still the cheekiest little brat in the universe. 

“Sure, use me for my wallet. Come on, let’s go” 

“Yay! What should I try, Kihyun-hyung? Like, Hyungwon-hyung and Jooheon just drink iced americanos, so I have no point of reference. And the other hyungs never go to Starbucks because is a “brand betrayal” or whatever.. anyways, your recommendation?”

“Eh… I don’t know? I never come to Starbucks anyways… It’s outside of my normal route”

Changkyun frowned, looking up at the stop sign in front of him.

“Hyung, is literally two blocks away from your work”

Kihyun looked at him puzzled.

“But it’s on the other side of the street? I don’t have to cross that way to get to my apartment…” answered the journalist.

Changkyun nodded, face unreadable. Kihyun felt the Black Dog pacing and growling, the steps heavy on his skull.

They crossed the street and got into the heavily populated store. Office workers getting their fix before heading home. People with children, school kids, college kids. Everyone in one place trying to fill their warmth with overly sugared coffee and the promise of companionship in numbers. Or at least, that was what Kihyun used to think in college about the brand. It wasn’t like he didn’t like it, far from it really, but like most big brands, they didn’t give you food; they gave you a life style.

Should Minhyuk take their example?

Wait.

Why was he thinking about Minhyuk?

They stepped into the line, in silence. Changkyun was nodding along some idol music that was coming out of the store’s speakers, and Kihyun felt his clammy hands getting warmer. Coffee shops were always far too hot for his liking, more so if they were filled with much people than he was able to handle on a daily basis. He felt the Black Dog shot a warning bark, and the defeating noise of that child crying in the corner made his breath catch. He didn’t remember why he never went to Starbucks before, but now it was painfully clear: they were always far too full.

The Black Dog roared and Kihyun had to stop himself from cringing.

 

_____________

 

Changkyun looked over at his older friend from the corner of his eye, his head moving along some music he didn’t know or liked, but still did for the sake of pretense; Kihyun was tense, stubbornly moving his hands against each other, getting them pink and raw. It was so evident that he was uncomfortable and awkward standing in line, like he didn’t know what to do with himself or anyone around him. The girls in front of them chatted away about anything and everything, and the older couple behind them were bickering like anyone with enough trust in each other would, but them? Between Changkyun trying to keep himself from pointing out the evident discomfort of his hyung and Kihyun trying hard not to run away? 

The line went smoothly, there wasn’t much people around and the temperature was warm and pleasing, given the coldness outside. There were some empty tables tho, because it was a Monday and no one in their sane mind went out for coffee Monday afternoon. But Changkyun needed to get coffee with Kihyun, and he needed get things going for them, because he was going to go crazy if he had to listen to Jooheon complain another week about how Minhyuk-hyung was keeping Kihyun-hyung to himself doing who knows what. 

They ordered - Changkyun getting a very weird oatmeal thing that looked disgusting but if his disgust was going to get Kihyun to laugh, then he was game about drinking coffee laced with berry cereal - and he sent Kihyun straight to find a table. The man nodded, dazed and very jumpy, going on to find anywhere they could get comfortable enough and Changkyun let a breath out he didn’t know he was holding. Changkyun thought that there was a lot of information one could get about the food people ordered: he was weird and eclectic, so he always got the weirdest things on the menu; Jooheon was traditional but sweet and with a hint of spice, so he always got anything with caramel and espresso on it; Hoseok-hyung was a gym nut, but even then enjoyed the benefits of a sugary drink now and then, and the Iced Hibiscus Tea he had seen him order once or twice before was information enough; Hyungwon was the epitome of Iced Americano with.a dash of coconut milk, strong, sassy and charming; Hyunwoo-hyung was a Flat White kind of guy, straightforward but warm and welcoming: Minhyuk was the kind of guy who, as himself, ordered anything and everything and he had yet to see the man settle for one drink or another, always ready to get whatever he craved that given day.

So, he was surprised when he saw Kihyun order a black americano, no milk or sugar. That wasn’t a drink he would have associated with the feisty, straight laced and passionate kid he once knew, but he also had to take into consideration all the information he had gathered around the problem at hand: Kihyun had grown bitter and lonely over the years, and other than Minhyukkie-hyung, no one knew was he had been up to. 

Both drinks in hand, he made his way to his childhood friend, who was huddled on a corner table, sitting straight, but almost adhered to the wall. He had his eyes set on his phone, eyes stubbornly glued to the screen. From an outsiders standpoint, it looked like nothing was wrong: he had a crisp black shirt on, his hair was well maintained and his skin was radiant. From an outsiders standpoint, he was a man waiting for a business partner, an acquaintance. Easy to ignore, easy to overlook.

Changkyun felt like Kihyun did that on purpose. 

“Here, your black coffee of doom” he stated, smiling. The man looked up at him and smiled in return, frozen and polite.

“Thanks. I don’t know how you are going to stand that thing tho… It looks like a liquid nightmare”

“I’ve had worst down my throat” mumbled Changkyun and Kihyun sputtered before him.

“Changkyun-ah, what the fuck. Don’t toss that my way without a warning!”

“Puuh-lease. Don’t you appreciate a very well placed dirty joke?”

“Not in public!!”

Changkyun shrugged.

“No one cares. But well, I’ll try to rein my sewer mouth back enough for your prude virgin ears to be comfortable~” he sing sang and he saw Kihyun physically hold back. 

“You are a little shit and you know it, which makes it worst”

Changkyun snorted, smiling and Kihyun rumbled, his mouth meeting the side of the cup. He was hiding a pout and it was so endearing, Changkyun wanted to pinch his cheeks, but that’s a thing for another time.

Maybe next week. Holding back on impulses was not something he enjoyed.

They shared a tense stretch of silence, before Kihyun started to shift on his seat again. Changkyun sighed.

“How was work?”

Kihyun shrugged.

“Same old, same old. Yours? Any new songs?”

“Well, Jooheon is facing a bit of a dry patch at the moment and I’m not too keen on greasing him up for now…” he trailed off, and he got the reaction he expected.

“YAH! Changkyun-ah!!!”

The rapper laughed, whole heartedly and Kihyun looked around, nervous and scandalized. He looked so very spooked, that it made everything ten times better. Changkyun took a sip of his drink and almost regretted all the life choices he had made up until that point when a piece of oatmeal got lodged in the wrong hole. The tried hard to suppress a cough that would have sent the liquid flying straight to the others face.

Kihyun started to laugh, but also got up and took his courtesy napkin, folded it and went to press it against Changkyun’s mouth, softly but firmly. He coughed slightly, dampening the napkin with nasty coffee.

“Watch it, Changkyun-ah. Choking on weird coffee is kinda the worst way to go, at least a dick would be less undignified…” he joked, and the youngest giggled like a little kid and took the napkin from Kihyun cold, tiny fingers.

“Y-you made a dirty joke!”

Settling back, Kihyun shrugged, smug.

“I did no such thing and if you try and expose me, I’ll deny it”

Changkyun snorted again, and giggled for good mesure. 

“Duly noted. It’s good to know you can do dick jokes. Hoseok-hyung dies anytime we start doing them. He just starts laughing and he can’t keep it down…”

Kihyun nodded, sighing slightly.

“You want to talk about them?”

Changkyun suppressed a grimace and shrugged. 

“I just wanna talk with you, get to know you… but yeah, that’s a big elephant in the room. Specially because I live with Jooheon…”

“I don’t wish to get in between a good, civil roommate agreement. Jooheon is not very happy with the current situation, I take…”

Changkyun analyzed Kihyun’s posture: the slight slouch, the tense shoulders, the defeated mist over his eyes, and nodded.

“More than anything, he misses you like crazy, Kihyun-hyung. He doesn’t understand why you’ll let Minhyukkie-hyung in but not him… and I’m wondering about it too…”

Kihyun shrugged softly, letting his head rest on his shoulder, while his finger clung to the cup. The tips of his fingers were pink.

“I…” he pursed his lips, his brows furrowing slightly “I don’t… trust myself. Around them. I don’t think talking and reconnecting would be of any good for them. For… for anyone really-“ he cut himself, mouth clashing against the lid of the cup forcefully, but not enough to make coffee spill over him. Changkyun waited, patiently, observing him in silence, so Kihyun had no other option but to go on “… things got bad, Changkyun-ah. I… there’s a lot I haven’t forgiven, mostly myself. I just want to leave it all behind…”

“But?” Urged Changkyun, still soft. 

Kihyun looked up.

“But what?”

“What about Minhyuk?”

Kihyun grew silent again, nursing his cup, looking away from Changkyun. But the youngest knew he was thinking hard about it. The way his eyes moved, the way he nibbled the lid of the cup. He was going to give him a good answer, or at least not an impulsive one. So Changkyun waited.

“It’s different. I don’t… the baggage is different. I didn’t like Minhyuk”

“I’m not sure I’m following you”

Kihyun sighed, defeated.

“I didn’t like Minhyuk, I’m not worried about him liking me. About him thinking I’ve changed. I don’t want you, or the others, to go there. I don’t want you guys to… feel disappointed in what I have become…”

 

_____

 

Kihyun felt faint, like the whole floor underneath his feet was trembling with an earth shattering earthquake. The whole world was still, otherwise, and then he realized he was trembling, the ripples on his coffee cup evident by the soft, sloshing sound. He was bearing his soul out to the younger male and he felt naked in the sea of people that went about his business in the coffee shop. The Black Dog snarled at them, at Kihyun, at Changkyun; at anything and everything, lashing out in a very angry, very loud tirade. Kihyun was afraid the animal would rip his skull open and charge at the poor woman who was making munching sounds to the left of them. The poor woman didn’t deserve to die at the mercy of such an angry creature. 

He thought he heard Changkyun talking, but the howling and barking and trashing of the Black Dog was becoming so overwhelming that he didn’t know if he still was trembling or if it was the world at that point. And then he felt soft finger over his own, grasping the coffee cup steady and looked up at his straight faced young friend.

“It’s ok, Kihyun-hyung. I get it. But we are not going to judge. A lot changes. We have changed too. That doesn’t mean we can’t be friends, I mean the current us. We can do it.” Kihyun was still dazed, and his brain couldn’t quite grasp the concept of speech at the moment, but the only grounding factor was Changkyun. Cool hands. Soft skin. Deep eyes Changkyun. He had never been more grateful for a grounding factor.

He nodded, soft and quiet, while concentrating on breathing deep and loud, drowning the Black Dog’s barks in his own noise. He felt constricted and pained, but the notion of having someone in front of him, someone who actually could care and did care…!

“Tell me about you. I want to know about you” rasped Kihyun, trying hard not to sound so constricted. The Black Dog barked again.

Changkyun glanced to the side, and then nodded.

“Well, I always wanted to tell you about the funny things I saw in Israel…! Did you know I lived there for a while?”

Kihyun smiled, even if the Black Dog kept silently growling in the background.

 

_________________

 

Minhyuk sat in front of his computer, pondering silently if he was doing a good thing by googling what he was about to google. He bit his lower lips, absentmindedly taping the side of his keyboard with his ring finger, making a soft, yet continuous noise. He was afraid that once he started that path, he might open a Pandora’s Box of the sorts; however, the benefits of being conscious, or at least less ignorant might prove to be an asset on his quest towards understanding Kihyun. 

So he typed ‘depression' in the browser and waited for a second.

In a way it felt invasive. Would Kihyun want to have him digging deeper into a topic they haven’t really discussed? Sure, they have had talks about the dog-thing and what it made Kihyun feel and how detrimental it was to his social interactions - that last part on an indirect way, if you asked Minhyuk -, but he wasn’t sure if his former classmate would appreciate the effort. It was a sensitive topic, and that was an understatement. But what was someone, who had actually no idea of how it might feel to go through such an emotional rollercoaster, going to do? Going to say? Was it going to be valid? Sure, it could clarify some issues for himself, but in all honesty, he wasn’t sure if more information could equal in feeling less unprepared for their next afternoon.

He looked over the browser again, and sighed, standing up and going out of his room. Hoseok and Hyunwoo were on the couch watching a show about idols he wasn’t really interested in, but he might as well join them for a while, to free his mind of deeper, complicated issues. A show about idols was always mindless and good. 

“Hey, weren’t you playing that online game?” Asked Hyunwoo, following him with his eyes. 

“Eh, I got bored… Gonna join you for now” replied Minhyuk, while looking at the healthy assortment of unsweetened Iced Tea they had in the fridge, and chose the marginally less tasteless. 

Hoseok made grabby hands towards him, and Minhyuk felt fondness settling inside his bones. He settled snug against the older frame and sighed, still bummed.

“Did you lose?” Asked in turn the body builder “G-game over?” he followed in a very unsure english, and Minhyuk thought he might have fallen in love a little bit with Hoseok’s unsure tone. 

“Nah… never started playing. Was doing research on something” he said, his answer vague enough, focusing his eyes on the screen. The poor kids were being forced into a kissing game of the sorts; Minhyuk always got somewhat bitter with those interactions, mostly because if any of those performers were to come out for real, the press and society would condemn them swiftly. He remembers he would have laughed, once.

“You? Doing research?” Mocked Hyunwoo, without real bite to his words “another tactic you might want to apply to marketing? You know Kihyun-ah is getting us that special consultant…”

“No…” he pouted, looking sideways at Hoseok, who in turn, sighed.

“Is this another Kihyun-related-thing I’m not allowed to know?” He asked, weary.

“No! Hoseok no…! Argh… ok yes. It’s about Ki… but mostly about me related to him” he answered, sighing, and both Hoseok and Hyunwoo looked at him, urging him to go on “I just… I don’t know what’s acceptable? I mean. I really want to help him but I don’t have the tools? And it doesn’t feel right to coerce him to seek professional help at this point… so I wanted to google about… you know… depression, mental health and…” he trailed off, picturing the face Kihyun had every time he froze, clutching the side of his head like he was in physical pain. 

Minhyuk wholeheartedly believed he was.

He heard Hyunwoo hum lowly and the muscles of Hoseok’s arm tensed slightly, before relaxing. A few moments later, he felt a heavy warm arm over his shoulders, bringing him in.

“Minhyukkie, you are a gift to the world, but looking up information on the internet without a proper guide could worsen things you know? Of course you do, but I feel I have to remind you…” muttered Hoseok. Minhyuk huffed.

“Of course I took that into account. And also Kihyun’s feelings. I don’t know if he would appreciate me going down that road…”

“Behind his back? He would not appreciate it. Alongside him? Anyone would” stated Hoseok, firm. Sometimes Minhyuk forgot his beefy friend was older and sensitive, and that had proper advice to give. 

“Seokkie has a point. You care about him and you want to learn. Tell him that” supplied the oldest, voice low and pondering “I know people usually say that words are meaningless if there aren’t actions behind them but… actions without communication are also a problem. It gives too much free space to speculate…”

Hoseok nodded, firmly and Minhyuk sighed in return. He didn’t mind the pressure of being responsable for Kihyun, not in the level he was at that point, but what if things got deeper? darker? Would he have the strength to carry himself and the weight of the broken relationships of his friends on his shoulders? 

“I just don’t think he needs that from a bully, you know?”

“Former bully” grunted Hoseok “you are not that ignorant anymore, and you are even willing to learn more about his troubles. Sure, there’s a lot of pain to deal with. But that’s why we are here too you know? For you. For you helping him. For him.”

Minhyuk looked at them and smiled, softly.

“I don’t deserve you, my precious beefcakes” he giggled, giddy and Hyunwoo groaned and Hoseok giggled like a kid and everything was fine. They were fine. Minhyuk was fine. 

“Wanna help me? I think three dumb brains are better than my own overthinking one” He offered, and both nodded.

“Bring beer too! This is not a topic one discusses sober” 

 

______________

 

“And then my mom was like ‘Daniel-ah! You can’t make your final school presentation a rap!’. Joke’s on her tho, my teachers loved it. Graduated with honors and all!” Goaded Changkyun, hands on his pocket while they walked down the street to the bus stop. Kihyun offered to go with him and wait for it together, given the time of night and the inexperience the younger had on that part of town. 

“That actually sounds like a weird thing you might have done in grade school too, but with a really awkward slam poem about the water cycle or something…” reminisced Kihyun, tried to think back, but that part of his childhood was so hidden beneath the mist of his less cheerful days, that he couldn’t quite recall the good times. 

“Yeah!! I did!! You, Jooheonnie and Seokkie-hyung helped me with it. All huddled up in front of that… that old notebook. It had a drawing that made me laugh a lot, but I don’t remember what it was…”

They kept talking, absentmindedly and almost to themselves instead of each other, about simpler times. Or maybe not simpler, that wasn’t quite right in Kihyun’s mind; childhood isn’t simple, and the feelings aren’t shallow in their perception of “happiness” or “sadness", but the perspective the lack of innocence brings, added with recurrent social interactions with people that might highlight less than pleasing circumstances about the world, or about yourself, gave early childhood a sort of idealistic hue. You had no space for doubt in anything, not even yourself, because you haven’t had faced situations in which doubt was a primary response. Maybe that’s why he couldn’t remember. He hadn’t have the energy to look for things that weren’t the sole focus of the Black Dog in a long, long time.

Then, Changkyun’s voice broke the silence, and Kihyun then realized they were standing in the bus stop, in complete silence, who knows for how long. 

The Black Dog growled, low.

“Hey… hyung?” 

“Y—yeah? Is there something wrong, Changkyun-ah?”

The younger male looked at his shoes, slim arms almost stretching the pockets of his jacket a bit too harshly. He looked smaller than he was, younger, even. 

“I like this. Talking. I like talking with you. I want… can we be friends again? I know you might not think about it as a good thing but… I think you are pretty chill. You are someone I’d like to be friends with. The me now.”

The Black Dog barked, menacing. His long, foggy tail curled upwards, and Kihyun’s fist tightened inside his jacket.

“I… There’s a lot. The me you see? This is not…”

Changkyun shook his head, eyes dead on him at in a breath. His dark, expressive eyes held so much emotion, and still Kihyun couldn’t decipher what was there for him to see. 

“I know. I see. Even so, I want to.”

The Black Dog dug his paws into the flesh of Kihyun’s brain, its sharp claws opening fresh wounds on the scarred skin. 

“Changkyun-ah…”

“There’s a lot you don’t want to share. And that’s fine. I respect that, but also respect that even with all the baggage, there’s people who wants you for you. The you who keeps me company, to make sure I take the right bus. The you who bought us Starbucks even if you so clearly hated how full the store was, and took it like a champ. The you who cared about how my life had been to this point, who actually asked questions…”

“-.. That’s kinda my job?”

“Don’t interrupt me, hyung. I’m trying to be sappy here!” Protested the man, lighthearted. The Black Dog snarled at him, like a threatened beast “I like the guy in front of me who wants to tell me all the reasons my diagnostic is wrong even if it isn’t because I’m a genius and clearly better judge of character. I want you to listen to more of my music, and to sit on the couch butt naked with me and the guys and watch movies-…”

“- you lost me at butt naked. Changkyun-ah what the actual fuck?”

They looked at each other, both very tightly wound and tense.

Being butt naked watching Netflix on Minhyuk’s and Hyunwoo’s leather couch sounded like a nightmare, but also low-key like the best summer evening. So he laughed, because it was so ridiculous.

Changkyun, in turn, protested indignant.

“I’m trying to be serious here, hyung!!”

“You can’t be possibly be ‘seriously’ proposing me to watch movies while platonically naked on a couch. I draw a line Changkyun, and that’s like, from here to, I don’t know, Tokyo, far. A whole sea too far, Kkukkungie”

The youngest male smiled then, and shrugged.

“What’s a bit of dick and ass between friends?”

“Ok, stop. I don’t wanna know. Holy shit, Jooheon’s mom knows what you do with his son???”

“No, and if you want me not to tell your coworkers you used to sing Disney Princesses Songs un ironically, she never will”

They looked at each other again and grinned.

And for a second, even if The Black Dog wasn’t silent and confused as he was with Minhyuk, Kihyun didn’t find it in himself to care about his nasty barks.


	9. Blossom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kihyun had the feeling he wasn't hyung material. He wasn't kind and had a tendency to be bitter and angry. He nagged like crazy and people avoided him because of it. 
> 
> But three people had referred him as suck the last month.
> 
> And then Hoseok happened. 
> 
> Minhyuk just wished he could be more useful, but maybe just being there was goo enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well hello there!
> 
> Just a few things:
> 
> 1) the seven accounts of twitter thing is true. I have seven. I use them to monitor worldwide news and topics. No, I'm not insane, I just struggle with not knowing.
> 
> 2) The bar scene actually happened to me, but I was the Hyungwon back then, just awkwardly hanging around and trying to make the lovable doofus I have as friends to handle their shit.
> 
> 3) I hope you enjoy!!!!

Chapter 9/ Blossom

 

“Got a date?” 

Kihyun looked over his shoulder at a grinning Jeonghan, and he had to talk himself out of hitting him with his empty coffee cup. His smile was creepy.

“Why do you ask?” He retorted, not keen on engaging in such a personal topic with his coworker, even if it was a coworker he kinda liked. Kinda. Some times. Not today, though.

“You are wearing skinny jeans, ankle boots and a leather jacket. That’s classic date fashion if you ask me” pointed out the younger male, sitting besides Kihyun on an empty stool they often carried around the office due to the lack of space between cubicles “Also, you are wearing a shit ton of eye liner” 

Kihyun sighed, opting for giving Jeonghan a straight answer. If he kept on working, the evil creature that was Yoon Jeonghan was never going to leave him alone. He was going to pester with more insistence, and he might be evil enough to drag some of his other coworkers into his schemes. So, he took a deep breath and said:

“No, not a date. Some…” he tested the word on his tongue, the feel of its curl so foreign in his mouth, and yet, he pushed it out, bitterly “… some friends and I are going to the movies. And then food. I guess. Haven’t asked yet.”

Jeonghan’s left eyebrow rose, regarding him with an incredulous expression.

“I thought I was your only friend, have you been cheating on me??” He asked, clutching his pearls like the drama queen he was “I’m not good enough of a dongsaeng and that’s why you replace me?”

Kihyun was slightly taken aback, and tried very hard to not let it show. Sure, Jeonghan and him were closer in age, and they went put for drinks once in a while, like normal coworkers do to bond, but… were they friends? The concept was so far removed from Kihyun’s brain, because friendship meant truthfulness and, honestly, he had been anything but in his approach to his work relations. But… Jeonghan saw them as friends.

“It’s high school people, and a very recent development at that…?” He answered unsure of how to express the situation without going into much detail.

Jeonghan acknowledged his answer with a hum, and smirked.

“Still, nice clothes. You look less like a church-boy and more like a stunning young man ready to chase after dick. A good look, ten out of ten would flirt with if I was single”

Kihyun let his forehead drop into the table with a soft thud.

“That’s not suited for the office, Jeonghan-ah!”

“The perks of being an intern” he shrugged “people just scold me and let me off the hook quite often”

Kihyun sighed, deeply, and gave the man a slight smile.

“You need a filter”

“You too! I don’t know how you manage seven separate Twitter accounts at the same time. That’s crazy. One account with proper filters works the best.”

Kihyun shrugged.

“I analyze data. That’s what I do. I’d rather have six or seven accounts divided by theme than just one, very unorganized one.”

“Neurotic” muttered Jeonghan, and Kihyun smirked, nudging the young man away. 

“Well, I need to stuff to be printed and given to the boss, because if I wait more time, I’ll really get all neurotic on you. So, dear intern, it’s time to make yourself useful”

The man pouted, but one pointed look from Kihyun let him know it wasn’t negotiable. 

“I still will find out who the mystery man is, Yoo Kihyun-hyung!” He stage whispered, making sure that Soyou, from human resources, heard him from her position on the aisle. 

Kihyun hit his head against the table once again.

“‘Hyung?’”

 

___________

 

Minhyuk was nervous, that much was evident to the common passerby. To someone a bit more initiated on dealing with him, would notice he was more on the anxious realm, with how his leg bobbed up and down, while his lips pursed and thinned with the slight movement from his facial muscles. When he was nervous, he just bobbed his leg. If his facial expressions were compromised, it meant he was feeling a tad bit less comfortable, or that the topic which had him struggling was meaningful to him on a level he wasn’t quite keen on sharing with his fellows.

And he wasn’t, keen on sharing, I mean. He was uncomfortable, yes, but the reason for such a feeling escaped him. He rationally understood that his anxiousness came from a very legitimate place: this was going to be the second time he brought Kihyun along a friendly outing. Luckily for them, it was just Hyunwoo, Hoseok, Hyungwon and himself, so it had to be more manageable, or at least there wasn’t going to be a moody Jooheon pouting like the bring baby he was. It was a blessing in disguise that the both of them had to travel said weekend, and therefore, they could have the chance to bring the group together. Hyunwoo wasn’t going to dinner with them afterwards either, because he had a date the next day and the big baby couldn’t handle having dark circles under his eyes before going out with his precious soon-to-be girlfriend. 

So, it was going to be easy to handle the situation. Just a four set table and dinner between friends. Nothing major, right? It had to work, right? 

Kihyun wasn’t going to panic, right?

[Minhyuk never wanted to hurt people. He hated pain, and he hated wronging others, no matter the circumstances he was faced with. Even at his short seventeen years of life, he knew he wasn’t cut for fighting, nor was he cut for violent sports or rough play. He enjoyed the arts, acting and singing. He was a sensitive soul in his own right, and he made sure he was enjoyable and fun for everyone, always the mood maker, the class clown; he wanted people to like him and was sure everyone, or mostly everyone did. 

So, why did Yoo Kihyun always seemed to get on his wrong side? 

The boy never got his good intentions. He never saw how much Minhyuk wanted to make him part of the situation, give everyone good memories to remember their time on high school by. No, the little prick was always the sour bean in their interactions as a class, and was always the one who pointed out unimportant circumstances that never were going to happen to them. For example, the discussion they had a few days back: Kihyun was being so very bitter about the “improper organization of their last class trip” and everyone groaned in response, because it was impossible to miss the train back from a class trip with fifteen minutes of safety time, Kihyun, everyone wants to go to the beach and even if the travel time is about twenty minutes in the map, it was bound to be shorter, like your height. And Minhyuk was always the one who told him to lighten up, to be less anal about everything. 

But the shorter male never was. He was just so focused on bringing everyone’s mood down, that in the end even the lurkers began to doubt their plan. Just because Kihyun didn’t understand that fifteen minutes was time enough to get from the beach to the train station. Because Kihyun was the kind of person who would stand, bored out of his mind, on the station for hours, before having fun. Because he didn’t understand fun.

It frustrated Minhyuk to no end. That someone so talented and bright was also such a spoilsport. He could enjoy singing for everyone on the beach, with his impressive voice, but no. He just chose to be a mean wet blanket whose chin because all rugged and walnut-like when he pouted, and pressed a frown down his eyebrows, making him look like an ugly lab rat, instead of a fluffy hamster. It was like he didn’t see himself, like he didn’t understand how much of an asset to their class he was, and like he chose to be disliked. 

No matter what Minhyuk did to be liked and followed by said rodent-look-alike, the young man just pushed him further away, calling him mean names and being downright rude without a reason. Minhyuk just wanted to be friends and have fun. But no, in his endless bitterness, Kihyun chose to dislike him and everyone else in the process. He had everything to be one of the popular kids - his face was very pleasant, even for a straight dude like him to notice - and if he focused the kindness he pushed into the teacher, right at his peers, the kid would have been unstopable. 

The things Minhyuk would do with his talent and brain, the list was endless. 

The things he wanted to do with Kihyun were endless too.]

Minhyuk sighed, running a hand down his face and tried to beat down that part of his brain that insisted on going back to the past. Nothing was going to change how wrong he had been about life since, like, the beginning of times, nor was it going to change how wrong he had been about Kihyun and his reactions. How wrong he was about himself. 

Many say that youth is precious, that it’s great and the best years of their life. Others say the same about college years. Maybe it was a cultural and generational thing, but if you asked Minhyuk, his best years started just before he finished his career and started working part time. He had good, stable friends, good relationship with his parents - teenager rebellion and young adult pride long forgotten - and a very pleasant knowledge about his own issues. Maybe not pleasant, but comprehensive enough that he had the opportunity to work on them and actually make a change.

So, where did Kihyun fit? One of his biggest regrets, one of his biggest shames? Had they met in college, was that Minhyuk mature enough to have helped a less wounded Kihyun? He doubted it. He doubted it in regards of his own capabilities, and he doubted it in regards of Kihyun’s own comprehension of who he was and what was going on in his brain. 

So, embracing age, maturity and enough money to go to the movies without wondering what he was going to eat for the next week, he smiled to himself and texted the happy couple, asking if they were already on position. 

 

___________

 

Life was weird, if you asked Hyungwon. Like, it was meaningless, if you really thought about the important aspects of it, and still then, humanity struggled with teeth and nails to grasp even the most absurd sense of belonging they could get their claws on. It wasn’t like he was a pessimist, or a nihilist. Not at heart at least, but enough knowledge about business and some economic studies, alongside a very lucrative, but dirty modeling career , had given him insight enough to understand that sometimes, life was just that. Life. Everything else was some human construct that was shoved down the people’s throats to give them something to focus on. A very poor semblance of control over something so utterly unimportant. 

Maybe that’s why he was so attracted to starry eyed, optimistic and lovable Hoseok. Maybe that was why he didn’t despise overly energetic and happy Minhyuk, or kind and warm Hyunwoo. Maybe that’s why he didn’t find Jooheon’s passions annoying, or Changkyun’s weirdness dislikable. 

And maybe that’s why when he didn’t like Kihyun, who was in essence so similar to himself. 

The first time he saw the guy, he immediately got it. Kihyun had the face of someone who understood the world just in the same wavelength himself did, but at the same time, was burdened with actual enough fucks to give and not enough hours of blissful sleep to cope. As far as Hyungwon was concerned, Kihyun was in pain because he couldn’t cope with the unhopeful finality of his own perception. He remembered being like that. 

What he didn’t remember, sadly, was the way he got over it. He just didn’t really felt affected, one day, and he wasn’t conscious enough of the process, to pin point exactly the moment everything shifted. 

So yeah, standing on a cold street waiting for the little fucker to arrive while Hoseok and Minhyuk got sweets and drinks and avoided facing reality, and Hyunwoo kept them from blowing money they didn’t have in useless stuff like movie-related combos and memorabilia. They were so lucky Hyungwon hated crowded spaces too, specially crowded cinemas that reeked of stale butter and way too much bitter sugary soda to be enjoyable. He’d rather wait for someone he didn’t know outside in the cold than stand the people inside.

Looking around, he spotted the lean journalist on the other side of the road. If it wasn’t for his very noticeable colored hair and puffy, round cheeks that peaked over his scarf, he would have missed him. He looked like the clothes were wearing him, with how puffy his jacket and scarf were, but he looked less ridiculous than someone shorter would. Waving his hand to signal his presence to the guy, he saw how Kihyun’s eyes lightened up in recognition, before bowing slightly. The crossing light switched and they were alas in front of each other. Hyungwon smiled awkwardly, before bowing his head. 

“Chae Hyungwon-ssi” he greeted him, bowing once again “Shall we go inside?” Asked Kihyun, his cheeks pink.

“Nah, Hoseok-hyung is going to text me when is time to go. I hate crowded places and cinemas smell like shit” he explained “but you are free to go inside if you think you can handle it, Kihyun-ssi”

The man looked him over, his face unreadable for a few seconds before he resorted to stand beside Hyungwon, back resting against the building. Silence breached between them, even if they were so close, and usually the model wasn’t one to feel awkward in quiet situations, but he felt the obligation to interact with the stingy journalist for his boyfriend. 

“How was work?” He asked, without looking at the journalist.

“Not interesting enough to retell, yours?”

“Modeling isn’t really as interesting as people make it out to be. But if you are asking me about my classes, they were fine”

He felt the man move besides him, and from the corner of his eye, he could see he was facing him now.

“Still a student, huh? Are you that young?” He asked, but not rude, even if his words could be taken as such.

Hyungwon shook his head.

“Just about a year younger than you guys” he answered and wasn’t sure if he should share more about himself, when Kihyun had avoided to do so for such a long time.

“I see…” he answered, lamely, and resumed his previous position, facing the street “what are you majoring in?”

Biting his lower lip, Hyungwon felt a bit awkward answering that. Most people looked at him and didn’t quite see him to be fit for his major. 

“Business” 

“Just as Minhyuk, then, huh?” He asked, but probably didn’t expect an answer because he started talking just a second afterwards “I’m surrounded by business majors. Maybe I chose my major wrongly back then” he added, and Hyungwon could hear the amusement between his words.

“Who else, besides Minhyuk?”

“My father is a business man, for starters. But my ex boyfriend and most of the college acquittances I knew because of him were also BM. Now, Minhyuk and you, Hyungwon-si. It’s a bit like a curse, but it helps a lot in my line of work, so I’m not complaining”

“You have the business man smile down, for starters. That’s like a rite of passing between people in our field”

Kihyun snorted.

“I perfected it before I even started college, thank you very much”

His phone rumbled inside his pocket and with one swift motion, he took the thing out. Hoseok. Reincorporating himself from his position against the wall, he signaled the cinema’s door with his head and Kihyun nodded along, hands still inside his pockets and both went inside the building, silence less heavy, but still riddled with the uneasiness of a new relationship.

 

_____________

 

The movie was utter crap. So crappy in fact, that Kihyun wondered why the director even bothered with the project when not even the actors believed what they were filming in the first place. If Kihyun were in the Arts department of his job, he would have a whole new article ready before tomorrow talking about how bad the movie was.

Minhyuk, on the other hand, thought it was a master piece.

“It was supposed to be crappy as fuck! That’s the charm!!” He exclaimed, excited like a child, a bounce in his voice and feet.

Hoseok snorted, his eyes filled with amusement.

“You and the rappers are the only ones that enjoy such movies, Minhyuk…”

Kihyun trailed behind for a bit, analyzing how Hyunwoo laughed when Minhyuk made a poor rendition of the main character - even poorer of a job, if the actors work was anything to get by - at challenging Hoseok to a duel. They looked so comfortable with each other, and were so unapologetically themselves even if people around them were glaring at their antics. He cringed inwards, uncomfortable. The Black Dog was lurking, silent, but his presence ready to act up.

Soon, he felt Hyungwon lag besides him, too.

“I can’t stand the ruckus. Why do they have to grab attention wherever we go?” The tall lanky man complained. Kihyun felt his chest fill with kindred dread.

“If this is going to be like this every time, I’d rather hide in my apartment and never leave”

“Can I join? I don’t make noise, just sleep”

Kihyun looked at him, confused.

“Do you want to ditch your boyfriend?”

“I’m always ditching him when he gets like this. I get second hand embarrassed easily” 

“Should we ditch them?”

“I’m down. Where do you live?”

“HEY!!” Minhyuk protested, and both of them almost jumped out of their skin, Kihyun noted the Black Dog flinched alongside them and almost felt as sympathetic for it as he felt towards Hyungwon “No ditching us, you evil creatures of hell!!! We are going to eat together!!! The only one allowed to bail is Hyunwoo-hyung and that’s because he needs to get his act together and actually ask noon out!”

“For fuck’s sake, Minhyuk. Shut the fuck up” Kihyun groaned, hand going to pat his ears, and noted how Hyunwoo actually gave Minhyuk a soft slap on the back of his head “Hyungwon-ssi and I wouldn’t be considering bailing out of here if you guys had, I don’t know, an ounce of respect for the rest of us” 

Hoseok pouted when Hyungwon nodded besides him.

“I’m with the tiny hyung in this”

Kihyun regarded the tall man for a second, before fixing his eyes back on the floor, tuning Minhyuk’s complains out. For the longest time, he never felt like the kind of person who could have been a good “hyung” to people. He was far too bitter, far too preoccupied with unimportant stuff and prone to nagging about said stuff, so most potential dongsaengs avoided him like the plague. In the last month, he had been made aware of at least three people who regard him as a “hyung” - Jeonghan, Changkyun and now Hyungwon - personally, not swayed by the heat of the moment or pressed by prior experience - Changkyun was an odd one in this aspect, but Kihyun was sure the boy wouldn’t use any honorifics with him if he didn’t feel like it, or if he didn’t feel like it was appropriate to define their relationship by them.

Hyunwoo bid his goodbyes just around the corner of the street the bar they were heading to was. He looked sheepish when he nodded towards Kihyun, but he tried his best to give him a reassuring smile. He failed, but not because he was insincere in his approach, but because his face was half hidden under his wool scarf that made him look even shorter, but was warm and comfortable, so he wore it often. Hoseok and Hyungwon had resorted to walk together to the bar close enough for people with trained eyes - and an acute gaydar - to notice they weren’t just friends, but inconspicuous enough that more conservative ones didn’t even bat an eye at their proximity. 

So, Minhyuk resorted to walk besides him.

“Did you have fun, in the movie? Even if you hated it?”

Kihyun looked up at him.

“What makes you think I hated it?”

“Please, I could hear your tongue clicking every time a scene changed. You can’t fool me, Kihyun-ah”

The journalist shrugged.

“Could have been worst. But I’m going to talk to the arts department so they can write a commentary on it. Preferably one that highlights how dreadful its portray of Joseon’s customs were.”

“I often forget you are a journalist”

“Eh? Why?” He asked, honestly curious. But the Black Dog reacted, filling his stomach with its weight, and Kihyun wasn’t aware what brought that reaction, but he felt how heavy the air had become, unprovoked.

Minhyuk kept silent for a few seconds, but then they reached the bar and somehow, between getting rid of their layers of heavy clothing and getting comfortable with the temperature of the place, the topic had been dropped, even before starting. Kihyun wanted to file it for another time, but the Black Dog growled at the thought. He took a deep breath and steadied himself for another dinner. 

Holy shit, another dinner. 

They sat on a table this time. Kihyun and Minhyuk on one side, and Hyungwon and Hoseok on the other. Uncomfortably he noted that Hoseok wanted to sit in front of him, but Hyungwon took the chair out of his grasp in one swift motion and sat down.

“My legs and Minhyuk-hyung’s always bump against each other when we sit in front of each other. Shorties should understand and let us spread them to our leisure”

“That’s what he said” mumbled Minhyuk and Hoseok snorted, covering his mouth with both hands, drowning a fit of giggles.

Huh, so Changkyun was not joking. Hoseok actually enjoyed that poor attempt at humor. 

The menu was weird, Kihyun noted at first glance. It was like the place didn’t have an identity of its own, like they just slapped whatever they thought would sell well and call it a day. Even the drinks menu was weird, mixing types of alcohol all over, with bright and dark colors contrasting so harshly, his eyes hurt.

“This menu is atrocious” he complained, letting it fall on the table. 

“Why? I mean, it’s ugly but…” asked Hoseok, confused. Hyungwon snorted, while lazily reading the thing over.

“The colors clash. It has no identity and has that ‘I don’t care if food is going to be mediocre’ vibe. No chef would be an expert on all these types of food. I actually doubt they have one, in all honesty. It looks like a high school kid fever dream of a bar” 

Minhyuk snorted, snickering like a hyena.

“Only you would make such an essay out of a bar’s menu, after a shitty movie you referred as “dreadful”. Tell me, Kihyun-ah, are you secretly a literature major and had to settle for a journalism job because no one had the patience to read your novels?”

Kihyun frowned at Minhyuk, and he heard Hoseok inhale a sharp breath, holding it inside his chest in a tense second. He reckoned such a commentary would have hurt him, once.

He reckoned such a commentary drove him to madness once.

“Like you can talk when you have no talent to name your brand and have to use my contacts to help you out” He retorted without missing a beat. For a second, he thought it might be too much, it might be too angry, too mean. Too much like his former self, too much like the Kihyun that didn’t put so much effort in being pleasant, even if Minhyuk destroyed such walls with his mere presence.

But then he saw the amused glint behind the man’s eye. The bright amusement and the far too wide smile.

“Touchè” 

Hoseok deflated on his chair, and Hyungwon snickered prettily, because he was pretty and his stern model features softened and rounded up when he laughed. Kihyun decided he didn’t feel as intimidated. 

“Yo, why are you laughing???” Asked Minhyuk, still grinning “You should defend us, Wonnie!! Your boyfriend’s pride is on the line!!”

“What pride? He actually cried while watching The Greatest Love. He is cancelled”

“Yah!! Woonie!!!” Protested Hoseok, hiding his face in his hands, looking even bulkier and stronger when he curled over himself.

Kihyun snorted, hand going over his mouth to hide his laugh. He coughed once, twice, but found his smile didn’t dwindle. 

“He actually cried and held Changkyun for like five hours after we watched Spirited Away too. He didn’t shut up about Haku for at least two whole months.”

Hoseok glanced at him and pouted. 

“Oh, hush you. Like you didn’t”

“I don’t cry. I’m a shark”

Minhyuk lost it, and started laughing loud and clear, Hoseok close behind. Hyungwon snorted, also covering his mouth. Kihyun wanted to be offended, but he found himself far too amused to do so. For the first time in a while, his amusement drowned his doubts. But not his anxiety when he noted the dirty looks they were getting once again. Carefully, he untangled his legs, and got a foot out to nudge Minhyuk’s. The man stilled a bit, still snickering, and regarded him with an amused smile. Kihyun jerked his head in the direction of the less entertained people and frowned. The tall man looked over and pouted, but kept on silently laughing. But before Kihyun could get his foot away, Minhyuk’s trapped it under his own. 

“That was fun” groaned Hoseok, popping his shoulders just before the waiter came and took their order. They just got the first thing on the menu, and soju, because neither of them could be bothered after Kihyun’s less than favorable’s read. 

They sat in silence again, and Kihyun’s Black Dog was restless, but not agressive. He was hyper aware of his surroundings, but not enough for it to cling to one situation in particular and dig into his brain to bring attention to it. And even if it wanted to, Minhyuk’s foot kept him grounded, like the first time. 

Unlike the first time, Hyungwon was actually a silent support. Even if the man was slightly snarky, he was a cutie in his own right, and very shy. Most of his snark came from being just as uncomfortable as he was, and even if his words were harsh and apparently mean, after a few minutes of just unwinding and listening to Hoseok’s and Minhyuk’s banter, he softened his edges, smiling. Kihyun noted that even if they were similar in the noise range department, and neither enjoyed unwanted attention, the other man was far too fond of his boyfriend and friend to actually care. The perks outweighed the shame, Kihyun decided, after a few seconds. 

What he didn’t expect was the effect soju could have on them. While Minhyuk looked fresh and unbothered by it, Hoseok was already flushed down to his neck after the first shot. Hyungwon also looked fine, but his cheeks were a soft shade of cherry pink. Kihyun himself wasn’t one to drink, and when he asked not to participate, no one pushed. But they had pushed for the food. Oh they did. Minhyuk got him a full plate before he could even chose what to pick, and Hyungwon, had called him a coward when he tried to avoid going for the spicy kimchi they ordered. So, food was a requirement, but not alcohol. Kihyun could live with that, he supposed. 

What he couldn't live with, was a tipsy Hoseok pointing at him with his chopsticks, a slight wobble to his stance after the second shot.

“You are too thin. That’s not good. You always were tiny but now it’s not pretty. You had the best cheeks! I miss those cheeks!” He protested, pouting. Hyungwon snorted, giving his boyfriend a pat on his back “Woonnieieie! Tell Kihyun-ah! Tell him his cheeks were pretty when full!”

“How the fuck would I know that?” He asked, so very amused. Kihyun tensed slightly, and Minhyuk’s steady rub on his leg. Up and down, like his stomach churn. But one was bitter and unpleasant, the other warm and comforting, but he was confused; unable to decide which was which, because for the longest time he found comfort in pain, that Minhyuk’s grounding caresses felt like fire. The Black Dog howled, but it was like the fire kept him away from the front row of his brain. 

“But he was!! Tell him Minhyuk! Tell him how pretty were his round cheeks!!”

“Dude, lay off the soju” laughed Minhyuk, taking the bottle away “for having such a big top, you sure are a light weight”

“Please, him a top? Spare me” joked Hyungwon.

“I was talking about his upper body size, but if you want to make this about sex, please, go on. I always enjoy dirty details~~~”

Kihyun sighed, annoyed.

“Your boyfriend is a literal model and you are coming for my size??” He snarled under his breath, but Hoseok managed to catch that.

“There it comes! Meanie Kihyun talking to me like I don’t know shit!”

 

______________

 

Minhyuk felt dread pooling on his stomach. He knew Hoseok was a bitter bitch when he wanted to be, but he thought the guy had been on the same boat as he was. He thought Hoseok got it, how insecure and hyper aware of his faults Kihyun was, how much effort it got for them to be there, for them to enjoy the evening. But no, his bitter ass had to start drinking and got all too emotional and pushy and annoying. He looked over at Hyungwon, but the models face was unreadable, as it often was when he got uncomfortable. 

Kihyun was eerily stiff, like he was about to snap.

“What is that supposed to mean, Hoseok-ssi?” The shorter male asked, carefully.

God Fucking Damn.

“Now you got back to ‘ssi’?? I’m Hoseok-hyung! I’m your hyung! Don’t act like we don’t know each other!!” The bulkier one protested. 

“Do we? Do we really?” Kihyun retorted, his voice steady and cold. Minhyuk’s foot stilled on his calf, applying a bit of pressure, and all it got was stern resistance from Kihyun’s muscles. 

“We grew up together. We were friends. Friends!! And I’m worried about you!”

“Your worries are unfounded, Hoseok-si. Focus them at someone who actually would benefit from such sentiment. I do not”

“Eh, guys…?” Minhyuk tried, but when looking over at Hyungwon, he saw the younger’s lips move. 

’No’, they said ‘Let them’ they showed him. So he stilled again, looking between Hoseok and Kihyun in unconcealed worry.

Hoseok laughed bitterly, grabbing Hyungwon’s drink in one motion and drowning it all. Hyungwon frowned, angrily. But at least there wasn’t more alcohol on the table that Hoseok could reach to, so that was a win.

“You always treat me like I’m stupid. Like I don’t know shit”

“I’ve never once in my life have thought you were stupid Hoseok-ssi. But now I’m close to doing so”

“Stop with the ‘ssi’!!!” The man wailed, hands two tight fist over the table “I’m the same Hoseok you have known for half your life! Stop it!!”

“What I’m supposed to call you then, when we are barely acquittances right now?”

Minhyuk wanted to bang his head on the table so bad. He wanted to gather Kihyun and Hoseok on his arms and force them to hug this out, to cry it out and be friends again. He wanted to help so badly, but he couldn’t. He knew he couldn’t. A hug full of poison was not what they needed. They needed to spit it out, they needed to be mean, so they could be kind again. 

Kihyun sighed, his whole body unable to support his weight and he let his head back on the chair.

“I’m tired of this, Hoseok. Please stop. We got this over with years ago.”

“Clearly we didn’t”

[Hoseok felt cold. It was weird to feel cold when it was so hot on the outside. But the freezing haze that filled his body came from within, from the dread he felt. For how lonely he was. For how cold Kihyun’s eyes were.

How deep that disappointment stabbed. 

“They treat you like shit and you don’t get it, Hoseok-hyung. You don’t have to act like a dick just to be liked! Screw them!”

And fear. So much fear.

“They aren’t half bad Kihyun-ah. If you gave them a chance, you’ll see…”

“The same chance those oversized monkeys gave me when they tossed me into the trash container?”

Dread. Cold ice in the form of words.

“They do it because they are amused of your reactions”

Cold in the form of angry laughs.

“Oh! So I’m the problem?? I’m the one that has to change???? I’m the one abusing them with my attitude???”

“If you just weren’t so… so angry…!”

Cold, in the shape of tears.

“Aha. Ok Hoseok. That’s how things are, right? Go to your friends. Clearly I’m not worth your time”

Cold, in the space between.

“No! Kihyun-ah! That’s not what I meant!”

“But that’s exactly what you meant! I’m not weak, Hoseok. I won’t give in to stop the teasing. I hate them far too much to give them the satisfaction of wining”

“Well, that’s your problem…”

Wrong. Wrong.

The space grew far too big, and Hoseok didn’t know how to reach out anymore.

And Kihyun never even tried to.]

Minhyuk watched how both of them grew silent, the breach between their bodies so tiny in comparison to the void their hearts wore. It was painful to watch, and he wanted to cry for them, for all the unsaid words, for how much care he could sense, and how much of it drowned trying to reach the other. 

Hyungwon sighed, and took one of Hoseok’d hands, prying them open slightly, and caressing his palm. Nimble fingers traced a patter.

“Tell him what you have told me, Hoseok…” he muttered, his eyes fixed on his boyfriend, warm stone, like those used in massages. So very sturdy, but so caring too. Minhyuk held his breath.

Kihyun’s head hung low, awkward backwards angle was surely hurting him, and didn’t even move when Hoseok’s pained sob broke through the silence.

“I’m sorry, Kihyun-ah” he sighed softly, uncertain, vulnerable “I… I’m sorry”

Kihyun snorted slightly, and reincorporated himself, eyes grey. 

“Me too. For caring”

Hoseok winced and drew a breath in.

“I never… I just… I wanted so bad for us to be happy? And… and I thought happiness was there, if we just swallowed our pride and went along with everything…”

“Yeah, it worked for you”

“Yeah…” he sighed softly “Yeah it did” and then came the tears. Silent, full.

Minhyuk stared at them trying to find words that could help, but in reality such bitterness was something he couldn’t swallow for them, no matter how much he wanted to. 

And then, Kihyun got up. And without giving them any time to react, he crouched right besides Hoseok, taking a handkerchief out of his crisp white shirt breast pocket. It was just as white, and he gave it to him silently. 

The bigger male blinked, still blinded by tears, and took the cloth, his hands shaking like leafs in Fall. He pressed it against his eyes and smiled, his lips quavering slightly.

“You always had one in High School too”

Kihyun sighed.

“Yeah”

“You always gave it to me like this when I cried”

“Yeah”

“Why do you care?”

“Never stoped”

Silent befell them. Minhyuk and Hyungwon shared a look, and both of them tried so hard to keep it together too. Minhyuk could see it in his younger friends eyes. He wanted to hug his boyfriend and comfort him, but he held himself back, as much as Minhyuk did for Kihyun. 

What that said about their relationship, Minhyuk didn’t want to think about.

“Kihyun-ah…” rasped Hoseok, lowering the handkerchief, eyes fixed on the male who was crouching besides him “I missed you, so much. You were my best friend”

Kihyun held the eye contact for a heartbeat, face unreadable, and then he sighed, eyes unhappy, but not the Dog-kind-of-unhappy, Minhyuk noted. 

“Me too. Now stop crying, you big baby, and cuddle your boyfriend. I expect my handkerchief to be professionally cleansed by the next time we meet”

“Now you are just being mean” 

“Chop chop, motherfucker, and go to your boyfriend, my knees hurt”

Minhyuk drew a breath, and muttered.

“That was what he said…” 

Kihyun’s head banged so hard against the table in an unexpected laugh, that the glasses tinkered and the plates rumbled. 

Minhyuk’s heart stirred.


	10. The Sound of Your Touch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A new stage of Minhyuk's and Kihyun's relationship starts, but while the first one is filled with dread, Kihyun is hopeful.
> 
> Also, Yoongi makes an astonishing return and gains Minhyuk's professional respect, and personal dislike.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not going to say much, this chapter was supposed to go with the last one, but I didn't want a 20 page long chapter to be posted, so, two chapters it is.
> 
> ENJOY and don't hate me! I promise Minhyuk's pain is going to be worth it!

Chapter 10/ The Sound of Your Touch

 

Kihyun was interested in politics. It wasn’t like he “really” liked them - he doubted there was a person on earth that actually, emotionally, enjoyed them - but he found enough material in political rhetoric and every day scandals to build a prolific career in that field of study. Even if he liked idol gossip, and was very interested in other fields of journalism - photography and event covering both - he found himself always back at the topic he excelled so evidently in. Maybe it was because he didn’t have a political position that could considered radical in any sense - he considered himself more on the conservative side for his everyday life and values, but didn’t mind being labeled as a liberal around other topics - or maybe because he was easy to talk to and a decent listener. In any case, people liked to be interviewed by him, and he had a very sharp mind went it came to analyze data and read between lines.

That didn’t mean election time wasn’t stressful.

Since his college years, he had found himself covering such events rigorously and had written countless pages on such matters - both graded or payed for, and some for his own leisure. He had always gone to press conferences, gotten enough intel on certain public officers and had good connections with people inside lower levels of the government to get at least some kind of fresh information once in a while. But being able to process said information, and actually getting it was hard. It meant a lot of work at odd hours, it meant facing the worst from certain people, and it meant he was, without a doubt, not living well enough for any other adult standards.

He knew Minhyuk was miffed enough to make one or two snappy comments when he cancelled for the second time on their weekly diners, but he couldn’t help it when there was interviews to write down and polls to analyze. Even if the politics department in the journal he worked at was big, it wasn’t big enough to cover everything without putting extra hours in their craft. Hyungwon was less over bearing, but it was a very new development to have the young model send him daily texts about anything and everything - mostly about his opinion on certain topics, like what magazine was better for which offer, but it was the persistence that baffled Kihyun most of the time -, and Hoseok only wrote when he wanted to tell him about this new thing he did at the gym, or selfies with his already mentioned boyfriend. Changkyun was no better, blowing his phone up with memes and pouty selfies. Sure, they all had stressful works - entrepreneuring and producing weren’t jobs that had a 9 to 5 policy attached to them, and they actually had to spend long hours working without any real pay off most days -, but it was slightly unfair that they were hounding Kihyun’s ass so vigorously.

The Black Dog had that part covered for them, thank you very much.

Kihyun knew enough about himself to know that whenever stressful work circumstances closed in, the Black Dog rejoiced and doubled efforts in keeping him distracted with his shit. He only found solace in work, when that happened. The blasted beats only kept silent if he was focusing on doing his actual job, because that was his livelihood and first priority. It was almost cute that they both agreed on that topic, mostly because it was the only topic they actually agreed on. 

But good old pest Lee Minhyuk didn’t find such agreement to be such a great one, not that his input in the topic had ever been requested. Kihyun had told him over and over again that this wasn’t negotiable, and that he was going to put as many hours as he wanted on this. The Black Dog, of course, agreed wholeheartedly. 

But the man was relentless. And, as the definition of “relentless” states, the man was siting in front of his apartment, hugging his messenger bag close and listening to music from his phone too loud to be comfortable for his neighbors.

“What in the name of everything good are you doing here?” Kihyun asked, unable to hide his annoyance.

“Waiting for you of course. We are having dinner” the taller man stated with a bright, slightly frozen smile, and stood up in one swift, graceful motion.

Bloody show pony. 

“It’s close to midnight, you buffon. Buses aren’t running anymore at this hour! Who the fuck eats at midnight anyways???” Complained the journalist, opening the door and not bothering in closing it before Minhyuk got in. He straightened his shoes and hanged his coat, ever so careful even if he only wanted to collapse on his couch and never get up again.

“We do, apparently. If you actually got out on time, maybe this could have been avoided, but no. Stubborn little hamster Kihyun had to stay till ass o’clock at night to oversee work he is going to modify anyways tomorrow!” Countered Minhyuk, tone heavy with accusation, even if he was trying to sound light hearted. 

“Have you been sitting down on your ass in the cold for how long?” Inquired Kihyun, changing the topic. The Black Dog growled deep at Kihyun, with big paws starting to stomp inside his head. 

“Not long. I asked Jeonghannie to text me when he left, so I could count an hour or so extra for you to actually start thinking about going home, and then I walked here while I talked with some investors on the phone. Very productive if you ask me”

That’s the other thing. Since election time started almost two weeks ago, Minhyuk had been pestering him at work too, and that meant, sadly, that he got to meet young and evil Yoon Jeonghan. Kihyun now feared for his life, because in a way he could see too much of Minhyuk in the intern, and vice versa. The two males hit it off immediatly, of course, and by the end of their lunch break, Jeonghan was almost besties with Minhyuk and had exchanged contact means. Kihyun regretted so many of his life choices till that point, that even The Black Dog couldn’t decide where to start digging. 

“If your ass hurts after that, I’m not taking responsability. Hemorrhoids treatment goes out of your own pocket, dickhead” warned Kihyun, opening his fridge with a sigh, trying to focus enough on the food and less on the stomping or on his former classmate.

“Don’t worry Kihyunnie. My ass has been through enough. It’s strong and knows well how to take a bit of a beating, if you know what I mean” he taunted, his tone teasing.

Kihyun sighed, closing the door of the fridge forcefully and taking out some ready to serve salad, kimchi, and eggs boiled before hand. Minhyuk, of course, already knew where most of his stuff were, and took plates and chopsticks out without delay.

“I don’t wanna know. Why do you guys always talk about that?”

Minhyuk laughed. 

“Because it’s funny to see your reaction, duh”

“Huh, just like when we were teenagers then. You haven’t changed a lick” he taunted back, almost snarling. 

And then he realized.

Minhyuk got silent, and even if he was seated right in front of him, and with his hands ready to dig in subpar food, he make no move and actually do so. Kihyun froze too, when the heaviness of his words hit him back. 

The Black Dog howled, and he dug his snout right on his brain, chomping away in an aggressive attack. 

Minhyuk took in a shaky breath, and sighed.

“Right. Sorry”

“Minhyuk…-“

“No, it’s ok. I’m sorry”

“You know that’s not what I meant”

“What did you mean, then?”

The Black Dog howled, as if it was in pain too, and Kihyun had to take his pride and stuff the thing with it. Because it wasn’t about either of them. 

“I… You aren’t. Like before. I could retort like that because you aren’t”

Minhyuk hummed in response, playing with his chopsticks without touching the food. Kihyun cringed internally, and kept going.

“I’m sorry. That was uncalled for. I… I… It… it helps. You know? It helps being able to taunt you too. It doesn’t feel like we aren’t— I mean… we are equals right now. And that was a bad joke. I’m sorry. Truly. God I’m such a dic—“

“Hey…” murmured Minhyuk, his foot coming to rest close to Kihyun’s calf, and he pressed back, not to shove him away, but welcoming the light contact “It’s ok. I… I know I’m not that different…”

“But you are. There’s not malice… I don’t feel any malice anyways…”

Both kept silent for a while longer, and then Minhyuk looked up and reached his hand out to touch Kihyun’s. He willed himself not to tense, and was mostly successful. The Black Dog tried to bark back, but Minhyuk’s touch was very distracting. Kihyun felt at peace, in a way, even if his stomach churned and his eyes were heavy with sleep.

“You get mean when you don’t rest…” he said, softly “That’s why I’m here. I know that you are accustomed to this way of life, but it’s not healthy. Could you come home sooner, for me? Please…” he begged.

Kihyun’s chest clung painfully inside his ribcage and the Black Dog heaved, like it was sick.

“I… I don’t…”

“Just… just work on what you have to. Get a planner. I get that this is the busiest time for you but I… I like and miss this. Don’t make me miss it and get unaccustomed to your sharp retorts. I still think you hate me, from time to time…”

Kihyun stilled slightly, pondering over that statement for a while. Did he hate Minhyuk? 

If he did, what was going on in his life that the only person who cared enough to join him for dinner was this one?

The Black Dog growled too loud, his whole body trembled and actually feared Minhyuk heard it too, when his thumb started to caress his skin.

“I don’t hate you. You…” he took in a deep breath and jumped “we are friends. We are friends Minhyuk.”

The man looked at him and smiled oh so beautifully that Kihyun’s heart missed a beat, but food was a more pressing matter, and so was sleep.

 

______________

 

Hyunwoo was actually excited to meet Kihyun’s Daegu friend, not for whatever the guy was going to tell them about their brand, not really, but because it meant connections in the long run, and it meant Kihyun trusted them enough with such knowledge.

Sure, he and the little guy weren’t friends - more like awkward but cordial acquittances at that point - but he was becoming a part of his routine, both by proxy and will, that he felt genuine curiosity to learn a bit more about the journalist from someone who could fill the gaps. 

Hoseok and Minhyuk were equally entertained by the idea, even if Hoseok still felt slight guilt because of how slow their progress had been and Minhyuk was just being his in comprehensive self by being happy and then nervous and then professional all in the course of ten minutes or so. It was fun and weird, looking at both of them and seeing the progress made the last few months (in a way, he noticed his own changes regarding his preconceptions about the young man).

(Boy could Kihyun cook. Even if he was a certified chef, he was never good with homestyle cooked food, not like his mom, so having someone like Kihyun, who excelled in that style of cooking close, all the more rewarding)

What was even more entertaining, even as they walked down the street, was the fact that Minhyuk was so nervous he actually dressed up that day. Like, he took out his best jacket and went to have his hair retouched in all his ashy blond glory. While Hoseok and himself just wore whatever they usually wore during the day - and if you asked Hyunwoo, he refused to even change from his comfy jeans because even if they were old, they were his only and true friend and not even the best marketing expert in the universe could get him out of those -, Minhyuk had stressed about half an hour to even chose from one white shirt to another. 

It was so funny to see Minhyuk infatuated and all teenager again. Even if the guy didn’t realize what he was doing. It made it all the more endearing for Hyunwoo.

They reached the cafe by foot, it being close to the bus stop that crossed from one side to the city to the other, and it was easy to catch a glimpse of Kihyun’s auburn hair. His companion was just as short as he was, from his perspective, and looked just as thin and petite. What was with young adults nowadays? No one knew about muscle building??

Minhyuk whooped a greet, voice slightly high in its pitch and Hyunwoo suppressed a snort. Oh boy.

The man stood up and bowed slightly, face set expressionless - it almost looked like Changkyun’s usual expression with strangers but not quite, because that man also got and intimidating air about him, were Kkunkkungie was just a cheeky brat - and stuck his hand out. He was wearing all black clothes, and his skin was just as pale’s as Hoseok, almost paper thin. Yet his hands were strong and firm, all long fingers and callused finger tips. Kihyun greeted them all with a slight nervous smile. After they all have greeted each other, they sat down, and Kihyun took the chance to start talking:

“Guys, this is Min Yoongi. Yoon-ah, this are Son Hyunwoo, Shin Hoseok and Lee Minhyuk. All of them went to High School with me and now have a healthy food and lifestyle brand. Please, take a seat. I’ve been showing Yoon-ah some pictures I took at the fair” the journalist explained, nodding at his computer. Yoongi nodded slightly and sat besides Kihyun.

He saw Minhyuk frown slightly, but that was almost immediately replaced by a professional grin. 

Huh.

Weird.

“Nice to meet you, Min Yoongi-ssi! It’s a pleasure to meet one of Kihyun-ah’s friends from college!” He greeted, grin broad. Min Yoongi shrugged slightly, and set his face on a loop sided smirk 

“Likewise. Hyun-ah never talked about anyone from High School, so this took me by surprise” the man answered, and Hyunwoo didn’t like his tone at all. Maybe it was the taunting edge, or maybe it was the slight drawl his deep voice had, but the only think he got from it, was that Kihyun has talked about then and not everything that was said was positive. 

The man flinched slightly, and looked at Kihyun accusatory. The journalist, in return grinned, and took the opportunity to take the word again.

“Both Hoseok-hyung and Hyunwoo-hyung handle all the production. Hoseok-huyung is a Nutritionist and Hyunwoo-hyung is a Chef. Minhyuk there handles all the work with investors and administration” he explained “I know I’ve told you this before, but it’s better to have faces attached to the issue, isn’t it?”

Yoongi rolled his eyes, smiling softly, before going bak to his neutral face.

Minhyuk moved uncomfortably on his seat besides him, but Hyunwoo still couldn’t understand why. Maybe the pants were too tight?

“As far as I’m concerned, you have a good concept going on. The logo needs more work, but without a real name, you hardly can have a good one” the man drawled, looking at the pictures again “before I start rambling about identity and mission, my name’s Min Yoongi. I work in marketing at Big Hit and with my team, we build brands and sell them to assholes who have by far more motivation than us to actually grow them”

Hoseok snorted.

“I like this one”

“You won’t like after I tear your brand to smithereens and rebuild it to my own pleasure” Yoongi retorted, smirking. 

“That bad?” Asked Hyunwoo, and could feel himself flinching.

“Nah, just teasing. As I told you. The concept and colors are good. They work well. Do you work with a designer of have done everything yourselves?”

“I’ve done a lot myself, but the logo is the work of Hoseok here” Minhyuk answered, giving Hoseok a light pat on the back “he is very art oriented”

Yoongi nodded, without glancing up from the pictures. Hyunwoo was actually impressed, because there had to be hundreds of them from the fair, and didn’t know if Kihyun had been lurking close to them for longer that they had known, or if it was just how Kihyun worked, having a lot of spare pictures to chose from.

“What does “Monsta” mean? It’s about Monster? It’s about another thing? That’s the first thing that has me confused, what is the reason for that?” Yoongi asked.

“It’s from “Mon” and “Star”. It means that the people that come to us are our own little stars and we want what’s best for them!” Minhyuk answered, so very happy and bright. He always was so confident in telling that to people, that…

Well, there it was. The cringe. Yoongi and Kihyun both cringed in unison, and Kihyun actually threw a napkin at Minhyuk.

“Holy shit, that’s the corniest piece of crap anyone had thrown my way and I live with the corniest man in the motherfucking world” muttered Yoongi, letting his head fall into Kihyun’s shoulder “Kihyun-ah, where the fuck did you find them?” He asked, but his tone was light hearted and was meant to be a joke. Kihyun gave the male a pat on his head.

Hyunwoo wasn’t too happy about that joke, but that’s why he never handled the talking. 

Sadly for them, Minhyuk wasn’t happy either.

“Corny as it is, it means we care for our costumers and put their well being and health over anything” retorted Minhyuk, voice stiff. 

He felt something collide with his leg and jumped slightly.

“Sorry” said Kihyun besides him, trying not to interrupt the nasty banter between both business men, and got his leg to go over Hyunwoo’s feet straight against Minhyuk.

Holy shit. Was this real??  
“We want to keep that. It’s the spirit of the brand” interrupted Hoseok, all defensive, with his arms crossed and pout in full display.

“And this one is a pouter. Great…” groaned Yoongi, but smiled “I like your conviction. I can work with ‘Monsta’, I was just testing you guys… if you lack conviction, then the brand will flop. Monsta is good, but be aware that it might get people to misunderstand just as I did. The colors and the whole aesthetic pushed me to think “monster” from the very beginning” the man explained, showing them the colors of their booth in the fair, all neon green, white and black “almost like a rip off of that shit drink, Monster. So, first, you have to get a way to distance yourself from that. Specially if you have the whole “gym” thing going on…”

Minhyuk slowly relaxed besides him and Hyunwoo knew it was because Kihyun’s foot was slowly going up and down his calf, or what he could reach of it. Min Yoongi, they soon learnt, was very provocative and was ready to push them in different directions. Hoseok actually struggled a lot with the conversation, too emotionally invested in their brand to actually take whatever Yoongi was dissecting at face value. But that was normal, that’s why Minhyuk handled business and was the one who took the brunt front of this kind of conversations with professionalism and an open mind.

However, today wasn’t one of those days and Hyunwoo had one little idea as to why. And it had to do with how Yoongi leaned into Kihyun every time he laughed or cringed, or how Kihyun gave Yoongi light pats on the back, or on his head. It had to do with how Kihyun put part of Yoongi’s fringe behind his ear, and how Yoongi took a bite from Kihyun’s almost untouched cake without even asking. 

Minhyuk was seething in jealousy, and what was worst, he wasn’t even aware of it.

“Hey, Hoseok, wanna help me go grab something?” He asked, trying to talk over Yoongi’s explanation about missions in a brand, and how to write a proper one because what they teach you in college is crap or whatever. Hyunwoo had long ago tuned him out.

“Yes! Please… Eh, Minnie? Do you want something?”

“No, I’m good. I can steal from Kihyun-ah, can’t I~~?” He asked, in a saccharine tone.

“Buy your own drink, you menace” bit Kihyun back. Yoongi snorted and Minhyuk’s back tensed even further.

“Eh… I’ll get you anything…” muttered Hyunwoo, standing up and avoiding hitting Kihyun’s foot while he did so. 

As soon as they were away from the table, Hoseok whispered, overly energetic:

“Do you think that Min Yoongi guy is Kihyun’s boyfriend??? They are awfully touchy!!”

He had forgotten Hoseok was a gossiper. For fuck’s sake.

“I don’t think so. Kihyun has been playing footsie with Minhyuk since the very beginning… maybe just good friends? You always said Kihyun was a touchy guy…”

“Yeah… it’s… weird? Seeing someone who knew Kihyun just when I wasn’t around. It’s like he knows another person altogether…” mumbled the body builder, looking back at the table where Yoongi was showing Minhyuk some fancy graphics, and their administrator actually took interest on what the other was saying. Kihyun just sipped his coffee, his hands hidden inside his sweater.

“Yeah, I guess” he answered, and he didn’t know what to add, because for Hyunwoo this Kihyun and the old Kihyun were just the same, but with more hours of interaction in between them. Kihyun was still nasty and overbearing, but in a way that made it lean more into the endearing side of things, instead of the annoying. Maybe Yoongi actually enjoyed having someone as Kihyun by his side.

“But still. Like, the least thing they have done is fucking. Just saying…” 

“Hoseok, no”

“But I’m just…-!”

“Stop”

 

_______________

 

Minhyuk didn’t know what was going on with him, and that annoyed him more than the cheeky asshole who has sitting in front of him. Like, who did that guy think he was? Trying to teach someone who had the same degree as him things he already knew? 

Ok, not quite. The guy was a genius and actually had a lot of interesting stuff to say about branding and new tendencies in that field. He talked about music, and color, and identity with such easiness, it made Minhyuk feel slightly out of place. And well, Kihyun.

Kihyun who was skittish and very selective of the touched he gave out. Kihyun who was also very intelligent and instrospective and gave interesting input whenever Min Yoongi got too aggressive, quelling whatever chance Minhyuk had to bite on the marketing genius bait with his soothing voice. 

Kihyun whose hand he had held a few days back and who was so reluctant to let him in at first.

They looked like lovers, and Minhyuk didn’t know why that felt so wrong. Like, watching how Yoongi clung into Kihyun while the former’s foot was still against his felt wrong. Too wrong. 

But not wrong enough to take his foot away.

“Eh… I’m sorry to interrupt but… what are you, exactly?” Asked Minhyuk suddenly. Kihyun glanced at him, weirded out.

“What do you mean by ‘what’? I can assure you I’m human, even if my wish is to be a rock” answered Yoongi, without missing a beat. Minhyuk bit the inside of his cheek.

“I mean you both… are you like, dating?”

The silence stretched for a bit, enough for Hyunwoo and Hoseok to get back with them before Yoongi started laughing, covering his mouth with the back of his hand. Kihyun got a pretty shade of baby pink, and frowned, almost in a pout.

“God no. We tried for a few years, but I then decided I liked ‘em younger and feistier” teased Yoongi, nudging Kihyun, who in turn massaged his temple.

“I don’t wanna know about your thing with Taehyung-ssi. Thank you very much, Yoon-ah. Also, are you purposefully trying to get them to misunderstand? ‘Like ‘em younger’. What a joke, he is like… a year. Tops.”

Yoongi shrugged.

“People can think whatever the fuck they want and nothing I tell them is going to get them to change their opinion of me without they working on their issues first. You are the control freak here, Kiki”

“Ugh, please spare me the horrid nickname”

Hoseok snorted, and Minhyuk actually had to go back to reality, because he was sure his brain was going into overdrive. 

“‘Kiki’? That’s too cute, what the fuck!”

“I’m going to cut your balls and serve them in a plate if you ever use that nickname, Hoseok-hyung” threatened Kihyun.

“500 won that Changkyun is going to chew the fuck out of that when I tell him” sing singed Hoseok.

“Yah!!”

Minhyuk tried hard to focus on the conversation, but his stomach churned and his hands were sweaty. He didn’t want to feel the relief he felt when Yoongi said they weren’t dating actually, but the fact that they once had, and that Yoongi was so far removed from what Minhyuk was in every sense, gave him a crippling feeling of dread running through his veins.

Kihyun liked short, pale males with a tongue as snarky as his. Who were academically impressive, just as him, and who actually seemed to be reliable. Men who had their shit together, had a stable job and that were there for him when he had gotten into the place he actually chose to be, and transformed him into the successful journalist he was. Kihyun liked deep, raspy voices that sounded like coffee grains and lonely evenings in front of a fire. 

Kihyun liked men, but he didn’t like men like Minhyuk.

Since a long time he had been struggling with not being liked by the shorter male, and reality had hit them the moment he had seen Yoongi rest his head against Kihyun’s shoulder. He always wondered why Hoseok, why Jooheon even, had been friends with Kihyun and he wasn’t. Hoseok and himself weren’t that different!! Jooheon was as clingy as he was! And yet Kihyun had chosen to dislike him long ago, and not them.

And now they were friends, even if shakily so. Minhyuk had gotten what his teenage self had wanted, right?

Well, not exactly. Because even if Minhyuk at sixteen had thought he was straight as a board, he couldn’t lie to himself any longer.

He had always liked Kihyun. And Kihyun had never liked him.

 

And never was going to.


	11. The Warmth Within

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just... fluff. That's it. Fluff and awkwardness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a my job and my boss is glaring hard because I haven't gone to get my lunch and he wants me out of the office right now... so... enjoy? hahahahaha

Chapter 11/ The Warmth Within

 

Kihyun wasn’t accustomed to have his phone blowing up. Ok, no. That’s not exactly true. For work related issues, he did, but usually it was something he could resolve with his brain, or say “I’m on my way”, whatever answer was needed to apease the circumstances. Otherwise, his phone rarely got any texts. Whenever people around him needed to contact him - be that, his parents or the rare occasion his brother needed him for something - they just called him. Got it over with pretty quickly. 

Minhyuk, however, was a texter.

Lee Minhyuk: buy snacks

Lee Minhyuk: and ice cream

Lee Minhyuk: dun be stingy

Lee Minhyuk: I want good shit

A very big, very annoying texter that was the kind who couldn’t write long sentences. Or at least not send twenty texts in less than a minute trying to convey everything he wanted to express in a succinct, precise way. 

And the worst part was that KIhyun was not even out of his work yet. He had an interview to transcribe still, and had to notify his boss he was going to a press conference held by the ruling party and after that he was going to meet a contact and… 

Deep breaths, Kihyun.

The Black Dog’s breath rumbled inside his head.

Somehow, election time had gotten even harder to navigate between accusations and some scandal regarding malversation of founds in public office by one of the candidates. That meant that Kihyun was even more focused on his job and less on keeping the pretense of being a functional human being and not just a functional cog in the machine. 

And while Minhyuk still kept pressing on him taking care of himself, the rest of his new acquittances were just as enthusiastic in keeping constant communication. For example, it was actually Changkyun the one who had been keeping tabs on his eating habits. The kid made sure to send him pictures of food relentlessly till Kihyun answered with a picture of his own meal. It had come to a point where Kihyun was spending his afternoons cooking meals he could take to work, just so the kids wouldn’t bother him too much about what he should or shouldn’t consume (and lets me honest, it wasn’t like he was the thinest of the bunch..)… On the other hand, Hoseok was starting to show interest in taking Kihyun to the gym with him, so the younger male could work on building some muscle and getting to a healthier size. Kihyun still got issues with that statement, but Hoseok’s enthusiasm on having a gym partner - because Hyunwoo didn’t actually hit the gym and was more like a sports-but-outside person and Hyungwon only trained to look good enough to be a model but didn’t let Hoseok actually mentor him around - was kinda growing on him. So yeah, Kihyun was considering his proposition. Just because Hoseok was a pouter and Kihyun was a sucker for pouty people. 

Lee Minhyuk: I know you are there

Lee Minhyuk: answer me you rat

Lee Minhyuk: don’t buy water-based ice cream either. 

Lee Minhyuk: choco chip or you are dead to me

Lee Minhyuk: I know you like your fries like that 

Lee Minhyuk: don’t lie

Still, Kihyun had to force himself not to smile when Minhyuk was being such a baby. But it was such a weird thing to Kihyun, having people text him regularly. For unimportant matters like ice cream flavor. 

Yoo Kihyun: Stop. I will buy a flavor to your liking. Also snacks. And we are not getting fries, so no need to point that out. I’m still at work and will be till I finish transcribing this interview, and if you don’t stop texting me, I won’t be able to do so. 

He turned off his phone and looked at his computer, smiling like a fool because he was so sure Minhyuk was going to be pissed he was not going to answer to his follow up texts. Looking at the document in front of him, he resumed listening to the words coming out of his recorder and, still quite content, started to work again.

 

____________

 

Minhyuk was so fucked it wasn’t even funny. 

Like, if you had a picture of Minhyuk and one of a raging forest fire, they would be one and the same, practically synonyms. Or at least that was how he felt he was after the realization that he felt a form of non platonic attraction towards Kihyun, and that both Hyunwoo and Hoseok were aware of said situation and made things so painfully difficult for him.

[Minhyuk was still feeling unlike himself when Min Yoongi and Kihyun left. They had actually worked a lot, and Hyunwoo had stepped up and assisted Minhyuk and his tied tongue for the rest of the meeting. Hoseok had been also helpful, trying to understand Yoongi and his ranting about coordination in production and outsourcing, all things that Hoseok had vague notions about, but really never actually had to confront in a working environment. In the end, they had chosen to keep the strong vibe of the brand, with his industrial aesthetic and stark colors, and had chose to keep Monsta, as their name, because of the deep meaning and attachment it had to the owners, but Yoongi had suggested a slight change in the concept. Whereas Minhyuk had been interested in making their purpose evident - by adding “health” or “nutrition” to the name -, Yoongi had suggested to keep the name of the brand as a neutral as possible, giving them the chance to branch out if they chose to do so. And so, the three owner debated among themselves for a while, choosing to wait for a bit before settling in one of the name options they had tossed around. KIhyun had looked so proud and puffy, just like a well taken care of chicken, and Minhyuk was finding it difficult not to coddle him right on the spot. 

Minhyuk wanted to be thankful to Yoongi, but, alas, he found himself feeling bitter. The guy was not only very good at what he did, he also had Kihyun’s trust and was surely staying at Kihyun’s apartment that didn’t have a guest bedroom so that left the couch or, God forbid, Kihyun’s own bed. Any conversation regarding Yoongi’s somewhat ‘disgusting relationship’ fell to deaf ears when faced with the overwhelming reality of his own feelings. And so, when both shorter males left, Minhyuk was feeling dark and fussy, ready to pout and kick any pebble in his way. Hyunwoo was, to say the least, very confused.

“Everything alright, Minhyukkie?” He asked, while Hoseok tied his oversized scarf tight around his neck to fight off the bitter cold of the night.

“Eh… sure hyung. Whatever you say…” he answered, trailing off while looking back at the retreating figures that no longer were in sight. That fact only made him pout harder.

“No part of my question should have prompted that answer. Spill, Minhyuk-ah. What’s wrong?”

Minhyuk sighed.

“Didn’t you think that Min Yoongi guy was too harsh with us? He acts like a know-it-all little cat” he mumbled. Hoseok snorted.

“He was here to be harsh. Kihyun-ah warned us about his blunt manner of speech”

“Yeah but this brand is our poly romantic baby! I won’t let a little tiny beast to bad mouth it like that… and besides that, why is a man like that friends with Kihyun-ah? They don’t look good together… like, at all. Not a lick. Well not lick, I’m sure if they were boyfriends there was licking involved… argh! no. Minhyuk noup. Anyways, I didn’t like him, but I have to admit he knows his shit, even if he is a mean, flat-face cat.”

Hoseok watched him in disbelieve and Minhyuk realized how everything that got out of his mouth sounded.

But it was Hyunwoo the one to verbalize it.

“Thank God you realized. Your unaware pinning was getting slightly annoying… now let’s work in your mean tendencies when you are jealous and maybe you will have a chance…”]

While Hoseok was being a dear about everything, he also was the very definition of a hopeless romantic and had jumped into the whole “Let’s help Minhyukkie out!” Wagon far too fast. Not that is was an unwelcome development, not at all, but Minhyuk was still not too sure in his own feelings to have his friend so ready to plan their wedding - and Hoseok was planing the damn hypothetical wedding, no matter how much he tried to deny it. That Hoseok was aware about Minhyuk’s jealousy and, subsequently, about his developing feelings for his former classmate meant that of course Hyungwon knew. And Hyungwon knowing was a hell of his own right. Because even if the guy was very caring and not as shitty as Hoseok could be with his teasing, no one who had the pleasure to meet him could deny he was, by far, the sharpest edge in the tool box. And, for Minhyuk, that meant lots of teasing. Lots of teasing. 

But his main problem was his roommate extraordinaire, his best friend of friends and co owner, Son Hyunwoo. Even if he hand’t verbalized his opinion regarding Kihyun in a very long time, Minhyuk knew it wasn’t as cool with it as he tried to present himself to be. More than anything else, the main issue was Kihyun’s very complicated relationship with himself and how it could affect Minhyuk’s own mental health. Even if Minhyuk felt so giddy about having such a caring friend, he knew that the core of Hyunwoo’s apprehensions were tragically unfounded. He was reading Kihyun’s struggles as Kihyun being somewhat broken, too caught up in his own head and a little bit too overdramatic. And sure, there could be a quota that could be met by those indicators, but in reality - or at least for Minhyuk’s, that was the only reality that mattered in this case - Kihyun was by far the most caring person he had ever met, besides Hoseok. Sure, everyone was a little in love with Hoseok’s kindness and open heart and whoever got around denying it was both blind and a liar; and sure, Hoseok had grown out of his former insecurities and developed other he could manage better, he had a good support group and got help when he most needed not to be given up on. 

Kihyun had gotten none of it.

And, to be able to smile regardless, to be able to nag about the state of Minhyuk’s hair, or feed him healthy food - and therefore getting he himself good, healthy food too - and cuddle watching a movie, was what got Minhyuk falling back to his old crush, like it had never faded. And truthfully it never did, because he had already seen the worst Kihyun could offer and still felt soft and warm next to him, playing footsie under the table and sharing little, unconscious touches. 

Hyunwoo couldn’t understand that because Hyunwoo hadn’t seen that side of Kihyun, he hadn’t experienced it himself. And maybe he shouldn’t excuse him so easily, because Hyungwon had known Kihyun for the shortest time, and had grown fond of the journalist faster than anyone, even if he acted like a brat.

In the end, Minhyuk knew time was his biggest ally. He needed time, just a tiny bit more. And maybe then he could introduce Kihyun to the series of numbers and resources he had googled and… 

Trying not to get ahead of himself, Minhyuk sighed and looked around. It was time for some good cleaning before Kihyun showed up.

_________

 

Meeting Jooheon outside of Minhyuk’s apartment was a surreal experience, specially because it was such a surprising event. Kihyun wasn’t expecting anyone but Minhyuk around - because Hyunwoo had a date and that meant he was going to be late and not around to snort at Minhyuk’s and Kihyun’s choice in movies - and the only thing he was aware of when they connected eyes, was that he hadn’t bought enough ice cream for three.

Jooheon looked as surprised as himself, so maybe it was just a funny coincidence. And maybe funny wasn’t the adjective Kihyun was looking for, because there was nothing funny about meeting Jooheon when they hadn’t had time to interact outside of that dreadful dinner party weeks, hell, months ago.

“Kihyun-hyung” greeted Jooheon, lowering his head slightly.

“Hello, Jooheon-ah” he nodded back, looking at his feet. The Black Dog grumbled back to life, stretching his back and hind legs lazily. He could feel it move, but it wasn’t raging. It was just there “Here to meet Minhyuk or Hyunwoo-hyung?”

Jooheon nodded slightly.

“Just going to give back some stuff Hyunwoo-hyung lent me…” he muttered, lips almost together in an absentminded pout “You…?”

“Ah… just… movie night with…. With Minhyuk…” he answered, aware of how much he had lowered his volume as the words rolled out of his tongue. 

Jooheon nodded, jaw set. The Black Dog growled and gave a test bark, not painful, not fully there. Just, a bark. A friendly reminder that he was there. And he was going to react. 

Kihyun swallowed hard and he could feel his Adam Apple bobbing underneath his scarf.

“Hey… Jooheon-ah?” He cringed inwards, at how soft his voice was, at how small he sounded “I… we need to talk…”

Jooheon looked at a spot just right besides his head, and hummed. The Black Dog growled again, stronger, his paws trying to dig into Kihyun’s brain, but he had to brave through it. He needed this.

“You have a date now” the rapper answered, hands heavy on his coat pockets.

“I’m not trying to suggest now”

Jooheon shifted his gaze from that spot besides Kihyun to the center of his face, eyes notoriously wary. Kihyun inhaled deeply, and tried hard to smile.

“I want to make peace. I want to apologize properly” he added, and Jooheon tensed, his whole body high strung and rooted in place.

“I…” the man choked slightly, and coughed “Sorry. I… When?”

Kihyun gave the man a loop sided smile.

“I have a free afternoon next week on this side of town, after an interview”

Jooheon nodded slowly. The Black Dog was barking, somewhere inside his head, but he couldn’t find it in himself to give him proper attention when something so important was happening in front of him.

“Give me your number” grumbled the rapper, cheeks warm, but maybe it could have been the cold. He took one of his hands out of his pocket, his cellphone firmly grasped on his palm and messed with it a bit, before inviting Kihyun to take it, arm reached out slightly in front of him.

Kihyun took two steps forward, inhaled and shut his brain up for a bit. He could feel the Black Dog trying hard to gain purchase, to be able to go to Jooheon and trap him under his fur again, but Kihyun couldn’t let him. Not right now. Not now.

Not ever if he could help it, but he knew he couldn’t.

Taking the phone, he tapped his number and wrote his name. He couldn’t bring himself to write “Kihyun-hyung”, because that would mean a level of awareness on their relationship he was not ready to regain yet, and just settled for “Yoo Kihyun” and debated himself for a few seconds if adding his profession on the side would give Jooheon the wrong impression. That’s it, if he knew what impression he wanted to give Jooheon at all, because he still wasn’t able to understand where all this courage was coming from, and he could feel his stomach churn uncomfortably as seconds ticked by.

Jooheon took his phone back with a “Thank you” and texted Kihyun the emoji of a bee. 

The Black Dog snarled loudly when he realized he had found the gesture ‘cute’.

“Eh… hyung? May I… can you take Hyunwoo-hyung’s stuff upstairs? Given that… you know. You are going there anyways…” the man asked, and Kihyun nodded, taking a tote bag from Jooheon’s other hand, and smiled.

“Well…. See you, Jooheon-ah?”

The man nodded.

“Have fun, Kihyun-hyung. See you.”

The Black Dog snarled loudly and the barks started again.

 

__________

 

Minhyuk wasn’t worried when Kihyun hadn’t answered his first texts, asking if he was already on his ways. He wasn’t even worried when he didn’t answers his follow up texts asking if he could also buy some instant ramen for the way. 

He got worried, however, when he got a text saying he was down stairs, and about to go up. He got worried because no human, specially not nimble and quick Yoo Kihyun could take ten minutes going up his elevator. He was trying to come with a rational explanation, maybe he had to take one long phone call and chose to stay downstairs? Or maybe, just maybe, miss Oh who lives one story down asked him for help with groceries? And Kihyun couldn’t deny an old lady help, even if his arms were more like a pair of soggy spaghetti and not really fitted to carry bags. Even if he texted the other man, he got no answer. Maybe he was mugged outside? Did he pass out in the elevator? Minhyuk couldn’t help his brain, and he couldn’t help getting scared over a friend. Specially when said friend was Yoo I-don’t-like-being-late Kihyun. And he was just down stairs! 

When he heard a knock on his door, he felt his body tense up and relax so fast he knew he was going to have a shitty night of sleep.

“Hell, Kihyunnie! What took you so long? I was about to call the cops, you little rodent…-“ he complained as he opened the door, but one look at Kihyun and his mouth clang shut, with teeth colliding against each other.

Kihyun looked up and smiled slightly, so it wasn’t too bad, Minhyuk realized. He looked pale and was trembling slightly, but what was worrisome was that absent look on his face, the very look he had when the blasted dog-thing was being far too loud.

“Hey… what’s wrong? Kihyunnie, what happened?” He asked, taking Kihyun by the shoulders and coaxing him inside, slowly. He noticed a bad that Kihyun clearly didn’t own in his hand, and vaguely reminded him of something Hyunwoo might have had? He wasn’t sure, but that simple black bag wasn’t something Kihyun would have brought with him, specially when he was carrying his messenger bag and a bag of groceries in his hand. Kihyun gave a watery sigh.

“I saw Jooheon…” he muttered, and let his head fall against Minhyuk’s chest “I’m sorry, I’ll be fine. Give me a minute. It’s alright. It’s just too loud. Just too loud…” 

Minhyuk brought his arms around Kihyun without hesitation, rubbing up and down his back, trying to be soothing, trying to give Kihyun anything else to focus on but the noise inside his head. He didn’t know what to say, what to make of the shorter journalist’s reaction, but he had to think of something clearly, because Kihyun was not.

“It’s ok baby, it’s ok. Let it out. Come on…” he whispered, pointing each word with a soft caress of his hands in a place of the shorter’s back where tension was wrecking havoc. He felt the male shudder “That blasted Dog should shut up, because he is being a bad dog and needs time out. Hey, mutt, go away and leave my little hamster alone, you hear me?”

Kihyun trembled, and Minhyuk tried to see if it was a good tremble because he had laughed, or if it was a bad tremble because he was about to cry.

“I kept it at bay before. It’s just…” he cut himself off, nuzzling against Minhyuk’s warmth and sighed again “I’m tired…”

Minhyuk tried hard not to blush and smiled down at Kihyun, giving him one last reassuring pat on the back.

“Come on, sit on the couch. I’ll bring CLEAN blankets and we’ll be eating creamy goodness in no time” 

“Nice of you to put emphasis on the ‘clean’ part, I appreciate it…” replied Kihyun, snorting softly. 

Minhyuk disappeared down the hallway, trying hard to understand what was going on with what little information he had gathered. So, Kihyun saw Jooheon, right? That meant that Jooheon went to him? Or was it chance? What had that soft, but sometimes too sensitive kid had said to Kihyun? As far as Minhyuk knew, neither had met after the dinner party fiasco, and had yet to start a relationship of their own. There were too many questions and too little space to maneuver around Kihyun’s little outburst without making it worst… or should he make it worst, so it could get better?

Why was he asking so many questions and not getting the blasted blankets already??

Trying to focus on physical tasks, Minhyuk took the blankets he had just recently bought for the sole purpose of cuddling with Kihyun on the sofa, - because the hamster-man had complained about some stains on his old one and a disgusted Kihyun meant no cuddles and that’s something Minhyuk was not going to give up - and gave them a good sniff, just to be sure.

We wandered back to the living room, slowly, and saw Kihyun sitting on the sofa, resting his elbows on his knees, and massaging his head with his hands, in a slow, but not gentle, manner. On the coffee table, one pint of cookies and cream ice cream sat, beside two spoons and two little bowls Minhyuk also used occasionally for rice, but Kihyun didn’t have to know that. Softly, he put the blanket over the man’s shoulders and sat besides him. 

Kihyun sighed deeply, curling into the warmth and letting his hands fall into his lap, 

“Sorry, I was fine before but…”

“… Did Jooheonnie say something nasty?” Asked Minhyuk, trying his hardest to sound as neutral as possible, but ready to text and pout at their rapper friend if he had been a little shit.

“No, not at all…” answered Kihyun softly “just… I wasn’t expecting it… but I… I asked him to meet up… I did that, Minhyuk”

Minhyuk blinked two times without taking a breath, before trying to control a smile that threatened to break his face in half. A fuzzy feeling of pride crippled through his veins and he had to restrain himself from jumping over the shorter male and cuddling him till next year. He resorted running a hand over Kihyun’s shoulders and half hugging him. That’s the least invasive thing he could think off, specially when they still struggled with how much physical contact was too much physical contact.

 

______

 

Kihyun sniffled slightly, trying to keep himself together as the Black Dog kept growling low inside his skull, but the warmth of Minhyuk’s body besides him also had an effect on the beast. Slowly but steadily, the Black Dog had started to be quieter, mellower, when people were around. That didn’t mean he was less vicious when something startled it, but he had reserved most of his harsher attacks to Kihyun lonelier days, which were far in between. 

A part of Kihyun was aware of how damaging it could be to depend so much on other for so safe haven from his own mind, but as Minhyuk’s arms circled around his shoulders, he couldn’t bring himself to care. Nuzzling his head into his friend’s shoulder, he sighed.

“We are meeting next week, I think… I got his number too. I… I’m scared.”

Minhyuk hummed, and Kihyun could feel the vibrations on the side of his face, comforting.

“Jooheon is a kind kid. He is just a bit…? Eh…”

“A bit angry that I haven’t gone to him sooner?”

“I was going to say jealous of the other five of us, but yeah, that also helps” chuckled Minhyuk “I’m proud of you, Kihyunnie”

Kihyun frowned and lifted his head, trying to look at Minhyuk, trying to find any reason for pride in his actions. He freaked out and barely got anything out of his mouth before crumbling into a panicked mess. There wasn’t anything worth pride there. Minhyuk smiled, warm and big, oblivious to the journalist’s internal debate. 

“Also, we have to eat the ice cream before it totally melts and my chances of getting high on sugar are lost”

Kihyun nodded, still a tad weirded out, and let Minhyuk fumble with the ice cream. The Black Dog grumbled deeply, like a tired normal dog who was woken up would, and Kihyun couldn’t help but feel content. Surely his memories still played a big deal when he tried to understand his relationship with Minhyuk, but… 

But what made Minhyuk a threat once, now made him a protector. 

Sure, Minhyuk had changed a lot. He wasn’t as impulsive, nor was he as mean he was in their childhood, but that underlying playfulness still composed a big deal of how the man acted. In a sense, Minhyuk had grown to use his witty remarks and pushy attitude as a way to show how much he cares, and his inherent overload of energy and pushiness had become endearing instead of bothersome. Minhyuk had grown so much, so so much, that even his memories couldn’t possibly overlap the gentle man he had in front of him serving him ice cream and starting an old drama on the tv. 

Kihyun had to wonder if his own growth had played a part in his change of perception. 

“Hey… Minhyuk… I… can I ask you a question?”

Minhyuk looked over his shoulder, eyes inquisitive and curious, and nodded softly, giving him a bowl of ice cream before settling down besides him.

Kihyun inhaled sharply, and mumbled.

“Have I changed?”

The silence that sat between them wasn’t tense, but it was charged with meaning. Minhyuk wasn’t taking the question lightly and it showed in the way he eyebrows lowered slightly, and he bit his lower lip. Kihyun kept his eyes lowered, trying to keep whatever emotions that could stir the Black Dog back to life before he could hear an answer.

“Yes. You have. But… not completely? You are still Kihyun in essence. Intelligent, caring, hot headed and prideful Kihyun from High School… But… it’s like you are… more? I don’t get it myself but when we were kids, it was like the labels were us. I was the funny, energetic kid that couldn’t concentrate for the sake of his grades and you were straight-laced, stern, honor student Kihyun. And… well, I lacked depth? I just saw what was evident and reacted accordingly… Adulthood truly brings a change of perspective, huh?”

Kihyun chuckled slightly and nodded.

“I feel… the same about you? I hated you because I couldn’t see past your actions. Teenagers are truthfully shallow, aren’t they?”

“I don’t think they are shallow… is more like… their brains still haven’t caught up with the rest of the changes their body and surroundings are going through… so they just grasp what they can, even if for us is stupid.”

“That’s awfully deep on someone who wants to watch Strong Girl Bong Soon again”

“Shut up, Park Boyoung is cute”

Kihyun stomach grumbled slightly, but not out of hunger. It was like a new, unexplored depth had appeared inside of his being, opening more space for the Black Dog to explore.

Yeah, right. Minhyuk was into cute girls.

“She might be, but Park Hyungsik is more on my alley. Thought he looked better in Hwarang”

He could feel Minhyuk tense his arms, and when he looked at him, the man was looking back.

“Didn’t you like guys like Min Yoongi? You know, short, sarcastic as fuck…”

Kihyun groaned, and he could feel his cheeks getting redder by the second. The Black Dog barked in warning, and he tried hard not to pay him attention.

“That’s not a thing we talk about, Min”

“Oh, come one. He is your ex! I’m bound to be curious…”

“That’s just some college thing. We are… acquittances at best, now! We see each other like… five times a year, if less”

Minhyuk gave him an incredulous look, eyebrows high and arched, while his mouth was curled up in graceless mirth.

“You guys were awfully touchy last time, just saying… maybe…?”

“No, Minhyuk-ah, we don’t want to get back together or anything of the sorts, for fuck’s sake. Yoon-ah is very awkward, so having someone he trust makes it easier for him. And I’m a touchy guy. I don’t mind. It’s easy to go back to that and even if we are not really friends anymore, we are comfortable with each other. He is the first person to have known about… my issues, you know…?”

Kihyun felt awkward talking about Yoongi, specially with Minhyuk. And the uneasiness in the pit of his stomach hadn’t settled, why was Minhyuk curious about his former relationship with Yoongi anyways?

“Why do you say you aren’t friends? Did you break up for nasty reasons or what?”

“Eh… I’m… bad… I’m bad at relationships, Min. You know that. We helped each other a lot as friends at first, but being together? We were digging our hell together…” he answered, and felt how Minhyuk’s eyes sharpened with each syllable that got out of his mouth “and… I don’t deserve to call… him… my friend… anymore…?” 

He felt the man grumbled besides him, and a hand had snuck around his shoulder again, in a comforting half hug.

“Friendship and love are not something you ‘deserve’ Kihyun-ah… That’s one of your problems. You think you ‘deserve’ kindness, compassion or whatever… those things are not stuff you can earn, not really. You get them as gifts, from people willing to give them to you. If someone thinks you are worth their feelings, maybe it’s because you are, and if you want to make it up to them, maybe instead of earning it like a salary, you should give love back as your own gift. I swear that culture about “earning” stuff is what’s killing relationships nowadays!”

Kihyun looked at Minhyuk while he ranted along, his eyes big. He felt his face tight and his heart was hammering hard inside his chest. It was the first time he thought of it that way, like people were giving out their feelings out on their own, and the only thing expected of him in return was to accept them. It didn’t feel quite right, still. Too many questions, and too many things to analyze in that concept, but it gave insight on the reason why Minhyuk had taken his arm all those weeks ago. Minhyuk had wanted to do so because it was his gift to him.

Minhyuk wanted to give him a chance because he wanted. 

And Kihyun had accepted the gift, silently.

Still looking at Minhyuk, who now went on a tangent on how the consumer society of our time was the reason why people thought of feelings like commodities and therefore a part of economical transactions, he felt himself getting slightly warmer. Maybe he didn’t have all the answers to this new branch of knowledge of Minhyuk’s brain, but that was ok. 

He had time to understand it. And he had time to give something back. 

Not because he felt obliged to do so.

Just because he had a lot of gifts to give.


	12. Acceptance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Forgiveness is such a charged word, that it has lost its meaning along the way. The phrase "Forgive but not forget" it's lack luster at best.
> 
> Why don't we give "acceptance" a better chance?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *bowing profusely*
> 
> I'M SO FUCKING SORRY!!!!  
> I know this is very late, but work got me by the balls and tossed me around for a few weeks. It was hell.
> 
> Also... I know this might sound as an excuse, but this fit got to me for a bit. The reason? Kihyun is mostly based off my mom. Shocking, right? My mom has struggled with depression, anorexia and a bunch of other shit her whole life and the closer we are getting to the climax (chapter 13 is called "the fight" so... yeah) the harder it is for me to... woman up and write this. But I want to, for her, for me... 
> 
> So yeah! Work and life, but here it is.
> 
> I'm so grateful for all of you, you have no idea, so hopefully you will enjoy this one too.

Chapter 12/ Acceptance

 

[“Hey, hamster… how do you know you are gay?” Asked a well known voice behind his back and Kihyun wanted to bang his head against the wall. Did that guy not have anything better to do than harass him? “Are dicks that cute to you? I always thought they looked ugly as shit…”

“Fuck off, Lee.” He spat, eating his food without even looking back. He felt the disgusting frame of a foot on his back and grinned “Hey!! Fuck off!!”

Minhyuk laughed and sat besides him, with little regard for Kihyun’s comfort, and took a piece of chicken out of his box, ignoring the impressive glare his classmate was giving him.

“Dude, it’s just an innocent question. No need to get your panties in a twist”

“And what makes you believe I’m going to answer that question to YOU of all people?” Growled Kihyun, trying hard to will his classmate out of existence, but such desires weren’t going to be answered by any deity around, much less the God he believed in, so he was left with an empty wish.

“Dude, I’m bored and I’m curious. Guys aren’t even that cute…” he trailed off, looking at the yard, slightly to the left from where they were sitting, “And you are the only gay guy around I can ask. Or the only gay around at all.”

“Well, it’s not my problem that Son Hyunwoo graduated last year and you feel bored. Go away Lee. I don’t have the patience to deal with your shit”

“Oh, come on!!” He whined, taking one of Kihyun’s cheeks and pinching it, with so much force that the shorter male knew he was going to have a red spot for the next few hours. Kihyun swatted his hand away, equally as violent.

“Cut it out! You are such a nuisance!”

“I’m asking a legitimate question here! You are the one being a prick!!” Protested Minhyuk, getting aggravated.

“I have the right not to answer stupid questions. Go away"

Minhyuk frowned, and before Kihyun could stop him, the teenager gave him a harsh shove, that almost made him stumble down the few steps between the stairs and the floor. Before he could shout at the man for being a nuisance and teach him a lesson, Minhyuk had gotten up, both hands inside his pants pockets, and had started going back, his boisterous laugh resonating on the walls.

Kihyun bit his lower lip, trying hard not stand up and start a fight with the guy. He had learnt that the hard way.]

 

________________

 

The Black Dog had been too quiet and that frightened Kihyun more than anything.

The first time he ever thought about that dark entity inside his brain, he was about sixteen. It had been tiny, just an occasional reminder of everything that Kihyun hated he had concretely done during the day that he regretted, or at least didn’t feel as comfortable about; as time went on, it grew and grew in size and viciousness, sticking around for longer and longer every time. By college, the Black Dog was a constant companion, always there.

Lingering.

Like his own shadow.

But since Minhyuk had came into his life? He didn’t know if it was the fact he was always preoccupied with something or another, whether it was a new activity, or a new text, or a new friend he had accepted into his life. Sure, college had brought a much needed phase of self discovery and self acceptance, but between classes that did nothing to help his struggling ass, and the open scars of his own fear of failure had solidified the image of the dog inside his brain. Now Minhyuk was challenging the Black Dog, and Kihyun could feel the Black Dog’s fear in his bones, and no matter how much he wanted to think about the Black Dog as a separate entity from himself, he knew that in the end, the fear that thing felt, was a direct reflection of his own fears. 

Fear of what, he still wasn’t as sure.

He knew he feared loneliness, even if he once had convinced himself that was the only way he could possibly live. Also there was that nagging feeling that people were indulging him out of pity, or the fact that for the first time in a long, long time he was not in control of what the future was going to bring him. But there was also that excitement of looking forward to another day, even if it was just for a dumb text. That excitement, he feared the most. 

Maybe it was his tendency to over analyze himself, or how fast he fell into his former friends - and not so much friends - arms. He still felt the shame creeping around in his veins, bringing an unnatural coldness to a limb, or to a certain spot near his chest, but he felt reassured enough to at least keep trying. And then, well… then was Minhyuk. 

Minhyuk, who had so much to give, even if his naivety and rashness had crashed right into the center of his life and has taken ownership over every part of him he couldn’t quite fit back into place. The same Minhyuk that once had contributed to the breaks, now was piecing him together. Yoongi had warned him twice about depending too much on Minhyuk, but he wasn’t sure if he wanted to step back at that point. Depending of Minhyuk was not bad in itself. He wasn’t dumping everything on the man, and he made sure to worry and give back all he could to his most recent friend. He wasn’t a big texter, but he liked to call and talk to Minhyuk when they couldn’t meet. He cooked for both of them, and he offered input on stuff he could help the other with - like the best way to contact news papers to buy add space. 

And… he wasn’t oblivious to his own feelings, nor to the feelings of Minhyuk himself. He knew the endearment he felt for his former classmate was a development he still wasn’t too comfortable with, but he also knew he that holding back was going to hurt them both in the long run. But… how was he going to be good for Minhyuk when in the death of night, when he was alone, he still felt the crippling presence of the Black Dog stalking inside his brain?

Maybe all those fears were one. Maybe it was just one big fear he still didn’t have a name for.

Standing up, he glanced at the big church to his left. It was almost time to meet with Jooheon, and that meant he had to get going. Even if it was just around the corner, he wanted to be there before the rapper could arrive, mostly because he still wanted to see his childhood friend first and gauge his stance before he could put his defenses up. Giving one last look at the church, he sighed and started walking down the road, his feet heavy. 

The place Jooheon had chosen was a little park just off the main roads. It was a place for kids to play, mostly, and for local teenagers to laze around after class, when no kids or parents were around to judge them. It had a few benches haphazardly thrown around and the occasional half-assed tree hanging for dear life. In a way, Kihyun felt at peace, because it reminded him of childhood, simpler times and good afternoons with his brother and mother running around. On the back of his mind, he tried to remember the last time he had went back home willingly for something that wasn’t his mother’s birthday or a funeral. 

He sat on a bench, and looked straight up the road, reminiscing. And then, Jooheon made an appearance on the corner of the church’s street. He was wearing a jacket and a very colorful shirt, and looked nervous, but not closed off. He looked like anyone going to a park in the middle of march would look, with the cold still running it’s havoc. 

Jooheon looked up, and Kihyun felt the Black Dog perk his ears. He wanted to beg and pray for it not to attack, but he knew those prays just fed him; so he just stood there, hands on his pockets, sitting down on a bench and unaware of the look on his own face. 

The rapper walked, head hanging a bit low, before looking up and smiling slightly. He took a seat right besides Kihyun and took a coffee can out of his oversized pockets, handing it to him. 

“Hey, Kihyun-hyung” he greeted, voice steady.

Kihyun gave the can a dumbfounded look, before accepting the gift and looking at it, almost in awe. Jooheon settled down besides him taking another can out of his other pocket and opening. 

The sat in silence for a bit, drinking coffee and looking over the dirty park games and budding trees. Jooheon was very calm, and just drinking from his own can - that Kihyun now noticed was a type of caramel coffee that of course Jooheon would like -, without giving him any attention. 

Right, Kihyun had asked to meet. It was only fair he started this conversation.

Taking a deep breath, he collected his bearings, squeezing the half full can slightly.

“How’s your mom?” He asked, softly.

Jooheon hummed. 

“Same old, same old. Still very energetic, for her age. That woman is never going to grow old like a normal lady,” he answers, lightly, “yours…?”

There is doubt in his voice, Kihyun can hear it loud and clear and the Black Dog’s paws were buried deep in the soft tissue of his brain.

“She is good. Still goes to the same bridge club she has for the past seven years. Talk about consistency…” he answers, trying to quell the doubt and regret that filled his mouth. 

“She always was that kind of lady…” Jooheon agrees, before giving his can a gulp “mom asks about you all the time, you know?”

“Yeah…” of course he did, his mother did the same even if she knew Kihyun had, for the longest time, not talked about Jooheon willingly, “mine does too.”

Jooheon nodded along, before sighing.

“I never had the heart to tell her why we stopped talking, you know? She is so fond of your manners and face, it’s almost ridiculous…” he joked, before deflating a bit, “she knew, of course, but we never talked about it in the end, and… even I don’t know how to answer that question, you know? Why we drifted apart…”

The Black Dog barked in retaliation, vicious, tugging at Kihyun’s brain with renowned strength. He took a deep breath, trying to collect his bearings.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” replied Jooheon, “I gave it a lot of thought the past few days, you know? To that question. “Why?”,” Jooheon sighed again, his head hanging back on the bench as he looked up to the sky, “the only answer I could find is that youth sucks”

Kihyun looked over at his younger friend, he looked at the lack of baby fat, at his smooth face and handsome eyes. Jooheon was no longer a baby, and at the moment, it showed how much time had went by in his features. How much impact it had had in his heart.

“I… there’s not much I can say to that…” started Kihyun, his mouth suddenly dry and the Black Dog keeps growling steadily with spit that ran down his mouth, hitting his brain like poison, “I was afraid of a lot, but I was mostly afraid of you…. Choosing to leave me…?” He stated, but it sounded more like a question to himself.

Jooheon hummed, but didn’t add anything else. Right, truthfulness. 

“I knew… I knew what people said about me, both in school and at church. And I knew I was already drifting, and that you had other friends to care about. Before you could cut me off, I just did that to anyone I had a relationship with. It was… less scary if I did it myself…” he trailed off, looking at the empty park, trying to keep the Black Dog at bay, and dully noted that it was rooted to one place inside his head. That was also odd. 

The rapper stilled, and Kihyun tried his best not to cringe in fear of his reaction, but any onslaught or anger he feared would come, just didn’t. Jooheon was just still, his feet planted on the ground. Steeling himself, he gave his former childhood friend a glance, and found a pair of dark eyes looking back at him.

Licking his lips, Jooheon frowned.

“I’m sorry too.”

Kihyun felt the air leave his chest, and a soft tremor ran down his spine, grounding him to the bench. 

“It wasn’t your fault, we were kids. You were younger. I should have-“

“I was old enough to know.”

Jooheon’s eyes were so open, so vulnerable. It brought Kihyun’s memories back, of a little Jooheon clinging to him for comfort, his hands and tears and laughter and all the memories they shared.

“I’m… I’m not different from Seokkie-hyung. It was easier to let you go and not hold onto you. We were stupid. But when we finally realized how stupid and cruel we had been, you weren’t there. You vanished.”

Kihyun pursed his lips, trying hard to keep everything together, even if the Black Dog was insisting on ripping his brain to shreds.

“I just went to college…”

“No. Even in school. You were in class, yes. But you were never ‘there’. It was like this whole… halo of anger surrounded you. And the only one with enough will not to care about it was Minhyukkie-hyung…”

Kihyun nodded in agreement.

“He disregarded anything I would tell him. Every threat was just… he just took them and kicked them straight away and just… pushed…” he added, and Jooheon snorted.

“He’s always been the pushy one…”

The fell into silence, still charged, still tense. But Kihyun didn’t mind the tension, because slowly it was unraveling, even it hurt. 

“Yeah… I guess that’s why even after all these years, he found me and refused to let go,” he sighed, and took the topic of Minhyuk as other he had to address, but didn’t really know how to.

Jooheon laughed bitterly.

“Yeah… it just… it bothers me that he was all it took to get you back. I’m salty about it. He was nasty to you in school and still you forgive him so easily? More over, you are so buddy-buddy right now! It’s just…”

Kihyun frowned, and tried hard not to pout.

“I don’t think it’s about forgiveness in my case… or forgetting.”

“No? What is it, then?” Asked the rapper, his eyes fixed on Kihyun’s. Taking a deep breath, Kihyun answered, as truthful and open as he could:

“It’s about acceptance.”

 

_______________

 

[The sad reality of not having any friends in school, pondered Kihyun, was that in the end he had no barrier between himself and the pest that was Lee Minhyuk. The man was everywhere and anywhere he went, no matter how much effort he put in sneaking around, that blasted tick always found him and settled into asking uncomfortable questions about sexuality, loneliness or to point out how sad Kihyun life was at the moment. 

Of course, that only served to drive Kihyun up the wall, right into early insanity.

“Come oooooon!! I wanna know. What does being gay feel like?” Asked to the up tenth time Minhyuk, his face resting on his hands, while Kihyun tried hard to study in the library after class. Why Minhyuk was staying behind was a mystery to him, but he didn’t have enough care in his veins to ask why the man was still there when he could be literally anywhere else. 

Kihyun had never “come out”, as one says, even if he was always open about who he was to everyone. Somehow he had never needed to: kids pushed the label into him as soon as they had a notion about what it meant to like boys more than girls and ran with it to the hills and beyond. His own family never held any doubts, and in the end Kihyun had grown accustomed to the label. It took a while to understand why people found it odd, or, in more serious and awkward instances, reproachable; he was lucky to be born in a family that, although not keen on the fact, never had abused him in a way he had heard other families abuse their kids; he was lucky to had gone to a church where the priest had been accepting of everyone, even if they were considered outcasts by religion itself; he had been lucky to have had attended schools that didn’t accept bullying of any kind, regardless of personal opinions of school officials. All in all, if it wasn’t for Minhyuk and his bloody gang of assholes, he would have had a pretty good life being the only open gay kid in the neighbourhood. 

“Why are you so interested anyways?” Asked Kihyun, poison dripping from his tongue, “wanna come out and need advice?” He sneered.

Minhyuk laughed it off, smiling as he often did.

“Nah, straight stud right here, dude. I just wanna know. It’s so weird to me. Girls think you are scary, but cute. You could have a chance with most!”

“Just because you are a skirt chaser, doesn’t mean the rest of us has to jump at any chance given” Kihyun sighed, closing his book, giving up on studying while Minhyuk was there.

“Is that a confession saying you are a virgin????” Minhyuk’s eyes lightened up, and dread poured all over Kihyun shoulders, “holy moly, you are a virgin! How precious~~~~”

Kihyun stood up violently and had to restrain himself from punching Minhyuk then and there, but his fists ached at the thought.

In the back of his mind, he felt a pressure urging him to.

“When are you going to leave me alone, you fucking pest?!” He snarled, almost like a bark.

“Chillax, bro. Can’t handle a little bit of teasing between classmates? It’s all in good fun!”

“Spare me your atrocious words. I’m going home” he stated, trying hard to put all his things inside his bag without giving Minhyuk the satisfaction of getting another reaction out of him.

“Noooo! Don’t leave me alone in here! I will die. You are my only source of amusement right now…”

Kihyun gave him a nasty glare, and Minhyuk held his hands up.

“Hey, no need to be violent, Kihyunnie~… Why are you so offended? I’m just curious…” he pouted. 

Kihyun felt bile pulling inside his throat and groaned, feeling so very drained.

“It feels like finding someone attractive feels in any case. You assholes are the only ones trying to find anything different about it, to tease the fuck out of people who doesn’t deserve your shit. Now leave me alone.” He spat, tossing his bag over his shoulder and walking away without sparing Minhyuk a second glance.]

 

___________

 

When Hyunwoo heard the doorbell ring, he had to give his wrist watch a second glance. It was close to 9 o’clock and they weren’t expecting company. At least he wasn’t, and Minhyuk would have told him if he was expecting anyone even if he wasn’t at home at the moment. Sighing, he stood up from the couch and walked to the door, only to find Yoo Kihyun standing there, hands inside his pockets and half of his face hidden behind a big fluffy scarf.

“Oh… good night, Hyunwoo-ssi… is Minhyuk around?” The shorter male asked, his tone awkward.

Hyunwoo shook his head, and gave way for Kihyun to step in if he so wished. The journalist in turn, hesitated.

“Come on. Even if it’s not freezing outside, you look like you could use a cup of tea, Kihyun,” said Hyunwoo, shaking the door slightly to emphasize his point. Doubt crossed Kihyun’s eyes before stepping inside, taking his shoes off and setting them aside. 

Hyunwoo made a beeline to the kitchen, giving the shorter male space to get comfortable without him watching like a hawk over his shoulders. He might not know Kihyun well, but what he knew was enough to giving him space to settle down comfortably. Taking two mugs out - his own and the mug Minhyuk had bought for Kihyun, even if he denied with all his might that the mug was intended solely for the journalist - he gave the kettle a minute or two to get to the proper temperature. 

He made a mental note to text Minhyuk so he could come back from his gaming night with Changkyun ASAP, and took both mugs into the living room, where Kihyun was sitting, hands settled on his knees, and he was breathing slowly, most probably in an effort to calm down.

Without saying a word, Hyunwoo put the mug on the coffee table and settled at a comfortable distance from Kihyun, before asking the routinary question off:

“Are you ok?”

Kihyun gave him a look and nodded, before taking the mug into his hands.

“Thank you, Hyunwoo-ssi.”

“Hyung is fine. I already told you.”

“Did you?”

“Pretty sure I did.”

“Huh, I don’t remember…”

“Anyways. ‘Hyunwoo-hyung’ is more that alright.”

Kihyun nodded, taking a short sip of his tea.

“Sorry for dropping by unnanunced. I…”

Hyunwoo smiled, softly.

“It’s no problem, Kihyun. We could wait for Minhyuk, I don’t think he would be out for long anyways… have you eaten?”

Kihyun shook his head before a second or two of hesitation.

“But please, don’t worry. I’m good. I don’t want to inconvenience you any longer…!” He rushed to point out. Hyunwoo snorted softly.

“I’m a chef. I have enough food in this house to last at least three mukbanks and then some. It’s fine.”

“No, please. It’s fine. I’ll go back home after the tea and eat something there…”

Hyunwoo stretched his hand and gave Kihyun’s shoulder a squeeze. The man flinched, but didn’t make a move to take his hand away, so Hyunwoo took it as a win.

“If I say I don’t mind, it’s because I don’t. Besides I’m also hungry. I just had a light snack about an hour ago and was too lazy to get up and actually heat something up. It’s fine. I’m not lazy if I have to feed someone else.”

Kihyun pouted slightly, and Hyunwoo wanted to laugh. He might disapprove of Kihyun as a potential love interest for Minhyuk, but he could not deny the kid was cute.

“If you say so, then let me help…”

Hyunwoo nodded, and took a sip out of his own cup.

“Let’s finish this and then we can gather something up. I think I have bulgogi already cooked, but I’ll have to check.”

Kihyun nodded.

“Thank you very much”

Hyunwoo hummed in response, and was taken aback when Kihyun snorted. He gave the shorter male a quick glance, and his face must have had betrayed his confusion, because Kihyun was fast to reply:

“Oh, it’s nothing! Just… Jooheon does the same thing. The humming. I’m sure he took it out of you…”

Hyunwoo nodded.

“Did you guys meet?”

“Yes. I… I was with him today. We… eh… we sorted our issues out and, well, it was hard to go back home alone after that…” he replied, his high pitched voice falling into a lull.

“Oh…” was the only answer Hyunwoo could give, because in reality, what else could he say? They wanted those two to sort their thing out for weeks, and it had finally happened. But something in Kihyun’s face told him it might have not went in a good direction, swallowing as unnoticeable and he could, he then asked: “was it too bad?”

Kihyun gave a little shake of his head and sighed.

“It was good. Jooheon even went in for a hug at the end… so I think he… he…”

“Forgave your past?” Asked Hyunwoo, given Kihyun’s hesitation, but the man shook his head again.

“No, not forgiveness. Acceptance. He accepted it and it’s time to move forward”

“Huh. That’s not a word I hear often in these cases”

Kihyun gave him a lopsided smile and shrugged.

“It’s the word that makes the most sense to me. Jooheon was also confused when I told him that.”

“Why… why is it acceptance? For you, I mean?”

Kihyun sighed, and looked at the tea mug between his hands for a long stretch of time, before replying:

“Because forgiveness is such a charged word. It’s too absolute. And the “Forgive but not forget” thing sounds so empty at this point. Accepting the past and what comes with it… it is more peaceful, don’t you think? It’s like a first step, but a big one.”

Hyunwoo analyzed Kihyun’s words attentively, going over every word and its meaning. It was a pretty hopeless outlook, thinking of “forgiveness” as something that is charged, but at the same time, it made sense. It made sense because Kihyun needed acceptance, he needed to accept himself still, let alone forgive himself. So acceptance was a first step towards the better outcome. Hyunwoo thought back at every time he had doubted Kihyun’s motivations, both in high school and in more recent times. He thought about every time he felt Minhyuk’s feelings as invalid, because there was no way Kihyun was going to reciprocate, and he didn’t want to see his friend heartbroken and sad. But… but acceptance sounded like a great start. Acceptance of feelings, of different things.

Smiling, Hyunwoo nodded.

“Acceptance, then. It’s good.”

Kihyun smiled at him, broader than he had ever done to him.

“Yeah…” he sighed softly, and then looked at Hyunwoo again “have you… accepted me?”

His tone was so shy, and the question was so unexpected, that Hyunwoo took a few seconds to ponder, even if he knew his answer already.

[Hyunwoo looked over at Kihyun, who was getting a praise from a teacher on the other side of the field. Apparently the kid had won something due to his academical performance, and congratulations were due. Minhyuk had told him about it, and as it happened with many mundane things Minhyuk told him, he had tuned him out. It wasn’t out of lack of interest on what his friend found noteworthy, but because Minhyuk often found a lot of stuff note worthy, it often fell flat to his ears, to listen about everything known to man that Minhyuk could rant about. 

Looking at the boy, he could see how his chest puffed in pride when the teacher congratulated him once again. It was weird, seeing such a happy Kihyun when he knew for a fact, that he wasn’t a happy person. He was bitter, angry and always nagged around.

Hyunwoo couldn’t understand how someone so nasty could look so honestly happy about something, and not just smug and prideful. It was like it didn’t click inside his head how someone could be that different from one minute to the other. Maybe it was him sucking it up to the teachers, but his face was glowing in real happiness. 

Well, it wasn’t for him to understand and, besides, he wouldn’t be seeing much of the little man in a few months, so whatever.]

Giving Kihyun one blinding smile of his own, he replied.

“Yeah, Kihyun-ah. I think I finally have, and you?”

Grinning back, Kihyun nodded, and that was answer enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow me @HellSunset in twitter so we can talk shit and you can have daily updates about the shit I put up with in my jobs and my sarcastic outlook in life, besides a lot of fangirling over Monsta X and other Kpop groups
> 
> SEE YA!

**Author's Note:**

> Also, follow me on twitter @HellSunset were you can actually talk to me and curse me freely for this (well, I hope you don't)...
> 
> See ya next time folks!


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